Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Ironic

Before I got my new mobile number few years ago, it belonged to a doctor with a private practice. At the beginning I had many calls looking for medical advice.  Yesterday I got a really long SMS (addressed to this doctor) saying:

"Dear Doctor, do you remember me - I am XY. Six months ago I had an abortion and you advised me to start taking birth control. I did not listen to your advice and last week I had an unprotected (you know what) with my husband and now I fear that I might be pregnant again (I had all the signs). A girlfriend told me to take three birth control pills at once and I did and now I urgently need your advice. What should I do???"

I was in the middle of the office work when I got this SMS. I just couldn't believe my eyes. How stupid some women are! I thought for a second that it would be nice thing of me to reply back that the doctor changed her mobile years ago. But I did not reply anything. I just deleted it. The woman who has killed at least one baby and is planning to do the same with this one, does not deserve an SMS from me.

***
I finished work early. I went for mulled wine to the city centre with a coworker (few years younger, also tried some IVFs, without luck). I told her about this SMS and we just laughed that life just isn't fair. That mother nature gave to this stupid woman this perfect womb and perfect ovaries. And not to us.

Then we ordered another mulled wine. And we both agreed that life is good. Just the way it is. We drank to that.

Sunday, December 29, 2013

Happy New Year




My dear bloggie friends,
I wish you all a happy New Year!!!

When I was younger, I loved to add in my New Year's cards a sentence: "May all your wishes come true." I don't use that sentence any more. I have learned that not all wishes come true. And this is OK as well.

Klara



Saturday, December 28, 2013

Two little girls & a snowman




I had a lovely afternoon yesterday. I took two little girls (my brother's daughter: aged 6 and my cousin's daughter: aged 4) with a train to the capital. Mission: to see the New Year's carnival for children. 

Everything was perfect - a long walk around the city centre (it is beautiful, see the photo above), meal at McDonalds, we had a great viewing point for the carnival. They got lots and lots of candies from the snow bears / bunnies / fairies / snowmen** / and all other creatures that accompany Ded Moroz / Slavic Santa Claus.

It is interesting, how painful were for me the days when they were born (because they were both born in the darkest days of my infertility). And how much happy moments they bring me now.

My cousin thanked me via email for taking her daughter on this trip. And she wrote me that not all the children are lucky to have such a good aunt like me.

And I replied that I do not believe in buying huge expensive gifts to children (=this is what majority of aunts do). But I do believe in doing fun stuff together & building nice memories.


**PS: one snowman asked them if they were good the whole year, before giving them candies. They replied yes. And then he asked me how good they were on the scale from 1 to 10. And I replied 9. And then the snowman gave them candies and then he said: "And one candy for the mommy for telling the truth."  
Being called mommy did not hurt. I am not a mommy and I will never be. It is just the way my life was meant to be. I am OK with that. And I do enjoy being an aunt to those two little girls.

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

No more IVFs for me

Not that long ago my heart would be again full of hope if I read this article:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-25438535

Not any more. No more IVFs for me. I am over 40. I am done with that chapter of my life. It was not meant to be... so it is a relief that it is over.

***
Off  I go, to visit my parents. I am looking forward to Mum's delicious nut roll.

Merry Christmas




 
I wish a merry Christmas to all my friends!
 
(PS: photo was taken on a Christmas day, few years ago...
this year we still don't have any snow)
 

Monday, December 23, 2013

When a story is told, it is not forgotten

“And so I write this for you, My Sarah. With the hope that one day, when you’re old enough, this story that lives with me, will live with you as well. When a story is told, it is not forgotten. It becomes something else, a memory of who we were; the hope of what we can become.”   Tatiana de Rosnay, Sarah's Key

***
I still can not forget the movie. It is one of the movies when you watch it, you never forget.

I wrote my favourite quote in the movie.

By writing this blog, I am telling my story. A story of a woman, dealing with infertility and  finding a happy life after (despite being childless).

Infertility has always been and there will always be. It just is a fact of life.

So perhaps my story will help one day to somebody in the future...

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Elle s'appelait Sarah / Sarah's Key



I have just watched the movie Elle s'appelait Sarah / Sarah's Key. This is one of the most beautiful movies I have ever seen. And also a very sad one.

It is a movie that everybody should have to see it at least once.

More info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1668200/?ref_=rvi_tt
 
 
 
 

 

Two Year Blogaversary & Winter solstice



I had a lovely day yesterday. Being just before holidays, there was great atmosphere at work. Despite loads of work to be done, it was nice to work. And after work I went to the city centre for a mulled wine with 7 coworkers. The majority of them is aged around 30 - 33, we had lots of laughter together.  It was nice.

And being in the city centre of our beautiful capital I remembered that it has been two years since I wrote my first post:  
http://thenext15000days.blogspot.com/2011/12/living-new-happy-life-after.html 
Thank you all of my readers. My healing process and my way to live-happily-after-infertility is much easier also thanks to you.

How the time flies! And being there with coworkers I realized how much happier I am as two years ago. It is true - time heals all wounds. Including the ones caused by infertility.

***
Today is 21st December which means it is winter solstice. I still love the symbolism of it - the dark nights are getting shorter and the bright days are getting longer. Toast to that!





Monday, December 16, 2013

Lisa & Jody

Would you like to know what am I doing at this moment?

I am listening to this conversation & loving it:
http://lifewithoutbaby.com/2013/12/16/cup-tea-jody-day/

Sunday, December 15, 2013

The Frog Prince

The Frog Prince

How do I know that I am on a way to recovery to a Happy Life after Infertility?

We were invited to new neighbours many times, but somehow managed to delay going there (couple is approx 10 years younger as we, they are parents to a 4-year-daughter and 4-months-old son).  At the end it would be impolite do decline invitation any longer, so we went there in late afternoon.

I don't like all the children, but I found their 4-year-daughter adorable. When having a tour of their brand new house, she invited me to her room. And she asked me to read her a fairy tale. I did. She choose The Frog Prince. It was lovely 15 minutes - reading to a little girl.

BTW: It was the first day of my period yesterday. In the past, this combination would be a guarantee for having a heart broken for a millionth time.

I was OK yesterday. I can't say I enjoyed the visit (it is still painful to be around newborns). But -  I was OK.

Lovely 15 minutes with a little 4-year-princess & the frog prince helped.

Saturday, December 14, 2013

My favourite post

If I had to choose my favourite post from the lat 2 years, it would be this one:
http://thenext15000days.blogspot.com/2012/02/master-of-living-in-moment-meet-wolf.html


I still miss him, every day.



But I know he would want me to enjoy my NOW.

So I am off, for a long walk with a friend of mine (my age, single, childless). Sometimes we went for a long walk together - she, the Wolf and me, it was lovely (the Wolf adored her - since she always knew how to talk with him. And yes. Dogs love to receive compliments :)

Mommy

I love my brother. But I guess it is time that I mark him on FB as Hide all future posts from the person "Brother".

His wife baked a beautiful cake and posted it on FB. There were lots of compliments and my brother wrote to her: "Delicious cake, mommy!"

I hate it, when spouses are calling themselves mommy and daddy.

(and hearing it from my brother - is the hardest  - since mommy - at least for me - can be only our Mom).

Friday, December 13, 2013

I want MY Christmas bonus

We found out today that this year will be the first year ever that we are not getting a Christmas bonus.
As a consolation we were told that this year's kids' Christmas presents (that kids of the employees get every year) will be much richer as before.

Can something else make me more pissed off?
The company is using MY Christmas bonus to buy gifts for OTHER children.

***

I am not allowing that this will spoil my first Happy December.
(well, it is not completely happy. I miss my beloved Wolf terribly, today I was dreaming about him).
                               

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Well done, baby

Baby Touch Farm

This is something I say to myself when I manage to do a task that I am not comfortable doing, but it needs to be done. Baby meaning me, 40-year-old childless woman.

I spent all my childhood years living together with my family, my granny and my uncle's family. There were 4 kids under one roof. Lots of fun & laughter. I was the oldest one.

Yesterday my younger cousin (12 years younger) got his first child. I bought a little present and gave it to a cousin today, together with a congratulations card. It was hard, but I managed to to it without having my heart broken.  I hurried, so I managed to do it before his son arrives home. 

So now this is it - I am the only one of us 4 to be left childless. For good.

***
On a way back I saw my ex boy-friend with whom I was during university. I hadn't seen him for the last couple of years, which is good. I do not want to remember that years (long story short: we really did not belong together). I guess if I wanted to have children, my only option would be then, before I damaged my tubes & ovaries in my late 20s.

As much as I regret not having a child, I would never ever want to have a child with anybody but my DH. And I met him only later in life...

As Mitch Albom said - it is what it is.

(and I am not bitter about it - it just is a fact of my life). And I have to accept it if I want to live a happily ever after (after meaning infertility).

A fox, who found a friend

Yesterday I saw a woman in a brand new fox fur coat. It made me sad. How many beautiful animals had to suffer and die because of that heartless woman.

***
Then I remember a beautiful article that I read in Stern (I often read it, to improve my German):
http://www.stern.de/panorama/auf-den-hund-gekommen-der-fuchs-der-einen-freund-suchte-und-fand-2076550.html

Look at the photos, they are beautiful (the story is from Norway, about the friendship between dog & fox).

Monday, December 9, 2013

The five people you meet in Heaven

I am back. I had a great time. 

Each evening and in the metro I was reading this book:


The Five People You Meet in Heaven
I really liked it. 

My favourite character was Marguerite - who - the same as me - could not have children.

...As always with Marguerite and children, his mood is lifted by her easy connection to them and dampened by her inability to have them. One doctor said she was to nervous. Another said she had waited to long, she should have had them by the age 25. In time, they ran out of money for doctors. It was what it was.

When I read the last sentence, I felt an instant connection. It is the same sentence that I use so many time. It is what it is.

The love between Marguerite & her husband is gentle and deep. It is described so beautifully that I wouldn't be surprised if also the writer and his wife could not have children (my penfriend told me that they do not have children).

***
There were some awkward situations on my trip, but I did not let them to destroy my first beautiful December after whole decade.

1. There was a 21-year-Italian-student that was helping. A man that I never met before asked me if she was my daughter (damn, and I always think that I look young. Obviously not.).
2. I was chatting with a colleague from another company. He is typical extroverted person. I am not. So when there was nothing more to chat about he started a new topic. He said: "My two girls are sleeping right now. I got an SMS from my mother."  (BTW: Two girls meaning his wife and newborn daughter). Come on - do I really need to know this? I just said: "Oh, that's lovely" and excused myself. And avoided this person for the rest of the time.


PS: I hope that one of the five that I meet in Heaven will be my beloved Wolf. I miss him terribly.  He really was such a good dog (well, also basterd on many times - but I loved him just the way he was).

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Goodbye for one week






I live in a small country (total population: 2 million). So obviously we do not have any metro, not even in the capital.

I am packing my suitcases, I am off to a big city (metro system of this city is published above) for almost one week (work trip). I will use metro a lot, to move around the city. My favourite stop: Duomo. I have seen the cathedral many times, but whenever I step out of the metro and see it again, it is breathtaking. I have never seen it in December yet, so I guess it will be magical.

I will miss my DH. But I am happy to go. As I have written before: this is the silver lining of infertility: I have a freedom to go abroad for work a lot. 

A dear penfriend of mine from the USA (we met on my blog) recommended a book "The five people you meet in heaven"... it arrived yesterday so it is already packed in my bags, so I will be able to read it in the evenings. I am looking forward to it!

xo,

Klara



PS: more info about the city where I am going to: www.tourism.milan.it

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

December Resolution

There are so many work parties that I can attend.
December Resolution: I will go only to the ones that I feel like.
For others (note to my self): white lies are great solution.

I will set dates in December to do something (visit city center of our capital that looks like fairytale in December & drinking hot tea / glue wine ....) only with few of the dearest friends (2 or max 3).
For all others (note to my self): white lies are great solution.

This is the first December after infertility dark age that I intend to enjoy fully.

Looking forward!

Saturday, November 30, 2013

Reading & Travelling & Memories

I was away for five days, on a business trip with a coworker. We worked hard. But we also took time to enjoy. We had some delicious dinners. Drank lots of tasty capuccinos.  And in the evening I was reading a book written by a couple from my country who travelled around the world for 7 years. I really liked the book, all 370 pages. The end of the book hurt me a bit - she found out in Africa (aged 40) that she was pregnant, so they stopped travelling and returned home. They are parents to a beautiful baby boy now. 
(I wish them all the best. I just wish that one of our travellings would end the same way. We took quite some travelling in the years of 10 failed IVFs - all with the same purpose: to heal my wounded soul. The travelling really helped. It showed me that the world is huge and beautiful and worth living for... even if our lives did not turned out the way we hoped for.)
 
My way of travelling would be to travel one month per year. After one month of travelling we both miss our home sweet home...  Since for the next 9 months there will be no travelling for us, I wanted to share some photos from the past with you.  We did not actually like Peru that much (we did not feel safe all the time), but it definetely has some highlights that are worth seeing.
 
 
 
Machu Picchu:
 
 
Coca tea:
 
 
Cuzco:
 
 
Uros Islands, Lake Titikaka:
 
 
 
 
Island Taquile, Lake Titikaka:
 
 
Our favourite food in Peru:
 
 
Arequipa, Santa Catalina Convent: 
 
 
Our way of travelling:

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Decision

My DH & I were long in a dilemma whether to build our future house with bricks or decide for a prefabricated house.

We visited a specialized fair and there was a company that builds houses in a traditional way - with bricks. And this company has a slogan: Why build a home for only one generation?  We looked at each other and I said: "We do not need a home for more then one generation". DH agreed and a decision was made.

We spend a lot of time searching about different options of prefabricated houses.

We are saving as much money as we can for our home.

We are both looking forward to it a lot (it will take some years, but still...).

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Books

I took a day off yesterday, to visit the largest book exhibition in our capital. It was lovely, so many books!  I love to read books, but I do not often buy them (usually I borrow them in the library or from my best friend).

I bought a great book about growing vegetables for me. Some children books for my nieces. Some books for learning German for my DH and his nephew (the nephew and me learn German once a month together). A book for learning Italian for me. 

I had a lovely day.

After the exhibition I went for a long walk around the city centre, Ljubljana really is a beautiful city.
(some info: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ljubljana )

During the walk I saw three sets of twins. Yes, IVF does do wonders for some people. Not for me. (I did not let this thought to spoil my perfect day).

Sunday, November 17, 2013

My beautiful Wolf



I am attaching my favourite photo of my beloved Wolf. It was taken in spring last year. We went - as usually on Saturdays - on a long walk, just the two of us. And then in the middle of the walk, we took a break. I was reading a newspaper. And he had plenty of work to do - he had to guard me :)   Whenever I see this photo, my heart melts. He was so mine.

I am learning to live my life without him. I am doing quite OK, but I still miss him terribly.  And a question - Will you get another dog soon? - hurts.  No, I don't want another dog. The only dog I want is the Wolf.

Things that I did this weekend:
  • I went to swimming pool & sauna world on Friday after work. It was nice.
  • My cousin visited me on Saturday morning with her two kids (18 months and 4 years). It is great that she stopped breastfeeding so her visits do not bring any pain, only complete happiness. The little one discovered that Auntie Klara is the best thrower of kids into the air - so we enjoyed each other company a lot. The older one just wanted to watch cartoons on youtube.
  • I went to the movies to watch this movie: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FER3C394aI8   with DH yesterday. We liked it, but as a friend of mine said - you need a drink after it.
  • I went for a long walk today with DH through the forrest.  We talked about the best ever moments with the Wolf. There were so many of them. Memories did not make us sad. They made us happy that we had him for six years and a half. We just wish we could be together longer.

Sweet eternal dreams, my beloved Wolf. I will always miss you.
OX



Thursday, November 14, 2013

Good people



Beautiful video.
Many different people doing many different acts of kindness.
Taken by cameras on Russian cars.

Feeling empty

I meet up with colleague from university & ex-coworker 4 times a year. It is our tradition - we always go for a coffee and cakes. Usually we have great time together - talking about life, work, politics, world, everything.

But yesterday she was totally focused on her two daughters (aged 7 and 13).  I felt so empty after our date. And angry at myself. It is hard to listen for three hours about somebody else children.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Where did the time go?

My DH & I recently celebrated the 10th anniversary of our wedding. Which means that I stopped taking birth control (how ironic!) 10 years ago.

I didn't have lunch today at work, I went for a short walk instead. It was a warm autumn day, so there were lots of mothers with babies in strollers outside.

After many years I really looked at those young mothers. And I realized that most of them were more then a decade younger then me. Some of them looked so young that they could be my daughters.

The decade went by so quickly. But in a way, I am glad.  The darkest years of my infertility are behind me, for good. This is good.

Reading

I am currectly reading a biography of this writer:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boris_Pahor

He celebrated his 100th birthday not long ago.

He survived so many difficult years, I admire him for his courage.

I haven't actually read anything from him yet, the next book I will read will be this one:
Necropolis

(it is translated also in English).



Sunday, November 10, 2013

The Book Thief

The Book Thief


I have the perfect best friend.
She loves to buy & read books in English.
Since having two small kids she just keeps buying books, in order to read them later when she has more available time.

I saw this trailer this week and loved it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=92EBSmxinus 

So I asked my BF if perhaps she has the book and of course the answer was yes.

I am looking forward to start reading it today in the afternoon.  

Saturday, November 9, 2013

Empty nest syndrome never ever my syndrom?

I wrote this post almost two years ago:

http://thenext15000days.blogspot.com/2012/01/empty-nest-syndrome-never-ever-my.html

I was so wrong. Now that our beloved Wolf is gone, I do have an empty nest syndrome.
I have too much available spare time and I do not know what to do with it.
The wounds are still too fresh, I haven't been able to put my life together.
I spent  343 Saturdays in a row with my darling Wolf.
What should I now do on Saturdays?

I went swimming to a swimming pool today in the afternoon. I haven't done that for the last 6 years and a half. It was good. I will go again next Saturday.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Travelling

Photo: Yosemite


Grieving the death of my beloved Wolf is for me equally hard as grieving the death of our embrioes (of our children who did not have in their destiny to be born).

What was the best therapy for getting a happy life back, after failed IVFs? Travelling. And beloved Wolf.

What will be the best therapy for us now? Travelling. *

Can't wait for September 2014, for few weeks of travelling around the USA.  Can't wait to meet our friends again. Can't wait to visit Lake Tahoe for the first time. Can't wait to visit Yosemite national park for the first time. Can't wait to walk the other half of the Golden Gate. And if I get full 4 weeks off work - can't wait to see New York again. Can't wait to own Amtrak railpass again.


* PS: we will have a new puppy in our life again. Hopefully in spring 2015. I would just love to have one great holiday without having to worry about anybody. Lots of people advised to get a new puppy immediately. But we both feel that beloved Wolf deserves not to be replaced immediately.

Friday, November 1, 2013

1st of November

 
 



 
 
 
Our day in pictures:
  • we visited our beloved Wolf's grave and brought him fresh flowers (Wolf and me planted those flowers together in early summer, for completely different purpose).
  • DH & me made a 13-kilometer-walk around our most beautiful alpine lake, for the first time alone, without the Wolf. It was lonely without him.


Graz






I went to Austria with my DH, to visit one of his clients yesterday. He always takes me with him, to help him translate to German (I like German language a lot as well).

Afterwards we went for a sighseeing for two hours in Graz (I am attaching some photos). It is a beautiful city. More info:
http://www.graztourismus.at/cms/ziel/2865539/EN




Thursday, October 31, 2013

Seriously? Really?

Luckily I had a busy day in the office yesterday, I was working for 12 hours. It was good. It kept my mind off my beloved Wolf.

We are encouraged to use Skype with our business partners. And I use it also for chatting in private purposes sometimes.

I was online with a coworker from another department who lost a brother few years ago because of a cancer. I wished her quiet and not too painful holidays: 1st November is all Saints Day, it is a holiday in our country. Most of people visit the graves of their relatives.

My coworker wrote me how she misses her brother. And that she explains to all her friends / coworkers / people she knows that they should get along better with their siblings.

I wrote back that I appreciate my brother more since I know that she lost hers.
And I added that sometimes I remind my close friends that they should appreciate their children more.

And guess what was her reply back? I am quoting:
"Klara, I really hope you will change your mind regarding the adoption. You would be so much happier if you adopted."

****
Seriously? Really? 

If I were mean, I would write back that she can borrow my brother from time to time. Let's say once every two weeks (this is how often I see my brother). So she would have a brother too.

Nobody can replace her brother. I know that.
And nobody can replace our children that were not meant to be born. How can she not accept that? 

***
And yes. I am and was extremly sad for the last few days. But it is because I lost my second best friend. Not because I am childless.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Sweet eternal dreams, my beloved Wolf





Today early in the morning I kissed my beloved Wolf and said goodbye.
Then my DH (=his master) took him to the vet for an euthanasia.  

My heart is broken.
My only consolation it that our beloved Wolf is not in pain any more.
I miss him terribly.


PS: the photo was taken few years ago, when he was perfectly healthy.




Sunday, October 27, 2013

IVF: 'Where's all that grief going?'

There may be five million IVF success stories, but for many millions more women, the treatments have failed. So why do we never hear from them?

***

I loved this article from the Guardian:
http://www.theguardian.com/society/2013/sep/27/ivf-where-all-grief-going



Especially this part is really interesting:

"It's always this superhero patient who wins the jackpot. But if we look at the data from Europe, 77% of treatments fail. The Centre for Disease Control has it at 70% failure. But you never hear from the people who failed, which makes you think there's something wrong with you. The reality is that the science is fragile. It is amazing that five million babies have been born because of IVF but there must be at least 10-to-15 million couples whose treatments have failed."


For some years I really felt that I am such a looser. That IVF works out for everybody else except me. But me and my DH are only one couple in the crowd of 10-to-15 million couples whose treatments have failed. It seems selfish, I know. But it is comforting that we are not alone...

Hugs!


Stars

Good friends are like stars.
You don't always see them but
you always know they are there.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Priceless & heartbreaking

Coming home and seeing the beloved Wolf's explosion of joy & happiness when he sees me: priceless.

Seeing how our beloved Wolf is dying slowly, day by day: heartbreaking.

If I had a gold fish that my one wish would come true?
Having a child? No.
Getting beloved Wolf's health back? Yes.

***

How I miss our long walks together! Now I go jogging almost every day, in the evening, for at least 15 minutes, alone. It is lonely without the Wolf.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Home sweet home



Is there anything better as coming home to my husband and watching a great American movie together?


Wednesday, October 16, 2013

No other life would I like to have more


Thank you Annie for commenting the post that I wrote more then three years ago.

My favourite part is this one:
And I really hope that one day (when I am old and grey) I will be able to say: this is not the life that I planned, but no other life would I like to have more.

This thought is always there in my mind- and after the darkest days of my infertility I can really say that I think that I might feel like this when I am old and grey.

***

I am saying goodbye untill Sunday, I am going on a business trip, aprox 6 hours of driving away. Hint: if you ask our friend Mali  - the best dishes on her European trip she had there. I am so looking forward to some delicious dinners!

Yes. This is definetely one of the advantages of being childless. I can afford to travel a lot for work.

The sun is shining. Life is good.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Memories

I used to spend all Friday evenings and 5 weekends per year with a group of girlfriends. We were together from aprox. 18th birthday to aprox. 34th birthday. 15 full years! We spent so many great moments together. So many adventures.

But - my infertility was too much for our friendship to handle. A bit of it is described:
http://old.silentsorority.com/2010/05/03/speaking-a-common-language-2.aspx 
(I wrote the guest post under the name Lucy... Lucy was the name that was always chosen for our baby girl (that lived only in our dreams).

Today I remembered one event from our friendship (it was after their first 5 children (of the total 8) had already been born). Two of friends suggested that it became to complicated to buy birthday gifts for all of us and all the children. Because that meant 10 birthday presents per year. So they (=the two dominant friends) decided that from that moment on we should buy only gifts for the children. The third friend agreed with them.

Another friend (my BFF then and now) and me disagreed, but it was already decided since the votes were 3:2.

Looking back I still can not believe, how selfish the other friends were. Did they not think about what this decision meant? Or they knew and they just didn't care?

They expected that I buy 5 gifts for their children every year (or 8 in the next two years to follow). And not to get any gift ever again?

Don't get me wrong... I am not not a materialist. Our birthday gifts were always small and cute (for example, 4 of us would gather money to buy a beautiful skarf. Or a book.) I always enjoyed discussions what gift would make someone else happy. And I loved getting a birthday present.

So, after no-birthday-presents-for-the-adults policy I was deeply touched when my BFF gave me a small birhdays present without the others to know.

Infertility tought me that is much better to have one or two good friends. As a large group of fake ones.

Sunday, October 13, 2013

My beloved Wolf



It was a beautiful warm sunny autumn Sunday today. One year ago DH, me and our beloved Wolf would probably be whole day outside, on a walk that would be from 15 to 20 kilometers long.

Today we managed to walk only 2 kilometers and it made the Wolf really tired. Then we rested and read newspapaers & magazines together.

Wolf's illness made me realize, how everything in life passes by. And that we have to enjoy each moment as it is, too the fullest. 

My beloved Wolf - I hope you will stay with us for many years. I can not imagine my life without you.



Saturday, October 12, 2013

Desiderata


Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, "Desiderata".


Thursday, October 10, 2013

Do you know Nutella? Have you read this article?

Reminder for me. Do not start dieting on the day:

1.  When new big jar of my beloved Nutella is opened:
prodotti
2. When it starts raining cats and dogs and continues for the next week

3. On the first day of the period


***

Great article for good night:

http://womensenews.org/story/reproductive-health/131008/grief-born-when-fertility-drugs-dont-deliver#.Ulb6TWy2gpE

Monday, October 7, 2013

Fit route 65

I woke up this morning and decided that I do not feel comfortable in my skin. Before all 10 IVFs I used to have 65 kilos.  Now I have few more. Not a lot more, but just enough to not feel perfectly fine.

I decided that I need a new project in my life, so I created a new blog for getting fit:
http://fitroute65.blogspot.com/

My plan is simple. Eat a bit less. Excersise a bit more.

(it will be a boring blog. It is actually not meantt to be read by anybody but me.  I need something to track things down).


PS: I feel great after 15 minutes of light jogging.



Saturday, October 5, 2013

The eternal son

The Eternal Son


I 've just read the first 70 pages of this book. It is about a man whose baby son was born with Down syndrom. I love the brutally honest style of the author's writing.

Friday, October 4, 2013

Emotions in my heart

I just came back from a four day work trip to Italy. I went with my coworker, to visit some key clients.

It was lovely. We both love Italy & Italian cuisine so much.We had three delicious dinners together. 

The only hard part was talking for 4 days to a coworker (my age, mother of two).  I don't necessarily need to know all details of her kids. And she spent lots of time talking about all the fun things her family does during the weekend with their friends* who have kids.

*Just a remark: those aren't her real friends. They are just parents of children that go to school together with her children. She and her husband used to spend lots of time with parents they met in kindergarten, but since the kids don't go to the same school... they changed ALL friends in one year.
Real friendship? Well, not according to my opinion.


A childless coworker recommended me to read one of the books that was written by the best psychologist in our country 4 decades ago. I was reading it, few pages, every evening. I really loved it.

One part that I really loved was that there are always good things and bad things that are happening in life. But, it is up to us to decide, what kind of emotions we will let live in our heart.

I decided to have room only for positive emotions. So I didn't let my coworker to spoil perfect days in Italy.

Another proof that I definitely am on a road to recovery. We visited yesterday a key client that became a friend through working so many years together. She had given birth few weeks ago to  Riccardo. I envied my coworker how easy was for her to chat with Riccardo's mother. I didn't really want to go there, but we were invited so it would be unpolite not to go.

I dealt with my emotions and decided that it is just fact of life. Some women have children. Some don't. And I did not let bad emotions enter my heart.
(BTW: Riccarrdo is just a perfect little baby, in a way I am glad to have seen him).

Wishing you all a beautiful weekend.

Monday, September 30, 2013

Daydreaming

Anne Geddes Heartfelt 2014 Wall Calendar


There was a daydream that I had for many years and that I loved so much.

I was so sure that IVF will work for us, it was just matter trying again and again, untill one of them worked out.  And I was always sure that I would give birth to twins.

Before I tell the daydream I have to explain that I was always known for enjoying in surprising my parents. For example:
  • when 16 telling them that I found summer job in Ireland and that I will not even ask them for permission to go
  • on a Friday evening visiting my parents and ask them what will they do next Saturday. Their answer: nothing special. So I said: "Good. Then you are invited to our wedding".
  • list could be much longer

So the daydream from the past.  I planned of telling my parents that I was pregnant at 12th week. But, it would be our secret that we are expecting twins. So in my daydream I was imagining how suprised my parents would be when they would found out that they got two grandchildren at once.

I know. Very very stupid.

It is cold and rainy autumn evening, I just returned from a walk. This daydream isn't something I think about, I almost forgot about it. Walking in the rain alone just brought memories back...

(btw: I used to love Anne Geddes photos.Now I hate them).

Saturday, September 28, 2013

Nobody cares about the aunts

Most of the days I am feeling OK in my childless skin. But then I hear some stupid comment and I get really angry & hurt. I know - there is still a long way to be healed completely.

This is a conversation that I had few days ago with my brother (beloved baby brother, now a father of two daughters).

He explained me a conversation that he had with our cousin (the one that was visiting us two weeks ago). 

The cousin is really spoiling her two nephews. She bought something that meant a lot to her 10-year-old nephew and the nephew thanked her. She said to him (jokingly) that she was spoiling him because she expects from him not to forget about her when she will be old & grey.

I know my cousin. I know that she does not count on her nephews to take care of her (BTW: she is only 34, so her old age is really far away).

This conversation was overheard by boy's mother (=her sister-in-law) and she replied to my cousin (in a very superior mode): "Do you really think that my son will want to have anything with his old aunt? Nobody cares about the aunts!"


***

My brother told the story and then stopped talking. I didn't really get it, what was his opinion on that. So I asked him, what was his comment.

I hoped the reply would be that cousin's sister-in-law was really rude.

My brother comment was - a quote - "our cousin is really stupid if she thinks that the nephew would take care of her".

***

So yes, my brother's comment really made be angry. I did not want to go into any discussion. So I just replied that our cousin will be very rich when she is old (=based on her well paid profession), even if she does not marry. And that she will pay, if she needs any help. 


***
So superior, my brother as well. Does he really think that his two daughters will take such a good care of him when he is old?

Monday, September 23, 2013

Zum reisen: topfit

I just returned from a business trip. It was not nice - I had to drive alone - 600 kilometers - and I was obviously not healthy enough to go, I had a fever and horrible headaches for two days. It was lonely to be ill so far away. Luckily the high temperature went away on Sunday, so it was an easy drive back home today.

On the way back I have over passed a German camper (owned by an older couple). It had exactly the same words on it:



It made me laugh so much!

I hope I will have the same sense of humour when I am old. And the same love for travelling.

Translation for non-German speaking readers:

For working: too old
for dying: too young
for travelling: top fit


Cool, isn't it?





Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Having a cold










I didn't feel good in the morning - I had a headache & a sore throat.  So I just took a day off work.

Vimrod: today has been cancelled. go back to bed...


It was cosy - being able to spend ALL day in the bed, reading a good book. Sleeping in the afternoon. Drinking lots of hot tea.




It was lovely, not having to worry about anybody but me.


I feel much better now.






Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Yet???

While cooking a coffee in the kitchenette, I talked to a coworker (mother of two toddlers).  I asked her where she parks her car now. She said that she was thinking about it for a while, and then decided for a monthly rent of the garage near our offices.

I already explained to her before that I am not willing to spend 10 % of my monthly pay for a garage.

So she asked me, where do I park the car now. And I said that I always park on a large parking free of charge that is 15 minutes of walking from the office.

A coworker commented that this was really a lot of walking. I tried to make a little joke, so I responded: "I don't mind walking. Since I don't have any children yet, I am not in a hurry to pick them up at the kindergarten, so I have time to walk."

***
We prepared the coffee and went each into the office.

But I still don't know, where did this YET came from.

At my heart and mind I already made peace with the decision to accept childless life. But obviously my subconscious isn't there yet...


Another good book

The Elegance of the Hedgehog


I read that book not that long ago... I really liked it!

Goodreads

I have just discovered this website:

http://www.goodreads.com


So many good books to read.
So little time!


***

Bye for now, I will go back to the book I am currently reading:

Gone Girl



Monday, September 16, 2013

Lake Titicaca




Yes, Itchy Feet Syndrome can bring you places really far away :) 














Sunday, September 15, 2013

I love travelling



Each of us finds different way of coping with grief & loss. My way was always: travelling!  Buying two flight tickets online, packing backpack, buying a guide and then ... holidays!

After every two failed IVFs we went travelling, to heal my broken heart. So if anybody asked me - are there any advantages of having 10 failed IVFs the answer would be: Yes. We did see lot of the World :)

I am attaching a photo, taken by me (or by DH) three years ago.  It definitely is a breath taking place.


***

I guess we will not be able to go any place for a while (because of taking care for a sick dog & saving money for our house).  But my feet start to itch. They would love to go somewhere, far away, at least for few weeks...

Saturday, September 14, 2013

My cousin

I spent the whole day with my cousin. I really like her, it is just that I haven't seen her for some years (she lives approx. 7 hours of driving away). 

She is 34, very successful in her job and single.  While eating the best cake in our capital she talked to me how horrible is the pressure of the whole family - asking her literally every week if she already found anybody. How she hates advices that the time is running out and why is she so picky. 

I really hope that she finds the love of her life one day. She is a wonderful girl.

(but if she doesn't - I really think it is better to be single as in a bad relationship. I know that. I did live in a bad relationship almost 15 years ago, for many years. To put it mildly - it was not nice.)  

Atonement

Atonement (2007) Poster


I watched this movie couple of days ago with my DH. A beautiful movie.

How lucky are the people who find the love of their life! I consider myself as one of them.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Selling the Fantasy of Fertility

I just read a wonderful article in the New York Times:
http://www.nytimes.com/2013/09/12/opinion/selling-the-fantasy-of-fertility.html?_r=1&

Wonderfully written, congratulations to both authors!

***
I just wish I could have read it few years ago. If I had read it in the darkest years of my infertility, perhaps I wouldn't have done 10 IVFs.

I do not want to think about the damage that infertily drugs did to my body. I can just hope for the best.

Love and light,

Klara




Wednesday, September 11, 2013

the truth about ivf, childfree

I love checking google statistics - how new visitors find me.

Today somebody googled:
the truth about ivf, childfree

and found my blog.

How cool is that?!

***

The truth is that not all infertility journeys include the marketing brochure happy ending.


And - the truth is, that (at least today)  I do not care. I had a good day at work, then I spent some lovely time with my beloved Wolf and now I returned from a short jogging in the rain. Life is good.