You get used to it

I had a bad fight with my cousin, I disagree how most of the family treats our granny. My cousin prohibited to open this subject with her ever again. But if we don't talk about the person that connected us the most, what remains to be talked about? I am not interested in having a small talk.

I was feeling blue for whole week. Also because of her two kids, they will be a collateral damage. Once again I learnt that it is dangerous to attach to children that aren't yours.

But, I prefer to be disappointed now than in decades that will (hopefully) follow.


Have I ever written that I really like Woody Allen? I enjoyed watching a movie Fading Gigolo yesterday.

I liked this conversation:

A (=a woman who has 6 children): Do you have any family? 
Gigolo: No, not any more.
A: Do you get lonely?
Gigolo: You get used to it.

Amazing Sally

http://www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/item/415001fb-f5c2-4925-a23f-59d60f82f6d3


I hope that I will be exactly like Sally when 97.
(I only hope that my husband, then 101, will be walking the dogs with me).

Who says that old childless people are bitter and lonely? 

Only the lucky ones...

I might buy one of those hoodies one day, it is so cool!

I am now off for a walk with my beloved Wolfie.

A moment of happiness lost

One of the reasons why I love exchanging emails with my bloggie friends is that I always get great ideas what to read next. I have just read this beautiful short story:

 

I have already read some other Leo Buscaglia's books before, I really like the author.  

“Every moment spent in unhappiness is a moment of happiness lost.”
― Leo Buscaglia

How many moments of happiness have I lost!  

I decided not to regret this. It is only important what I will do with my life from this moment on. 

A photo of mountain & beautiful leaves: was taken exactly two years ago in Yosemite National Park. What lovely memories!

 

The Invention of Wings

There is an old proverb: "Each thing is good for something". Well, I don't necessarily agree with this statement. But today's sick day was just perfect for reading a wonderful novel:



“My body might be a slave, but not my mind. For you, it's the other way round.”
― Sue Monk Kidd, The Invention of Wings

This sentence made me think. My body and my mind were slaved by infertility for a whole decade. Luckily I am (almost) free now.
 

Es un sueño muy grande

I spent most of October in Italy, for work. There are many highlights whenever I go to Italy, the biggest one: their delicious food.  On the photo: panna cotta con frutti di bosco / cooked sweet cream with forest berries.

There are also disadvantages: when you have to travel in cold, windy and rainy days. I got home with a terrible cold that caused stomach / lungs problems, so  I am staying at home this week. I have also a terrible headache. How I wish I was healthy!

I guess that since I am not healthy some things irritate me easily. Like, watching this on BBC this morning: http://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-37696850

I love Spanish language. I don't speak it, but I understand a lot of it. The words that a Spanish, who just had her - I assume - first child (do I have to mention she is 62!) - Es un sueño muy grande - It is a big dream - irritated me. And it made me angry, that she is there, in front  of cameras, denying that she used any infertility treatments. 

Why I don't like stories like that is that they create false impression that there isn't any age limit for a woman to have a child. I am 43 and I really hope that I will never ever have to hear again that I still have time. Since I don't, at least not for having a child.

***

I don't always go for a lunch at work with the same people. Sometimes I join the group of 4 colleagues, who are all almost 40, all mothers of two kids. They are nice, but since there is basically only work that we all have in common, sometimes we have to struggle to find a topic for chatting. A while ago I was joining some other coworkers and those 4 colleagues were sitting together. I realized how much more vivid their conversation is, when I am not there. Since they share one thing in common: they are all mothers of young children and they were sharing fun stories over bedtime with kids.

I am glad that they didn't have this conversation when I was with them. But yet, it hurt to see that I might be seen as an disturbing element.

***

Twelve years ago 4 girlfriends gave me this painting of Madonna with baby Jesus:

 It was wrapped in a newspaper (so I could know exactly when it was given to me) and put in a big colourful bag that you get in a shop for newborns. I got the instructions that the picture should be put under my bed, to make my dreams come to true.

I forgot that I own this painting most of the time. When I did some cleaning in the summer, I found it and I just knew I can't have it any more. I can't be remembered till the end of my life of the unfulfilled dreams over and over again (there are enough triggers without this painting already). But, what do you do with a painting like this? You can't throw it to the trash.

I cleaned the painting, wrapped it and gave it as a gift to my granny and her sister (they live together). They loved it.

Will to live

There are days that I think I am 100 % healed and I don't need my blog any more. At least not for writing anything regarding being childless after infertility.

But there is always something that hurts me when least expected. Like watching the commercials for new Bridget Jones' movie everywhere.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1473832/

It hurts so much - she is 43 (=my age) and pregnant! Not to mention that she doesn't know who the child's father is.  Obviously I am never going to watch this movie (I loved the first one though).

***
I had a business lunch with my bosses and coworkers in a pretty restaurant last week when I met my best friend from university. I haven't met her for ten years. She is a nice person, but I remember that after she had two babies in 2 years, that I wrote her an email saying that I am very happy for her, but that it is too difficult for me to be around, so I can't be around her for a while.

She remembered this email differently. She told me last week that it hurt her deeply when I wrote her that I never ever wanted to see her again. So she respected my wishes and never contacted me again.

I felt ashamed. It is quite probable that I did write this. I was so messed up then. It made me think whom all did I loose in those years and always blamed them, not me.

But you see, I sent the same / or similair email also to my best friend. She respected that I needed some time to be alone, but yet she never forgot me like all the others. She kept sending me emails like "Dear Klara, I know you can't be with me now, but I just wanted to let you know that I miss you terribly...." I will never forget her kindness in the darkest times of my infertility.

The most people that I lost, just took the easy way out. It is not fun to be around depressed friend. So it is just the easiest solution that they understood my request very literally and just forgot about me.

***

I was deeply touched when I read new blogger Lucia's post:
https://infertilephoenix.blogspot.si/2016/10/thankful-for-blogging-pioneers.html
and read her sentence: "Infertility isn't fatal, but these women may have saved my will to live." and my name on her list.

Meet Lucia, new blogger

It is lovely when one of us starts writting a blog:
https://infertilephoenix.blogspot.com

Dear Lucia: I am happy that you started to write. I am looking forward to reading your blog. I promise, writing is therapeutical! Wishing you all the best.