the truth about ivf, childfree

I love checking google statistics - how new visitors find me.

Today somebody googled:
the truth about ivf, childfree

and found my blog.

How cool is that?!

***

The truth is that not all infertility journeys include the marketing brochure happy ending.


And - the truth is, that (at least today)  I do not care. I had a good day at work, then I spent some lovely time with my beloved Wolf and now I returned from a short jogging in the rain. Life is good.

I am the wrong person to complain to

A coworker (that I otherwise really like) complained to me today:
"I have a parent meeting today afternoon for three hours at school for my oldest one and tomorrow another parent meeting in the kindergarten for the little one. How I hate it! It is waste of time."


Dear parents - please do not ever complain to me again. I would love to waste my time on things like that.


(The only good thing is that I am becoming a master at getting the conversation back to safe work talk).

9th June 2003: she will get pregnant

I had a regular gynecological examination yesterday.  I took a day off work, so I could go there in the middle of the day (if I went in the afternoon, the waiting room would be crowded with pregnant women). 

While waiting in the dressing room, I looked at my files.

First of all there were only remarks: Cilest, Cilest, Cilest (it is really ironic to think how many oral contraceptive pill I took in my life, completely needlessly).

And then, there was a gynecologist's remark written on Monday, 9th June 2003: she will get pregnant.

I remembered that period of my life. I was just few weeks before our wedding, I was 100 % sure that everything in my life will be just as I wanted. How little did I know about life then!

My gyn is really nice. The first think that she asked me yesterday was: "How are you?"

It was really kind of her - she really wanted to know how am I. So I told her that it was really hard for few years but that I am OK now.

I really am. At least - on most of my days.

 

Get well, my beloved Wolf. I need you!

I went jogging after work yesterday. I wasn't envious of all the people I met that had kids.

I was envious only of people who went jogging with their dog.

My beloved Wolf has been doing really well for the last six months, but now his kidney situation deteriorated. He spent 12 hours yesterday in the clinic, to have infusions with drugs that help him. And he will spend next few days in the clinic. 

He was so happy when we picked him up in the evening.

***
Get well, my beloved Wolf. I need you!



For five summers our Sundays were always going on really long hikes - sometimes up to 20 kilometers per day. And this year our Sundays were sitting in the garden together, reading and cuddling. He can not walk more then 1 kilometer per day. Wolf's illness made me think that health really is everything.


PS: The photo was taken few years ago, on one of those long hikes around the lake.

First day of school

It was the first school day yesterday. It is always a day that I would prefer to stay in bed all day, covered by warm blankets and not expose myself to the world.

But I had to go to work and it was hard. All the coworkers that have small kids had a free day either to take their children for the first time to kindergarten or they took their children for the first time to school.

In the office there were left only:

1. coworkers with older kids who loved to tell their memories - how was the first day of school each year for their children
2. younger coworkers who loved to listen to those stories - because they are looking forward to taking their future children for the first time to kindergarten / school.
3. me

I tried to focus on my work and ignore all the talking.

I didn't feel good when coming home. So the first thing that I did was putting my sneakers on and I went jogging - for the first time in months. I felt great afterwards.

***

Today I will have to listen all day how expensive school is (by the way: the schools in my country are free of charge - financed by high taxes that we all (including me) pay, parents need to buy only books).

I hate this complaining. I would give anything in the world to be able to buy schoolbooks for our children.

(our children are safe in heaven*. They do not need any books). 

*I am not really religious. But somehow I have chosen to believe that our children do live somewhere.

I am attaching a photo of a church near Ravenna that we visited few years ago. I loved the mosaic. It is just wonderful.

Beautiful Czech Republic

We just returned from the holidays. Here are some photos:

 

OLOMOUC

 

 

 

 

LITOMYŠL

PARDUBICE

 

KUTNA HORA

 

ČEŠKE BUDEJOVICE

 

 

ČEŠKY KRUMLOY

 

 

 

I was really looking forward to our holidays but on the other hand I was also a bit scared. Why? 

 

The only holiday so far that we had in Czech Republic was exactly 2 years ago, when we went to clinic in Brno for an egg donation. We used the days between egg retrieval and embryo transfer for the holiday.

 

I was afraid that travelling around will bring back sad memories. Well, the memories did come back. But not in a bad way. It is just part of my healing process.

 

I remember that last time I was filled with different hormones.. It was lovely to travel this time, 100 % drug free.

 

I remember that last time, whenever we visited any church, I prayed for Eliška & František (nick names for our so much wanted children).  This time I prayed for health, love and peace in my heart.

 

I remember that last time I loved observing cute children. And thinking if our half-adopted child would look like them. This time cute Czech children were just cute children, nothing more.

 

***

We had lovely time together, discovering a beautiful country.

 

If you are interested to learn more, here is the official tourism web site:

http://www.czechtourism.com/home/

 

 

 

Turning 40

I had my 40th birthday few days ago.

As a childless woman I was afraid of turning 40.  But it was not hard.  I just kept thinking about my dear friend Maria who died when 37. She would give anything to be 40  (and so would her husband).

As I have already written - my only mission right now is to get the best of my next 40 years.  If I am lucky, 40 happy years are waiting for me.

***
I had a lovely day yesterday. I went swimming in the lake with my best friend. It was the first whole day together that we had in the last 8 years. How great it is that her kids are getting more independant every day!

So I really feel that I am getting my old happy life back. Bit by bit.