Argentina

I spent quiet Christmas, just the two of us and beloved Wolf.  We went for a really long walk. Walking the dog is the best therapy ever.

I was thinking about the best moments I had so far with my DH. A lot of our best moments happened while travelling... so I hope there are lots of travelling is waiting for us in the next few decades.

I am attaching some photos from Argentina. We just loved Patagonia and lakes around Bariloche. We went there after second failed IVF, as a therapy for my broken heart.

Life after infertility

I got my period today. My first thought was: Great! I will be without it on 31st of December (I am planning short holidays with DH). It will be more romantic without it :)

Then I remembered of all the pain and grief that the first day of period caused me for many long years, each month.

How happy am I that those dark years are over! 

*** 

For the ones who are not there yet: Life after infertility does get easier and more beautiful.

I feel the grief. And - I am not a parent.

I regret that a tragedy in Newtown happened. I feel deep sorrow for the ones who lost their children and beloved ones.

I watched Obama's speech and he made me angry. Here is his quote:

"I know there is not a parent in America who doesn't feel the same overwhelming grief that I do."


A question for Mr. Obama:
Do you REALLY think that you have to be a parent to feel grief?

Finding a new dream

Don't get me wrong - I am happy that Kate & William are getting a baby. But please, could this not be news anywhere? December is hard enough without it...

I just came back from Italy (I spent 3 beautiful days working there). Have I told you that I just LOVE Italian cuisine? I am practising there ordering dinner and enjoying my own company. I was reading an Italian regional newspaper (Il Piccolo) and there they had really stupid article about royal baby arriving. The literate translation would be something like that: "Yes, they are able to reproduce. Thanks Heavens for that...." In the article there was word combination "in dolce attesa" (=in sweet expectations) like zillion of times. I tried to skip the article but I just couldn't. Luckily the dinner was delicious so my moods improved.

***

I had a coffee with one of my school friends from high school last week. It was nice to see her and catch up (she is also childless). Today in the morning I wrote her just saying that I had great time and that I would love to see her again sooner then in one year (this is how often we usually meet). And she wrote back immediately that she was dreaming about me previous night. In her dream I was holding lots of medical papers, I was very happy and was explaining to her that I am finally pregnant and that I need to make final test to confirm it.

I wrote back that I just burnt ALL my medical reports that I had after 10 IVF treatments. And that with the papers I also burnt my old dreams. And that now I am on a pursuit of finding a new dream.

It felt liberating to put it down!

Tons of documents from the hospitals

Only a woman that went through one IVF treatment knows, how much medical documentation there is for one treatment.

So you can imagine how many documents I had after 10 IVFs? Tons!

I just packed everything, my DH will burn everything tomorrow. It feels good!

The only thing that I could not throw away is a photo of our two embryos (we got the photo only once). This is the closest thing that we have to a photo of our children.

I put the photo of our embryos in a beautiful big box, where are plenty of nice memories. I can't say it is a nice memory. But it is a memory of a beautiful dream we once had.  I just couldn't force myself to put the photo away...

I don't feel sad. It is, what it is.

I  just know that I have to (and I wish to) make the most of the life I have.  It is not the life I planned for myself. But it is beautiful as well.

A toy

I love my sister. But sometimes she has absolutely no clue how to handle my infertility.

A while ago (I was in the darkest days of my infertility journey) she went to Australia for a holiday. She brought me a small present: a toy - koala with a baby koala.

I hated the toy from the moment I got it. I didn't want to be impolite, so I put it on our shelf in the living room.  Whenever I looked at koala it made me sad since a koala has something I will never have.

I was cleaning  the  living room today. I threw away many things that I did not need nor want anymore (for example some stupid books that I loved to read when I was 20).

And - I finally got the courage to throw away the koala as well.

I feel free!!!


***

Had a long walk with my Wolf today, in the snow. It was cold and beautiful.

Childless?

How can you call me childless if my life is full of children?
Well, the children are not mine, but they still belong to my life. 

Usually I see my nieces only 2 - 3 times per month, but this week I spent two afternoons with them since we are having a visit from Australia (two girls in their late twenties).

It was lovely to watch my two nieces (3 and 5) trying to communicate. They learned the words Hello and Goodbye. And they know how to count in English to 10... they were so proud that they could show their knowledge to Australian girls.

I enjoyed it so much! I am happy that my nieces have opportunity to speak English at such an early stage.

Completely missunderstood

I was on messenger  with a coworker  from another department today, we were chatting a bit how  to fix some job related problem. She just moved to a new house and she asked me later on what were our plans regarding building a house and I explained that we think we might had found a perfect land and that we hope to buy it in few weeks...  (subject for another post, in January)

Here is the weird conversation that we had later on (I came to her office where 9 women are sitting).

She:  Oh, hello... I am so happy for you, I hope your dreams will come true.

Me:   Well, it is not sure yet... but I hope everything will work out.

She:   (obviously I missed some curious looks since I focused on the document in my hands).
          No, Klara is NOT pregnant!

Me:      (many curious looks that I DID noticed)
            Well, I am too old for that...

She:    You are not too old for that...

Only few seconds later (after delivering the document, wishing nice weekend and saying goodbye) I realized that she did not think that I am too old for pregnancy. She wanted to say I am not too old too have s**.

Bloody *****. Of course I am not too old to have s**!!!!

****

Closure for today: I will not comment ANYTHING EVER again to women who are mothers of small children. They just can not get it.

How to live beyond 100

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-18613263

I loved this article.

Weird question, weird answer

There is a weird conversation that I had with our secretary at work yesterday (she is 26, nice, loves to chat, she just started to work couple of weeks ago).

I was preparing some tea for me when she entered the kitchenette (we were alone, since it was very early):

She:   So, what about children?
Me:   What children?
She:   Your children.
Me:    I do not have children.
She:   I know you do not have children. So, when are you planing to have them?
Me:    I am not planning. I am too old. So, when are YOU going to have children?
She:   (Shocked by question). Well, I do not know. Not for some years, but I still have time. You are not too old. You can still have them.
Me:    Well. I have 10 dead children. No alive child. And I will not have any children more. 

The poor girl was shocked by my answer. She apologized briefly and went away. Then she avoided me for the rest of the day.

I felt total freedom. She will never ever ask me THAT question again.

I did not feel like explaining that my 10 children are only my embbies that decided not to stay with me.  Those are parts of my life that I do not wish to remember any more: the deep sadness when the period arrived after IVF.

The barren aunt

I spent yesterday afternoon my parent's house, together with my four nephews, aged from 6 months to five years. It was lovely. Very crowdy, vivid and loud.  Me & DH came back home completely exhausted. It was lovely to come to our quiet apartment to have our peace.

Today afternoon my sister came for a visit with her little ones (6 months, 3 years). It was lovely. I do not want to boast, but I really am good with children. They love me. I know how to talk to children, I always did.

It is lovely to be able to enjoy company of other people's children. I was not able to do that for the first 5 - 7 years of our infertility path. 

I guess I am quite OK with being childless.

The only thing that really hurts me are casual remarks of different people who regard my life less important (or even worthless) just because I do not have children of my own.

***
Today I read Mali's post The barren aunt and I just loved it:
 http://nokiddinginnz.blogspot.com/2012/11/the-barren-aunt.html 

Two days off

Today is a national holiday in my country and so is tomorrow. It is really great not having to go to work for whole 2 days!

DH had to work, so I made myself a beautiful day. I went for a long walk with my beloved Wolf, we walked 16 kilometers (10 miles). We had a great time together. He enjoyed it a lot... going to far away places that we usually do not go.

I did not take any photos today, so I am attaching a photo taken in the summer, from our walk to the mountains.  Isn't my Wolf handsome?

***
This week all schools have a week off. So literally all coworkers with kids took the whole week off. It was quite annoying - all the talking about different activities / holidays etc.  I stopped counting how many times I was asked where I would go for holidays this week. I invented the sentence: "I never go on holiday when EVERYBODY else goes." Without explaining any further. None of nobody's business.

Monday

The beginning of the day was really nice.  I had a cup of coffee with a business partner from the USA that I haven't seen for three years. She is a in her late forties. I don't know her that well. I know she is happily married (for 20 years), without children. I guess they could not have them, but we never talked about it.

They have been living in Europe for the last few years. I asked her whether they are planning to stay in Europe for good or they are planning to return to States. And she said that they do not know yet - that all possibilities are open for them.

Suddenly I felt so happy for them - literally all possibilities are open for them. Being childfree make them free.

And I felt good for me & my DH. We can have exactly the life we want to have.

***

Then I had lunch with two colleagues from another department.  Everything went well at the beginning, until the moment they started discussing pregnancy of another coworker and this encouraged them to awake their memories about their pregnancy some years ago.  I had to listen to every details... But I did not feel that bad.  It just proved my theory on how low EQ some people have. Unbelievable! And they didn't even noticed that I didn't open my mouth for 20 minutes. I swear - I am not and I was never as rude as that - to completely exclude another human being from the conversation.  

***

Then I had a long walk with my beloved Wolf. I love him so much! Can not imagine my life without him.

***
And then my Mattie dropped by in the evening, for a cup of tea. I know she is busy, combining demanding job & two demanding little children. So I really appreciate time that she takes to be with me, even if only for half an hour.

***
I am just watching the news.... I am keeping my fingers crossed that Sandy will not be as bad as predicted.

Afraid

I got a letter from the hospital back, after the mammography.

The letter was short. No results. Only an invitation for some further tests (ultrasound of breasts).

I have to go back to the hospital in the first week of December.

Such a long wait!

I am afraid.

I went for a walk. I met plenty of people, some with children.

I wasn't envious of extra cute babies that I met with their parents.

I was just envious of all people that I met with a smile on their face.... without the heavy burden.  

I am not funny

I realized already a while ago that I am already OK with being without children (at least most of the time). The only thing that I am not OK is small talk with the Others (=non childless people).

I spent the last two days at the seaside, working on some project. There was also another company, in which I have two work friends:
friend A:  my age, mother of 2
friend B: my age, childless, just lost a baby (at 17week pregnancy)

*note: those are not my good friends, just women I know through work and had spent quite some time in the last few years when working on different projects. Both of them know about my 10 failed IVFs. 


This time I was working on a project together with friend A. We were working, but there was still plenty of time for small talks.

Friend A was explaining that her company got new general manager and that she didn't have a meeting with him yet, but a friend B did. I asked him what was he like. And friend A explained that he was really nice, that he had even shown photos of his four children to a friend B.

Here is the conversation:

Me:  It is really unprofessional of a general manager to show photos of his children to his employees!
Friend A:  Klara, you are so funny! Isn't it nice that he is proud of his children????

long silence

Me: I am not funny. I just consider that a general manager has to know the difference between his business and private life. And how do you think that a friend B felt? She had nothing to show in return, except perhaps two photos of her two dead babies.

long silence. Then friend A changed the subject.


***

I am declaring that from this moment on I will not try the Others to understand us. Because they can not.

Exception are only our good friends who show genuine interest in us and our feelings. And there are really only few of good friends. I am lucky to have some.

Please, keep my fingers crossed for me!

I spent many sad days in the last 10 years because of my infertility. There were lots of sadness, grieving, anger, envy...

Today I had a moment when I realized that all those negative feelings do not make any more sense. I do not want them in my life any more. And that I am really really OK by being without children. As long as I am healthy nothing else really matters.

I had mammography today. First of all the doctor checked my breasts manually (sorry for the expression, I don't know the right one). And she could feel something suspicious, she said that it could be tumor and that mammogram will show.

Then I had mammography. It hurt. The doctor was unfriendly and rough.

I will get the results within 3 - 4 weeks.

I guess everything will be OK. But I am still scared a bit.

Please, keep my fingers crossed for me!


***

I felt really down when leaving hospital.
A really long walk with my beloved Wolf helped me.

Silent Sorority & my sister

Have you read Silent Sorority? There just aren't enough words for me to describe on how many levels this book helped me with accepting my childless life. During the winter I am looking to re-read the book, I will write more then.

Once I was describing this book to my sister and I was explaining that no book could describe how I feel better then this book. So she said she would love to read the book.

One evening she phoned me, I picked up the phone and she was just crying. I got scared that something bad happened to her baby girl. But my sister was just crying on the phone: "It is so sad that Pamela can not have children. It is so sad that you can not have children." So I also started to cry and we were just crying together... No words were needed.

Mammography

The last time that I went to see my gyn, she told me that since not giving birth, I have increased possibility of breast cancer (obviously I knew that already). She sends all her childless patients to mammography when they are 40. And at 50, if they have children.

I got a date for the test yesterday, but I have to reschedule it (few days of a new business trip are waiting for me at the end of October!).

Arranging an appointment at the hospital brings many memories back. And they are not nice...

Alone But Together

How beautiful it is to wake up, have a nice breakfast with husband and than notice a kind blog post from one of my dearest friends:
http://blog.silentsorority.com/2012/10/02/alone-but-together-.aspx?results=1

I am attaching two photos, taken on two excursions that I had with you, Pamela. I am really so happy that we met!

And - I am so happy to have found a support group that has members all over the world!


Explanation for others:
- the first photo is taken in the north of Slovenia, in alpine part
- the second photo: the most beautiful castle in Slovenia: Predjama castle

If only she knew II

I have a new resolution. I will try to avoid multiple dates with mommy-friends for the next decade. I can handle only one mommy-friend at once.

Reason: if there is topic that I do not like, I can get our conversation to another, safer path.  For example - if I was only with one mommy friend, I would just stop participating in conversation with a topic "all details from the last school gathering of my first grader". But when two friends have a need to discuss every single detail in front  of me, it is impossible. I hate being invisible.*****

I was invited to celebrating a birthday of a friend. We went for a delicious cake, there were three of us. 

One of the girls is a good friend.

Another is a friend from the past, our friendship was seriously damaged because she did not know how to handle my infertility issues (her way of dealing of unpleasant issues: Let's stay positive & Do not even mention anything  at all. If we do not talk about, it means everything is perfectly fine.).

But she is kind and I still wanted that she knows me better.

So when there was a topic of why it is so popular to moan about husbands, I told them this story:
http://thenext15000days.blogspot.com/2012/02/if-only-she-knew.html

My real friend understood the point.
But my distant friend's comment was: "Oh my God. Children should bring couple closer together!" She completely missed the point of what I was actually trying to say.

Anyway, I really really love to spend my time with my DH. and our Wolf. They never ever hurt my feelings.



*****Why people do not get it which topics are safe area for somebody who has invisible scars? Few days ago I went for a long walk with another friend and my dog. We spent many beautiful hours together. This friend is single, childfree. She is single because she never met the love of her life. And I know she is a bit sad about it (she is two years older then me). Anyway, whenever I am with this friend, I am careful that I do not say something that might hurt her. Why can't other friends do the same for me?

Guilt

Infertility gave me many feelings. So many bad ones. If I had to choose one feeling that hurt me the most, I would choose guilt. Guilt of not being able to give my husband a child.

It took me only few years that I accepted that I was not able to have a child. But it took me almost a decade before I got rid off the guilt.

It seemed so unfair. My husband remained childless only because of loving me. I feared that one day, when he was old & grey, he would regret staying married with me. Obviously I knew that he married me because he loved me. But still.

I tried to have this conversation many times with him, but he refused to hear anything. But then, one day (few years ago) I made him listen what I had to say.

I told him that I loved him more then anything. And that it would break my heart if I knew that one day he regretted the decision to stay with me. Because with this decision he lost opportunity to have children with someone else. And that if he wished to get a divorce, it would break my heart, but I would completely understand it and signed everything.

The moment was so sad, so emotional, so  I do not really remember what he said. I remember just lots of crying & kisses & hugs.

And... we lived happily ever after. Together. Forever.

*****

I still feel good about having that conversation. My guilt dissapeared that day.

Adopting? No, thank you (part II)

Few years ago a young woman wrote a book about foster system in our country. She was put in the foster family aged 4 if I remember correctly. She spent more than a decade in foster family and she had many bad experiences.

The book is beautifully written. I was deeply touched when reading a book. There were so many touching moments in the book. For example - her memories about being 8 or 10 years old and begging social workers to put her in adoption. How she wished to be loved.

I told my husband many times, if I met a little girl (even if 10 years old) that was so sweet, I would love to adopt.  

Years passed by and I forgot about that book and the author.

And then - I saw her again two days ago, on national news. She is accused of a criminal act (cheating many parents - she took the money as deposit for daycare that she had no intention to really open). 

***
My conclusion. Blood is not water (proverb in my country). Adopting just carries too many risks that I am not willing to take. Neither is my DH.

I was disappointed in this author. I watched some interviews and I was really impressed with her - the energy that she had. She was so kind and confident. I guess she is just really good in manipulating.

But can you imagine, how disappointed I would be, if my adopted child turned out to be like that?

How old are your children?

I was left without my usual lunch buddies today, so I went to self service  restaurant alone. There I met two colleagues so I joined them. We have been working for the same company together for five years, but we do not know each other well since they work in another department.

Anyway, we were chatting a bit. They are both my age. Both married. Both have two children. When the kid topic began I just ate lunch quietly and wished I had my usual lunch buddies (from my department) with me.

And suddenly one of them asked me: "And how old are your children?"

I was in total shock.

So far I learnt to deal with a question "Do you have children?". It is simple. In most cases I just say "No." Simple as that. And do not comment any further.

But on today's question it was not possible to answer only with "No.".

Tattoos

Some days ago I was chatting to a woman I know through work. She is around 30 and planning to have a baby in the near future.

I was commenting her tattoo. Not that I would ever have a tattoo myself. But I liked hers.

She said that she would have further two tattoos in the following years: two tattoos with a name for each child she is planning to have. I joked and said that she has to have then a tattoo with the name of her husband as well. 

She responded that with men you never know, how long it was going to last so she would never have a tattoo with husband's name. And when you have a child, you have him for good.

I couldn't keep quiet and I disagreed. I commented that you have a child for 20 years or so. But then there is no guarantee that you really have him / her still in your life. 

***
My mother - for example - she really has my dad. He has been with her every day for the last 42 years. But - does she really have me? I love her (well, both of them). But for me, it is quite enough if I see them once a month. So - does my mother really have me?

***
Since not having children I really focused all my love towards my husband. I really really feel he is the love of my life. And yes - if I had a tattoo - I would love to put his name somewhere on me. To be always close to me. For good.

Drugs? No, thank you!

I am learning all the time. Last time that I went to my gynecologist, I really felt bad, while waiting with all pregnant ladies. So for today's appointment (Pap cervical smear) I wanted to be the first patient, early in the morning. It was lovely to come to completely empty waiting room :)

We talked a bit. So I explained about my ten (!) IVFs. And how demanding the last cycle, using donor egg, was. And that we gave up and are just trying to enjoy our childfree life, as it is. My conclusion was that despite all efforts, medicine can not help always. And my gynecologist agreed.

She noticed the remark on my chart that I have regular periods, every 24 days. Lots of doctor knew that, but nobody paid any attention to it so far. My gynecologist said that we could put my periods in order. And I just asked, if she meant taking some drugs. Obviously that was the intention.

I just started to laugh and explained that I have taken enough drugs till the end of my life.

So...  my period & I will live happily ever after, every 24 days. Till it disappears... for good.

***
I feel good. Having a power to say No, thank you, to drugs.

19.213 kids

Yesterday was a tough day. It was the first day of a new school year. So the only topic everywhere, including all media, was school children.

There are 19.213 kids in the first grade in my country (total population: 2 million). If everything went well with my 1st IVF, our child would be born in 2006. Which means I would be a mother to a first grader this year. But I am not. I will never be. So school related topics are hard for me.

***
(since I have blocked tubes, our only possibility was IVF, but it did not work out. Our first dream was to get pregnant on our honey moon. It would be lovely to bring a baby back from New York / Niagara falls / Jasper National Park / Vancouver / San Francisco / Washington.  If that dream came true, our child would be already in 3rd grade).


***

Time to stop dreaming & to go to work! 

OUR children

I spent the years from 2009 - 2011 in deciding whether to go for an egg donation or not. At the end I decided that I would love the baby more then anything, even if he/she didn't have my genes.

So - exactly one year ago we drove to Czech Republic, to a clinic for an egg donation. We liked the clinic that we chose.  Everything went smoothly, we were thrilled to get two super good embryos. It is just that my body rejected them... 

I am not sad any more. It is just a part of my infertility journey that I had to walk before I could accept my childfree life for good.

Whenever I thought in the last year about our children, I always thought of the last two embryos. That had my husband's genes & genes of 20-something Czech girl. Not mine.

***
Few days ago me and my DH commented how unfocused, unorganized, without a goal some teenagers are. And that our children would be different since I would be their mother. I just commented that he could never be sure since our children wouldn't have my genes.

 DH said, that he never ever thinks about a child from an egg donation. That for him, when he thinks about our children, he thinks only about the children that would be really ours.

With that sentence my darling husband gave me a dream of our children back. Our children, that will stay for good only in our dreams...

***
It is a rainy, cold Saturday morning. I will go for a long walk through the forest with my beloved Wolf, who is already anxiously waiting for me.  

The art of conversation

Today was a beautiful day. It already started with a nice surprise - Mali included me in her blog:
http://nokiddinginnz.blogspot.com/2012/08/the-art-of-conversation.html 

I had to work really hard today at work, but I did not mind since I felt so good.  It was a comforting thought - I am not alone.  I have soul-mates all around the world that understand me.

I am really happy that I wasn't born before Internet was discovered :)

Aunt

I have 7 aunts & uncles all together and I don't feel connected to them at all.  I wasn't connected even as a child. So -- no bad feelings.

One of my aunts visited my parents couple of days ago. She is Dad's younger sister who lives couple of hours drive away so I haven't seen her for few years.

We spent some hours together: aunt, her husband, her two sons in early 20's, my parents, my brother & his wife & their two daughters and me & my DH.

It was frustrating to see how uninterested my aunt was in me. I tried to have a conversation, but was not successful. She didn't ask me even one question - like where I work now, if I like my work, whatever. But she had millions of questions for my brother & sister-in-law. Of course all related to child-bringing.

I know there are women that are actually able to talk only about babies & children. It is just sad to see that my aunt is also one of them.

***
I have a special programme in cases of people like my aunt. I just don't see them. Ever again. So that they can not hurt me again.

The programme works perfectly fine. It is just that I have every year less people. Which is fine by me.

Infertility has learned me to appreciate the people that I DO have in my life.

School books

1st September - beginning of new school year - is approaching. What I have been hearing lately (it is the same every year) - is lots of moaning, how expensive books & exercise books are.

And all I want to do is scream - shut the f*** up! I would LOVE to pay for all he books & everything for MY kid. If I was only lucky enough to have him/her.

(only short PS: education - from primary school to university - is completely free of charge. So - really nothing to moan about!).

Always look on the bright side of life

It was a holiday in this part of Europe (Assumption) so I went for a long trekking with DH & the Wolf. Photo above was taken by me today. Isn't it lovely? If you look closely, you can see on the left, in the valley, the beautiful lake that I am always talking about.

We made approximately 10 miles long trekking and we had a great time. It is so good to be outside, on the fresh air. With small kids long trekkings wouldn't be possible. So - another advantage of being childfree.

Always look on the bright side of life :)

 

Sunday photos

I had a perfect Sunday.
With my beloved H.
With my beloved Wolf.
Trekking in our only national park (do you see the sign - yes, we have bears!).
Picking up mushrooms.
Picking up blueberries & forest berries.
Eating porcini risotto & drinking red wine.
Eating blueberries & forest berries with vanilla ice cream.
Life is good :)

So many stories to tell...

When I was a little girl I loved one story that my granny used to tell me. A real story.

My granny was the youngest child in the family of 11. When the WW II started she was 6 years old. When Germany took over our country, there was a German soldier that really liked my granny (he saw her once playing in the field). He and his wife couldn't have their children, so he asked my great grandmother and great grandfather if they could give him the little girl. They refused. But the German soldier didn't give up - he visited the family many times, he always brought great toys and sweets from Germany. And he kept asking again and again. Once he brought with him his wife and she also liked my granny a lot. 

The years went by and the German soldier accepted the fact that he would not get the little girl he wanted... so he just visited from time to time, always with gifts.

Isn't it a beautiful & sad story? 

And it makes me sad that I will never have a daughter & granddaughter to pass the story on...

Do it now!

I am back!

Island Brač was beautiful, as always. We were lucky with the weather.  It was sunny, hot and the sea was warm. I did quite of travelling and I can say that nowhere on the whole world air smells so beautiful as on the islands of Dalmatia. It is a mixture of sea & pine trees. Smells like heaven!

The main beach was quite overcrowded, as always, especially with families with small kids & kids & big kids & teenagers. But luckily we discovered (already 7 years ago) a smaller beach not far away that is reserved for nudists. It is great on that beach - it is a not-written rule on this beach that children are not allowed. Heaven for us, childless / childfree couple!  One of the best things that I know is swimming naked in crystal clear sea.

I had lots of time to read books (one of the things that I love to do, but normally I do not have enough time). The books that I read this week:

1. Orhan Pamuk: The Museum of Innocence
2. Salinger: The Catcher in the Rye (I loved this book! But somehow it made me think how lucky am I not having to deal with rebellious 16-year-old :)
3. Mark Haddon: The Curious Incident of a Dog in the Night-time
4. Emma Donoghue: Room
5. the book does not deserve to be mentioned (Goddammit! I would rather puke!)

I enjoyed reading all the 4 books. The fifth one that I started was Elin Hilderbrand: Barefoot. I literally threw the book away when I got to the page number 4.  Here is the quote:

"Melanie and her husband had been trying "forever" to get pregnant; they had, in the past calendar year, endured seven failed rounds of in vitro fertilization."

Goddammit, Elin Hilderbrand - are you stupid or what? No one can have 7 IVF in one calendar year. My maximum were 2. I know some women that had 3 per year, but 3 in a year it is really maximum. A body (not to speak about mind) can not take more then 3 per year.

This book REALLY made me angry. Can literally every damn moron write a book? On the book cover there is an author's photo - fake blond with large teeth and there is written: EH lives on Nantucket with her husband and their three young children. So - here it is the fact - woman with three young children can not know anyhing about infertility. So - she shouldn't be allowed to write nor comment anything about it.

***
Back to the beautiful Dalmatia. We stayed (as always) in a cozy little apartment that has a view on island of Hvar. So island of Hvar was the first thing that we saw when opening our eyes in the morning. We literally saw sea from our bed. Great!

The owners are already a bit older, we have been their regular clients so they are always very nice to us.   We actually see them only when we arrive and then on the night before departure, when we pay. We sat down a bit with them to have some small talk with them. And done suddenly a lady pops out the question: "Do you have a little baby?" (at that moment the rest of us had the other topic: political relationship between Croatia - Slovenia - Europe). So I just quickly answered: "No". And then returned to political topic. But the lady did not give it up. She commented further: "But I thought that you had a little baby." (probably since we did not come for two years in between). And I just answered again: "No" and returned again to safe political topic.  Owner (they are both around 70) is wiser - he knows well which topic are safe to discuss with guests and which not.

Anyway, the question did not make me sad. I just answered twice No and I was done with baby-topic. How simple is that?

How to go.... my beloved Wolf is already ready for a long walk through the forest with me! I missed him so much!

Finally!

I was counting how many times on average per week do I hear one particular phrase that ends the sentence. Example.

A coworker that had just returned from holidays with two small kids was complaining how stressful everything was. And she ended some sentences - quote "but you know how it is with small kids".

All I wanted to scream: No, I do not know!!! And I will never know!!! So please shut the f*** up!!!!

But - as a typical introverted childless woman that does not want to attract any unwanted attention I just waited for a first chance to escape.

So: number of times that I hear this particular sentence: too many!

***

And now to the beautiful part of today's post. I am saying goodbye for some days.... we are going to Adriatic tonight. Can't wait! I am attaching one of our photos from previous years - we love Dalmatia so much!

Highlights of our sea-holidays:
- lying on the beach (in the shadow) all day
- swimming, swimming, swimming
- reading tons of books
- eating fresh fruits
- and more :)



PS: and nobody will ever hear me complaining that my holidays on the sea were stressful!

No other life would I like to have more

I was just reading some new posts on the blogs of my childfree (not by choice) friends. One of my favourite blogs is Mali's blog. And her new post made me think of breastfeeding and that I had already written about it two years ago, as a guest blogger on Pamela's blog:

http://blog.silentsorority.com/2010/05/03/speaking-a-common-language-2.aspx

I wrote it under the name of Lucy. This was the name that we had chosen for our baby girl. But I do not want to use this name. I buried the name, together with our dream.

It was so lovely to read my words from more then two years ago. I remember how unhappy I was when I was writing it. I was crying so much. And - this year I don't remember crying even one single time. So, life does get easier, more beautiful.

I promised the photos.... here they are!

Here are some photos from last week. I spent some days in Italy. I was  in Venice only one afternoon & one evening and totally loved it! Despite all the tourists.

One of my coworkers couldn't go on a business trip (because of her children), so I was the replacement. How cool it is to be childfree and flexible????

I worked hard. But the afternoon and evening that I took only for myself, was just beautiful. I had this feeling - life is so beautiful! I just have to focus on the things that I do have. And not to mourn the things that are just not meant to be. At least not for me.

I ate lots of yummy Italian food. Drank some really tasty capuccinos. Enjoyed life.

Little pink magnet in the back of the drawer

My sister stopped by today with her little daughter (2 years) and a newborn. They brought me a little magnet. Cute pink magnet with a picture of a picture perfect little girl.

I love my sister's daughter, I really do. But I just can not put this magnet on our fridge. A magnet with a picture of OUR baby was meant to be on our fridge. But there isn't any and there never will be.

I didn't have the heart to throw the magnet away (although I love to do this with all the objects that make me sad). So I just hid it in the darkest part of one of the drawers that I seldom use. So I can put it out only when the niece comes for a visit.

Life after infertility (little help for search engines)

My blog is about:

life after infertility
lewe na onvrugbaarheid
jeta pas varfëri
անպտղության
sonsuzluğun sonra həyat
antzutasuna ondoren bizi
жыццё пасля бясплоддзя
ঊষরতা পরে জীবন
живот след безплодие
la vida després de la infertilitat
生活后不孕
生活後不孕
život nakon neplodnosti
život po neplodnosti
liv efter infertilitet
leven na de onvruchtbaarheid
vivo post infertilidad
elu pärast viljatus
buhay pagkatapos ng kawalan ng katabaan
jälkeisestä elämästä hedelmättömyys
kehidupan setelah infertilitas
la vie après l'infertilité
vida tras a infertilidade
ცხოვრების შემდეგ უშვილობას
Leben nach der Unfruchtbarkeit
ζωή μετά από στειρότητα
વંધ્યત્વ પછી જીવન
lavi apre lakòz
बांझपन के बाद जीवन
utáni élet meddőség
líf eftir ófrjósemi
vita dopo l'infertilità
不妊後の生活
ಬಂಜೆತನ ನಂತರ ಜೀವನ
불임증 후 생활
vitam post infecunditate
dzīve pēc neauglību
gyvenimas po nevaisingumo
живот после неплодност
kehidupan selepas ketidaksuburan
ħajja wara infertilità
livet etter ufruktbarhet
życie po niepłodności
vida após a infertilidade
viaţa după infertilitate
жизнь после бесплодия
život po neplodnosti
življenje po neplodnosti
la vida después de la infertilidad
maisha baada ya utasa
livet efter infertilitet 
கருவுறாமை பிறகு வாழ்க்கை
సంతాన ప్రాప్తి లేకుండుట తర్వాత జీవితం
ชีวิตหลังภาวะมีบุตรยาก
infertilite sonra yaşam
життя після безпліддя
cuộc sống sau khi vô sinh
bywyd ar ôl anffrwythlondeb
לעבן נאָך ינפערטיליטי

الحياة بعد العقم

زندگی پس از ناباروری

بانجھ پن کے بعد زندگی

החיים לאחר פוריות

PS:  I didn't write for the whole week because I was on a business trip. I had a great time (although I missed my DH & beloved dog). I spent some days in the most beautiful city in this part of Europe.... I will write more next week (when I upload my photos). Photos tell more than thousands words! Anyway, I am really happy that I have a job where I can travel from time to time