Thursday, April 13, 2017


I have been doing very well lately. But still, there are plenty of remainders that I am not healed. I might never be, at least not completely.

I have just met a distant relative, he is only few years older then me. I know that his daughter will have a firstborn soon so I wanted to be polite and asked when the child would be born. He replied: "After 9 months."    I found the reply not funny at all. To make the thing even worse - he commented further - that now it will be a very difficult time for him. Silly me - but I asked him what did he mean and replied: "From now on I will always have to sleep with a granny."
That kind of  joke is completely ridicolous when you tell it to an infertile woman.

I had to put the anger somewhere so I went cycling. On a way home I saw my school-friend with his  babies, both aged under 2. As a dear pen-friend of mine wrote - it is not fair that men so easily get a second chance (he already has adult children). I am over 40 so my child-bearing years are long over. And what is even sadder - they never began at the first place.

I have been enjoying teaching a teenage boy (he is almost 17 now). It is lovely to observe his transformation from rebellious teen to a kind polite young man. I don't want to boast but I really think that his mom (who is more or less my age) adores me - the way how I adjust my teaching techniques. Teaching is good for me as well - I have improved my English and German a lot!
I like chatting to the boy's mom. The conversation is   mostly about her boy - but it is nice. Talking about him never hurts me. After all, somehow the boy became part of my life, after teaching him for two years. But last time she had the need to share with me a sweet story how she announced her pregnancy to her husband. This story hurt, I didn't want to know the details that I know now. I listened but then I used the first opportunity to escape.

There is a good news. I have a good colleague at work who is pregnant. As far as I can remember, this is the first pregnancy after my infertility that I am handeling very well. I am actually looking forward that her daughter is born. So I guess  it is a small step towards healing.


  1. Oh, so many responses to your cousin. Let me at him! And you don't have to be an infertile woman to object to his "granny joke" either. Sigh.

    I'm sorry about having to listen to the pregnancy announcement story. I don't know why people would share that with anyone else, let alone a woman without children. I do love though that you like chatting to her. Do you think that it is because she accepts you as a very important adult in her son's life, someone who knows him and influences him and responds to him?

    Healing means life gets easier. I think getting into our 40s (and beyond!) helps too. I'm glad you're feeling good about your colleague's pregnancy. You might still have one or two ouch moments, but the good feelings will balance them out.

  2. Dear Klara, I am sorry about that. Listening to jokes on this topic is never fun for us. I once had to put up with a man making a joke about our wanting children but not having them yet. I was angry for days.

    Escaping as quickly as we can from situations that hurt us or make us feel uncomfortable is all we can do, unfortunately. Somehow it seems acceptable for society to ignore us and our vulnerability. One part of me knows that people are just not "educated" enough to know, and the other part still gets upset, especially when people who are informed about our situation do this to us. I may write a post on that topic soon.

    I am glad that having this pregnant colleague at work does not make you sad. It is a small step towards healing indeed :-).

    Wishing you a good Easter weekend,

  3. I'm glad to hear the news of your work colleague's pregnancy didn't hurt. This gives me hope. That is what I am dreading about returning to the work force- not being able to avoid being around other people's pregnancies.

  4. dear Mali, Elaine and Phoenix, thank you a lot for your kind comments.

    Mali - thank you a lot for asking it. I think I like chatting to the boy's mom because she accepts me as a very important adult in her son's life, someone who knows him and influences him.
    It is such a refreshing change. Since the vast majority of people I know think I know nothing about children just because I don't have children of my own.

  5. Granny??!! Ugh! :p I hate it when men make jokes like that about their wives. Glad to hear you were able to take your coworker's pg announcement in stride. I know it can change from day to day...!