My Christmas wish

 

I have the same Christmas wish as the last nine years. 

I would like to receive an email from you. 

To know who you are. 

Where you come from. 

Why you read my blog. 

What my blog means to you. 

Has it helped you in any way?

 I promise not to publish your email or misuse it in any way. 

And I promise to write back!

 My email: klara.soncek (at) gmail.com 

I am looking forward to Christmas :)

 

PS: on the photo:  Piran & Christmas lights

Notre Dame

 

The photo was taken just a few weeks ago on my business trip.  

I have been visiting Paris at least once a year for the past five years. I feel privileged to have been able to follow the restoration process and I am very happy that it is now complete.

To see world jewels like Notre Dame is simply priceless!

All the unrecognised losses

I went on a teambuilding & New Year's party with colleagues.

One of the highlights was a visit to the beautiful seaside town of Piran. The company organised a short concert for us.

The classical music was nice. I was listening to the music when suddenly I was overcome by sadness. There was something about the artist that reminded me so much of my beloved nephew who had died. All the sadness that I thought I had left behind just came back. Just because of this perfect music in the perfect place.

On the outside - I hadn't lost anything. He wasn't even my nephew, he was my husband's nephew.

But I had lost so much. I had loved this boy since the day I met him.
***
It made me think of all the other unrecognised losses.

And in spite of all these losses, I want to live. And when it is hard, I just take it one day at a time.  

 

 

Riva del Garda, Lake Garda

 

I am sharing a beautiful photo from my recent work trip. The north of Lake Garda is breathtakingly beautiful! 

This is one of the silver linings of being childless. I always have time for a new business trip whenever there is an opportunity to attend something. I never say no :)

 

Just the Two of Us

 

I love long walks in nature so much!

Yesterday we went for a long hike in the Triglav National Park, we walked around the beautiful alpine lake Bohinj.

Can you see the shadows of me & my husband on the photo <3?

I took the photo from the bridge, which is very close to where the Savica stream flows into Lake Bohinj.

Colourful life

 

There are so many things I want to write.

First, the unpleasant.

I knew that a colleague of mine (a mother of three teenagers) was going through breast cancer treatment, so I called her to wish her well.  One of the things she told me was that she had a regular annual check-up with her gynaecologist and she was told that her womb looked like a woman 15 years younger and that she could easily have one or two more children.

She knows about my infertility, all the failed IVFs and all the suffering.  Only a mean person could say that to a childless woman. I am so fed up with her. I feel sorry regarding her cancer, but I won't phone her again.

*****

A lovely story.

I had a nice day at work with my colleagues. We were working hard, but we took a few minutes off to get some fresh air and talk about the things we do in our spare time.

One of the colleagues (a mother of two teenage daughters) said out loud: "I would like to be like Klara. She doesn't wait for anyone - she just does things and knows how to actively enjoy her free time".

I loved her for her kind comment.

It is very true. My husband works much harder and longer hours - so I do things (like going for a long walk or cycling alone).

I returned her kind comment and said: "And I would love to be just like you - a mother of two beautiful, kind girls".  

I didn't feel blue afterwards.

I love my life.  And being childless - well, it is just part of my life.

*****

A photo above: was taken yesterday, I took my cousin's daughter for a 1-day road trip. We visited many beautiful places, the highlight being Grado, Italy. The trip was my gift for her confirmation. It was just priceless to spend a day with her. I am very glad that she accepted my gift!

Finding comfort in small, beautiful things

 

I am feeling blue, I have just heard that my dearest colleague at work has resigned. I am happy for her that she has found the courage to follow her dreams. She will be working for another two months, but I miss her already.

I decided a long time ago that I don't want to do injustice to my life, I don't want to compare it.

But still.

I thought about all the things my dear colleague has achieved in the last 14 years.  Her list is long, the highlights are her two beautiful, healthy children. I know how busy her days have been, juggling work and family.

But maybe those things are easy compared to the soul crushing disappointment that people face when huge insurmountable losses must be navigated.  

****

That last sentence isn't mine, it was written by a dear pen friend of mine. I loved her sentence so much that I wrote it down here. If you are reading this... thank you for being my penfriend for more than a decade <3

****

For the last 14 years I have been through the hell of infertility. My dreams, hopes, heart and soul have been crushed a million times. And yet I found the strength and courage to put (most of the) broken pieces together and carry on. I am proud of that.

****

As always, when I feel blue. I try to find comfort in small, beautiful things. Like a beautiful pumpkin & zinnia from our vegetable garden. The pumpkin & potato soup with fresh herbs was simply delicious!

Investing in my own health

 

I have been thinking a lot about financial stability in old age. I think I worry a lot more than my colleagues with children. I don't think any of them are planning to rely on children. But emotionally they feel much more secure.

I know that for me and my husband - that we can only rely on ourselves.

I have been discussing investments with some of my friends. One of them said that she thought the best investments were investments in your own health.

I loved her point so much!

I never thought about it - but I have invested a lot in my own health over the last few years.

Two photos from this summer 🌞:

1) Swimming in the crystal clear sea in Dalmatia is really good for my health!

2) Picking strawberries, blueberries and chanterelles during a long hike in the Julian Alps.

The summer

 

I try to make the most of my summer. Once a week I go swimming in this beautiful alpine lake. My favourite way to get there is to combine cycling with a train ride.

Swimming in the crystal clear alpine lake... just priceless! 

Kilometers cycled this year so far: 1100. 

Happy 😊

The beautiful drawings by two little girls on our fridge

 

I am having a lovely summer.

I haven't written much on my blog lately, mainly because I don't have much more to say about life without children. For me it has become my life and I love it the way it is.  

For a while I thought about shutting down the blog. But then I changed my mind.  I thought of new generations of young women who might be struggling to accept a childless life, and that reading some comforting old text might help (at least a little). So I left it.

A few days ago I had a nice visit from a reader of my blog from abroad - she lives exactly 1000 kilometres north of us.

She came with her husband, both of them much younger than we are. The boys were outside doing some technical stuff. And we were inside, cooking and talking. It was a wonderful feeling - to connect with someone so kind, who had gone through the same suffering as I had 15 years ago.

Then suddenly she noticed two beautiful drawings on our fridge. I told her that I had recently had a pyjama party with 6 (!) nephews and nieces. The two youngest - both aged 5 - decided they wanted to draw something just for me.  Just priceless! I keep the drawings on our fridge and whenever I see them I remember how cute they were and how they belonged to me for two days. How I enjoyed their excitement at being invited to a party in our home for the very first time.

The new blogger friend commented that this is something she could never do - have other people's children's drawings in her home. Because seeing them would break her heart every time.

I told her I understood - that 15 years ago I could never have had the drawings there either. But now I can.

Just another reminder of how hard it is to accept life after infertility. And what a long way I have come. I don't say this very often - I'm proud of myself.

Priceless memories

 

I was having a discussion with a colleague about some new employees and their demands. The older colleague commented that at least she had a child so she understood the younger generation.

What kind of comment is it?

It implies directly that because I don't have a child of my own, I understand nothing?

*** 

I decided that her rude comment won't spoil my day.

So I thought of something nice.

I thought of my dear friend's daughter and her comment some time ago when she was 15.

For her 15th birthday, I wrapped up a small gift and sent it through my friend. The girl commented to her mother.

"I have been thinking about Klara lately. She is my only real aunt. She is the only aunt who ever babysat me and the only one who sometimes did homework with me and the only one who sends me a birthday card".

How sweet her comment was. The girl has two aunts but they have never done these things... as they have children of their own and are too busy.

I will keep the girl's comment in my heart forever. It reminds me of what is really important in life. Priceless moments.

***

On the photo: a beautiful photo from Slovenia's only national park. I love to walk there!

Have I come to terms with my childlessness?

Have I come to terms with my childlessness? 

No. 

I have simply learned to live with it. 

 

Every year that goes by makes me appreciate the little things more. 

Like eating delicious Zeppole di San Giuseppe in this traditional café:

https://grancaffegambrinus.com/en/english-pasticceria/

I love Napoli!

Invitation for a coffee and a cake :)

Here are a few photos of this beautiful castle:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bled_Castle

 

There are so many beautiful things to visit in my country. So... who will be visiting me for coffee and cake next?

:)

Madrid

 

I am reading a book written by a young woman who had a stroke ten years ago when she was only 25. I loved one of the sentences in her book. She said that it took her many years to see herself for who she was and not just as a person who had had a stroke.

It made me realise how much infertility has defined the way I see myself.  I am so much more than my infertility. There are so many wonderful things in my life. I just don't want to focus on my childlessness any more.

I would like to show you some beautiful things that I experienced in 2023 that I haven't had time to share with you yet.

I visited beautiful Madrid. I stayed there for a few days for work. And although I had almost no free time, I managed to visit the Prado again. I love the beautiful paintings of the Prado so much!