Everybody’s kids

I had to work few weeks ago on a business event for few days. I was talking with lots of colleagues that come from the same industry as I do, among others I met a lovely 24-year-old girl.  We talked about lots of things, among other she told me that she is freshly in love and described him. On the day number 3 she came to me and said that she was sorry, but that she lied to me. She explained that at the beginning she wasn't sure whether she could trust me or not. And that she wished to share with me that her new love was a girl. It was a lovely feeling - that there was a young person who trusted me. 

After the event we stayed in touch via email. Few days ago she wrote me that she would love to meet me, together with her girl-friend.  I invited them to my home town (by the way: it is very pretty) for a walk & tea & apple pie.

I was honoured, that a girl that could easily be my daughter doesn't see me as an old boring person :)

It made me think of  Dolly Parton and her  thought that everybody’s kids could be hers.  When I think about this young girl, I feel the same. I don't have children, but this doesn't  mean that I don't have contacts with the next generation.

I guess that this girl sensed that I do not have a traditional life. That I am different. And she is different too, in other way. So she feels comfortable talking to me since she feels I am not someone who judges others.

I am looking forward to meeting them.

Count your blessings

Most of people deleted me (and my husband) from their invitation lists. I can't blame them. We have skipped countless kids' birthdays and other events that included mainly families with kids.

But there is one exception, my cousin. I declined her invitation to 13 birthday parties of her two kids and yet, she still sent us an invitation. It wasn't kids' birthday, it was family occasion. So I thought we could go, just to show gratitude for not deleting us from their lives.

We went and it was OK. Yes, there was some silly comments that I hated. Like -  now you have to make the third child!  (it was said by the mother of three to my cousin).

There were approximately 10 kids under 10. When I couldn't listen to adults any more, I just accepted kids' invitation to play outside (hide & seek) and it was great fun!

I am still not 100 % functional among adults (and I guess I will never be, I am already having some issues with new "grannies" who are only like few years older then me). But among children - at least the ones above 3 years - I feel perfectly fine.

****
Count your blessings is the expression that I love. One of my blessings is time spent with my mom's cousin who has cancer. I have been bringing her books from the library for the last few years. I am also keeping list (well, it is copy-paste from the library system) where she marks me all the books she loved the most. So far I brought her around 300 books.  I love talking to her. About books. About life.

The last time I visited her  she said that she knows how much I wished to have children of my own (=I never talked about my infertility with her), but that she just wanted me to know something. She said that once an older friend told her something and it stayed with her because it is so true: "When your children are little, they drink your milk. When they grow up, they drink your blood."

She knows what she is talking about. She has a son who hasn't spoken to her for more then a decade.

We both had tears in our eyes when we talked. Me because of my unfulfilled dreams. She because of the pain caused by her son. It was a therapeutic for both of us.

The hardest thing I've ever done

This Christmas / New Year period I got only two new emails from readers of my blog. Since they were so few I appreciate them even more. Thank you for taking time to write to me.

One of them wrote that giving up the dream of her children is also the hardest thing she has ever done.  I couldn't agree more. This was the hardest thing I've ever done.

A candle for a friend

I got an email  today from a husband of a friend (from the time of IVFs). He wished me a happy new year and then wrote that sadly his wife passed away few days ago, leaving him alone with their son. 

I am so sorry for him. And I am so sorry that a 7-year-old boy will have to grow up without his mother.

I had an amazing support group during the times of all infertility treatments. But one by one they were getting babies (in a country where 6 IVFs are completely free of charge most of the women do get what they wish for). I no longer belonged to their group. They were still nice, inviting me to their events, but I could not - in the darkest days of my infertility - go to meetings where there was only one topic: pregnancies, newborns, toddlers...

So I stopped going to their reunions.

This friend even wrote to me couple of times after the birth of the child. I said congratulations and best wishes for the baby. She invited me to see the baby. Can't really remember what I replied, but probably that I am not ready for meeting the child and that I will get back to her when I am ready.

I wasn't ready for many years and when I was ready, I forgot about her and she forgot about me.   But yet ... my email was somewhere there for her husband to find and let me know about the tragedy.

If you didn't go through infertility you probably think I am selfish b****.
If you did go, then you understand... it is self-preservation. Without it I literally could not survive accepting childless life after the infertility.

I sent email with condolences to her husband and their little boy.

And I will lit a little candle in her memory now.

I can't do anything else.

Happy and Healthy New Year!

In my country we never wish only for a happy new year, good wishes should be always in combination with health.

So, my dear readers, I am wishing you a very Happy and Healthy New Year! 


PS: photo was taken almost 12 years ago, while travelling around Patagonia (on the photo: breathtaking beautiful glacier Perito Moreno). My therapy during the years of failed IVFs was travelling. Always when heartbroken the only thing that worked for me was buying a plane ticket and fly far away for few weeks together with my husband. Since we had 10 failed IVFs we have seen quite some of the world :)  One of these days I will make "best of" travelling photos from that time.

My Christmas wish

I have the same Christmas wish as the last year and the year before.
I would love to get an email from you.
To learn who you are. 
Where you come from.
Why you read my blog.
What my blog means to you. 

I promise I will not publish your emails, nor misuse them in any way.

My email: klara.soncek (at) gmail.com


I am looking forward to Christmas :)
I loved receiving emails last December from literally all around the world!  


PS: on the photo: our capital, Ljubljana, with Christmas lights. It is very pretty! Photo was taken few days ago when having mulled wine (=tradition here) with coworkers.

December

Since I try to save as much money as possible for "our little house" project, this year my husband and I didn't spend a lot for our holidays. The only overnight stays that we paid were 2 nights while cycling in Austria.

And yet, I am fortunate to have a job where I can travel often. I have just returned from Italy. Italy in December with all the Christmas lights is just beautiful! 

I have been doing really well this December. Not that many years ago, when in the darkest years of my infertility, I really suffered in December. Now I am getting my life back which means I am enjoying December.

There are moments that hurt (and there always will be).  Like feeling trapped in work lunch where all women are in the age group 30 - 45 and all they can talk is about their children's school and homeworks. Not long ago I would be depressed for days after.

Now I just thought it is sad for them if they are not capable of any other theme than this.

Me for example:
- I don't even mention my beloved Wolf to people who are dogless :)
- I don't talk about my husband, about beautiful things we did together previous weekend to my girlfriends who are single
- I don't talk about nice afternoon that I spent with my brother to a friend whose brother passed away or to a friend who lost her brother because of possessive sister-in-low
- I don't talk about beautiful gardening days that I spent in summer with my mom to friends whose mothers sadly passed away
- I don't talk about my plans to travel to a) Paris and Normandy and Provance and b) New Zealand as soon as the house is built and at least partly paid off  to friends who earn very little and can't ever afford any holidays
- I don't talk about my sport projects to a friend who has multiple sclerosis and who hardly walks
- ....


If infertility didn't come to my life, I would probably be the same as most people. But now I am not. I am glad to have this feeling what to say (or not to say) to people. I like to be compassionate. But sometimes it makes me angry - why can't the rest of the world be compassionate with me?