Bittersweet

There are many children in my life that I love. But my top favourite was always my cousin's almost 4 years old daughter. She is the sweetest child I have ever seen (as sweet as was her mum. My cousin is 6 years younger, she always felt like a sister - since we lived all our childhood together, in the same house). 

My cousin needed babysitting for yesterday afternoon, so I volunteered.  

I asked my friend Mattie whether I can come with my niece to play with her children. Of course we were welcomed (Mattie's 5-year-old daughter was so excited over a new friend coming to her house). We came, there were already also two neighbours' kids, so there were all together 5 children aged 4 to 7. It was so vivid! And a great fun. My niece and Mattie's daughter got along perfectly.

Then we went to our apartment, to eat a muffin, draw a picture, play on the swings outside. When the evening came, I wanted to take her home, but she refused. She said she wanted to stay overnight with me. 

(I explained she can, when she is bigger. She asked how much bigger she has to be. I answered that when she is 7. Then I had to show her how many 7 fingers are :)

It was lovely and precious to have my niece (I know she is not really my niece, but she feels like) for three hours. 

But also bittersweet. To experience sweet moments that mothers can experience every day. And my infertility robbed me of them.  

Losing my last friend from ex-IVF-support group

Going through IVF cycles I had a wonderful group of friend.  We met twice a month, there were 4-6 of us. I have nice memories. Those girls helped me through the darkest days of infertility.

I will try to make story short.

In few years all of them (except me) got a baby (two of them adopted from Russia). And bit by bit I started to losing them. But until today I thought I had one of the friends left. 

I don't.

Let's call her Lili (that was her nick on-line where we met).   Lili has golden heart. She was always my favourite from the group.  But after having a baby she was always either busy or exhausted or both. So we hardly ever met, only once a year, sometimes twice. We phoned each other often and so I just always thought that long phone calls will be our substitute until Lili's daughter gets out of diapers / starts to go to kindergarten / ...

Lili told me that this week she is home alone (her DH took their daughter and his mother for a holiday) so she invited me for afternoon date after work. I was really looking forward to it!  And when I came (at 4.30 pm) she said that she has only one hour for me and then she is meeting two colleagues (she apologized, she described the reason, but it did not persuade me).

I was so pissed off. And hurt. 

So. It is official. I lost my last friend from ex-IVF-support group. Each person gets only one opportunity to treat me badly.

Perhaps it is OK this way.  Perhaps I needed this. To help me forget many years that were spent focusing on IVF.

***

When going back home I just thought how lucky am I to have my best friend, Mattie. She always finds time for me, despite two small kids. At least once a week (and not only once a year).

***
And how happy can I be to have my beloved Wolf. He ALWAYS has time for me :)

Muffins mean being happy

I had a beautiful Sunday.

I spent the morning in a forest, picking up blueberries for the first time this year. I love blueberries - they are delicious and extremely healthy.

I baked blueberry muffins in the afternoon.  I used to bake muffins very often in the first few years of our marriage (my DH adores muffins). But then, somehow, when the dark years of infertility came, I just stopped baking them (and I don't even know why). Looking back it seems that I just did not have energy for things like that.

Anyway, I baked them again today and they are really really delicious. It is so good to have a  bit of my old happy life back. 

I love growing my own vegetables

Reason why I haven't blogged for a while?  I was busy growing my own vegetables. There is so much to do, but I really love it. 

I am attaching three photos:

• one of my favourite vegetables are hokkaido pumpkins. There is no better meal then orange soup in December.
• the first vegetable that will be ready to pick will be peas. Can't wait!
• the best part of working in the garden: my beloved Wolf is always there, watching me. 

This week I really had not even a second available for any negative thought. I love it!

And - after really cold spring we got summer. 30 - 35 C most of the days.  So my plan for this week was: work as little office hours as possible & swimming after the work & working in the garden.

Not interesting!

The summer came to my country. It is hot & sunny & perfect.

This means that all people that have kids either in kindergarten or in school are having good-bye picnics these days.

I spent almost whole day with a coworker (mother of two) in the neighbouring country, visiting some clients.And this coworker was the 5th woman this week that felt the need of explaining me the process of buying a present for the teacher (including the amount of money spent and all details of the gift).

Do they REALLY think that this is something I find remotely interesting?

(it was lovely to return home, to my beloved Wolf. He never gives me any unwanted information).

***
I wish you all a beautiful weekend.
Mine will include some cycling and lots of working in the garden.

Healthy & Happy

I got back the results yesterday.
0 blood. 0 proteins.
I am relieved. Happy.

Obviously I need reminders like that to really focus on all the great things that I do have in my life.  And not to spend my life in mourning of dreams that never came true.

To celebrate my healthy body I went for a bike tour yesterday afternoon. And then I went for a short jogging (now I am already able to jog for 10 minutes). I felt great afterwards.

Infertility is all I can handle

I just had a preventive medical check-up (the company that I work for sends me every two years). Two years ago the results were fine. This time everything was fine except urine results.

I had proteins and blood in the urine.

I got used to living with infertility. I can handle it.

But I could not handle renal failure or something like that.

I went to see my doctor today. She said that I shouldn't worry yet, first of all I have to repeat the test. (I will repeat it in few days).

Please, keep your fingers crossed for me!

(the last time I asked for it, it really helped)