Good bye for a while

I don't have any time for writing and I have an excellent excuse: I am packing for another trip, this time I am taking the plane.

I am meeting a dear friend that I met through my blog. Can't wait to meet her again!

Will be back in 10 days with lots of lovely photos :)

The best things in life ...

One of the best silver linings of my infertility is connecting with kind souls all around the world. I met this week already my 4th bloggie friend! And she is all the way from Australia.

It was awesome - we spent one day in our capital: 

And few days later I drove to Italy, to meet them in this city:

My friend was travelling with her mom and siblings. It was touching to see how kindly the children (who are around my age) are looking after their mother. My new friend and me didn't have a lot of time where we could talk alone - but we did agree that we have to travel now since there won't be anybody to travel with us when we are old.

Bad karma?

There is a really nice couple our age that I met through husband's work. I want to make a long story short, so I will tell you only that they did something really kind for us (that not many people would do).  I am sure we could become friends if they didn't get their first child very soon after we met.

You know how it goes. I was very happy for them - they were almost 40 and got a beautiful healthy baby boy (and sad for us at the same time). We sent a card with a small gift to congratulate for the baby.  But I never saw a child. Once they visited us (they live in neighbouring country, 6 hours driving for us) - but there was only my husband to host them, I was on one of the business trips (and to be frank, I was glad I could avoid meeting them with a baby). When visiting, they told my husband that they are expecting the second child.

We never got the birth announcement for the second child, but since we weren't in contact any more, I didn't think it was strange.

Then, almost two years later we needed some advice regarding building the house so I wrote to him. I started an email by how are they doing and if I may ask - did the first boy got a little brother or a sister?

I got back immediately a reply: "yes, our son got a little brother.  But he was born with (name of disease) so he never even got the chance to leave the hospital. He died in our hands when he was two months old."

When I read the email, I started to cry. I just couldn't stop. I was so sorry for the little baby boy who didn't even have the chance to live. I was sorry for his parents. I was sorry for their first son who will never have a sibling. And I was sorry for us two - infertility took from us possibility to  make & keep new friendships.

Later that day I met a friend very close to me and I told her the story.

She (mother of two) said: Yes, it is sad. But I guess they just have bad karma and they had to pay.

I was furious, what bad karma??

She explained that she truly believes that in their previous lives they had to do something bad and had to pay in this life.

I remained speechless.  I don't believe in nonsense like that.

My friend had cried with me and for me - during the horrible years of all the failed IVFs.

Later that day I realized that she probably thinks that my infertility is punishment for something I did in my previous life.  Just plain silly. I did not have a previous life. And I did nothing bad in this life. 

Up and Down

I loved Infertile Phoenix's latest post: https://infertilephoenix.blogspot.si/2017/08/up-and-down.html
so I borrowed her title. Up and Down.... this is (at least) for me exactly how life after infertility looks like.

I survived another 1st of September, first day of school in my country. All the talks everywhere were about it.

When I was a kid I was always looking forward to the 1st of September. I liked the rituals like buying new books and notebooks, wrapping them, putting stickers with my name on. I loved glancing through the books, curious of all the things I would learn.

1st of September is now only a hurtful reminder what I will never be able to experience with my children.

It is cloudy cold and a bit rainy day. I never work on Saturdays, so I took my bike and did some errands. Nowadays almost everybody uses cars to go anywhere, even if it is only short distance away. I always cycle (and walk in winter). It takes longer, but it is good for my body and for my soul.

I went to the library and took one book for me and lots of books for my mom's cousin who has terminal cancer. She has always been one of my mom's closest friends. And her mom (my mom's aunt) was my favourite aunt of all. The kind of aunt you cycle when you are 12 for a cup of tea and cookies and for a chat (when everybody else in your world is too busy to take time for you).

My mom's cousin asked me two years ago if I could bring her some books from the library from time to time. I started bringing her books and she loves reading them. They mean a world to her. With books, she can travel anywhere she wants to go.

My annual membership to the library recently expired and as a gift she gave my mom money to pay for my membership. I really appreciated her kind gesture. 

It makes me think - who will be there for me, when I will need books when old or ill? 

I've decided not to worry about it. There will be a way for me to get the books. After all, also my mom's cousin couldn't know 25 years ago, who will be the person to help her with the books.

When cycling back home I felt good. It is a nice feeling, being able to help somebody.

On a way home a car passed by and stopped. It was a friend from my youth. Not a close one, but we did spend few beautiful summers together, walking in the mountains, there were lots of us. 

She was very happy to see me. I was actually glad too, to see her after 15 years. But it was ackward - she in the car with two little girls. Me alone on the bike. I knew it was coming, the question: "So, how are your kids? How old are they now?"
I replied that I don't have kids.
She was surprised - like - it was the first time ever that she heard of an adult woman without children. She said: "I don't know why I thought you have kids?"

I was tempted to answer - Because everybody has them. Well, everybody but me.

Being different is hard.

Living after infertility is not for sissies.