Wednesday, December 1, 2021

Bringing bad luck?

There is a girl in her mid 30s. We used to spend a lot of time together working on job projects. Years ago I briefly told her about my IVF journey. 

Long story short: for the first time after the pandemic we spent some time together again - me, her and 10 other colleagues. 

It turned out that she told every single one of the colleagues about her infertility treatments. They were extra kind to her and also very kind when they talked about her. They all wish her all the best and so do I.

But the interesting thing is that she didn't want to discuss infertility with me. And I was actually the only person in the group who has experiences with infertility.

But I don't blame her. I know. 

At first I thought I was like a bad luck to her. Or a bad omen.

But no. She is very early into her infertility journey. She isn't ready to hear that there are people who went through ALL possible infertility treatments and it didn't help. 

I like her.

I really wish her all the best. And I wish she never has to find out about the stories like mine or yours.  

But if she needs to find about our stories one day... all she needs is to google and she will find us :)


  1. When I went through treatment, I wasn't ready to hear about the possible bad outcome either, at least in the beginning. Well, of course I knew the figures, but don't we all hope that the small percentage of success will be us?

    So I am glad your colleague is surrounded by kindness and respect. And yes, of course we will be there when she needs us...

    We are having some rare sunshine at the minute, so I am sending a beam over to Slovenia as well <3.

  2. Yes, you're right. She isn't ready to face the true facts, to consider that her infertility treatments might not work. Sadly, it also means she isn't ready to know that it will not be her fault if the treatments don't work, that life can and will still be good (wonderful, even), that it is not a statement of her value as a woman, etc. I hope she finds you if she needs you though.

    (It reminds me of learning from a woman who had been my best friend (until she had kids and started drifting away) that (she claimed) she had two miscarriages some years after her first two were at least 8 and 10, if not older. She never told me when she was going through it - when I would have been so well placed to help her (as at the time I was volunteering as a counsellor with a pregnancy loss organisation). She's never discussed it with me since mentioning it once, saying that her miscarriages were "much worse" than my ectopics! (Can you see why she is an EX-best friend?)

    It's so odd that people don't seek out advice from people who really understand.

  3. I think for some people, it can be hard to talk to someone who is going through (or has gone through) the same thing, even though I found it very helpful. It might be scary for her to consider what could happen...that was also true for me although at the start of things when I was the one consistently left behind in treatments, watching everyone else get pregnant and have their babies, I was the one that was the "horror story." Unfortunately when you are in the thick of it, there is so much toxic positivity and so much fear of thinking a negative thought and having it impact pregnancy (which now that we're out of that swamp we can see as kookoobananas but I had those thinkings, too). So there is a point where you really can't hear anything that shows that it's possible you might not succeed in the traditional way.

    I love though that the message of this post is that you're here when and if she needs support if things don't go as hoped. That there's a whole community that can help when she is ready to talk. I still have some friends who were ultimately successful who are able to talk with me about our shared experiences although the outcomes were different, but unfortunately so many people suffer from infertility amnesia after children or can't stop the pain olympics of comparing who had a worse experience, like Mali experienced.

    You are a good, patient, kind friend.