Getting back to work after not working for almost a year wasn't easy. But it is lovely to be back in busy life (and it is great to receive full pay again :)
I have been doing well lately. The little time that is left available I use for gardening (in my veggie garden), swimming and cycling.
But there is always something that reminds me that I am different.
I was invited to co-worker's party - she recently moved to a new home and at the same time they got a second child. So there we were: picture perfect family with two toddlers and 8 of the coworkers. I didn't really want to go, but I didn't want to be rude to decline the invitation, so I went. Chatting with children and their mother was the easy part.
But then another coworker (a man in his late 30s) started a speech. It was a kind of poem / a toast to the hardest role of all: a working mother. Since she is not only a mother, she is also a wife and besides all those roles she also has to be an efficient business woman.
When listening to this silly speech (all others thought it was wonderful) a known pain overwhelmed me.
If they only knew, how hard it is to be an infertile woman in the fertile world. How hard it was to be a loving wife when my soul had been broken into million pieces. How hard it was to go to office every day and work when I was so sad that I couldn't see any purpose in my childless life any more.
It breaks my heart when I look back to the darkest days of my infertility - when I started to realize that the dream of motherhood would never happen, no matter how many IVFs we take. The sadness was so deep that it is difficult to find the words to describe it.
Looking back, I see what a long path I have walked. How much strength I needed to rebuild my life and find my own version of happiness.
Yes, I will always be different. But how boring the world would be if we all were the same :)
PS: photo was taken today, on my vegetable garden. I love having flowers among vegetables. This is the very first sunflower this year.