Tuesday, February 26, 2013

The meanest thing

What was the meanest thing that you ever heard after you began with your infertility journey? I will tell you mine. 

Just before going to the Czech Republic for an egg donation I had a date with two ex-coworkers (both my age, both mothers).

I was full of hormones (fertility drugs that you have to take before egg donation are devastating, I found them much worse then drugs that I took during previous 9 classic IVFs).

I haven't told them that that particular treatment is different. Egg donation was my & DH's secret.

I started telling them my fears that I would never be a mother. That that was our last attempt. That 10th tries are enough and that if the 10th  try will not work out, we will stop (just a note: my DH wanted to stop at the attempt number 4 or 5, but I just couldn't).

I told them how I dread facing childless life.

One of the woman is wise. She knew I just needed somebody to listen to. So she did what expected - she listened to me.

But the other (mother of three pre-school boys!) said: "You are making too much deal out of you infertility. It is no such big deal. I also thought I would never have children with my ex-husband and I was OK with it."

Just a note: she was obviously not OK being childless since she (aged 29 then) divorced seriously sick husband and found a new, healthy one (that was able to give her three sons).

Her comment hurt me.

It is the same as if I told a friend with terminal cancer that I know exactly how it feels to have cancer. Since I was afraid for one month that they found something wrong on my mammography.

Needless to say I avoided this colleague for some time. I ignored her invitations for coffee. But then in summer I finally accepted her invitation, just to see what happens. It was nice - at least until she started a topic that she really shouldn't discuss with me. She started to explain me how sad she was since she wishes to have a forth child (hopefully girl), but her husband thinks three children are enough. So they agreed not to have any child more. But she was sad since having to say goodbye for good to her fertility.

I wanted to scream. I didn't. But I left as soon as I could. And never returned to this colleague.

I really really really prefer to be alone as lonely in a company.


  1. Oh dear...no wonder you wanted to scream! I'm still in shock...speechless...

  2. Aargh! This woman is the epitome of a self-absorbed person blind to the obvious around her. She clearly expected to dump on you as a way to make herself feel better, losing sight completely of the fact that you can't complain about hunger to a woman who has never eaten.

  3. OMG, I'm speechless!! Can't belive what people can say sometimes..
    (Glad that you never returned to this colleague)

  4. In the midst of infertility, that first comment would just plain hurt. I'm sorry you had to listen to that. (I also think there's a huge difference between thinking you might not be able to have children, and knowing, beyond a shadow of a doubt.)

    These days though I would not let her away with that final conversation. I would sit there, let her complain, and then ask her if I was really the right person to complain to. And let her think about that. Maybe she's realised that saying good-bye to fertility is hard. And maybe she could imagine how hard it is. And was, for you. (Though she doesn't sound that understanding). Argh.

  5. thank you for your comments... really great that I am not alone!

  6. I had a similar situation with my niece. I know she didn't mean to be hurtful. Her first son was born 7 days before our son was stillborn. She went on to have another son, and is again pregnant.

    Via facebook...She was saying how she found an outfit she bought during her first pregnancy for a little girl. She started crying when she found it because she had just found out her third pregnancy will again be a boy, and she didn't think they would try again for a girl.

    I thought she should be thankful for the gorgeous boys she has! But I know I can't really say anything without causing a fight, but it hurt me. I just don't think people are as empathetic as they should be. Do people even think about how hard it would truly be if they were told that they could not have children?

    Bottom line, I totally understand how devastating people's words can be.

    1. your niece is really childish & immature.
      Crying over getting the third beautiful baby boy?
      If only she knew...