I am a 40-something European woman doing what I once thought wasn't possible: finding happiness after infertility. While it's been a long, difficult and emotional journey (10 unsuccessful IVF treatments), each day I take another step down the path toward a fulfilling new life. This is my story of reinvention.
I will be happy to hear from you: klara.soncek (@ ) gmail.com
I spent most of October in Italy, for work. There are many highlights whenever I go to Italy, the biggest one: their delicious food. On the photo: panna cotta con frutti di bosco / cooked sweet cream with forest berries.
There are also disadvantages: when you have to travel in cold, windy and rainy days. I got home with a terrible cold that caused stomach / lungs problems, so I am staying at home this week. I have also a terrible headache. How I wish I was healthy!
I love Spanish language. I don't speak it, but I understand a lot of it. The words that a Spanish, who just had her - I assume - first child (do I have to mention she is 62!) - Es un sueño muy grande - It is a big dream - irritated me. And it made me angry, that she is there, in front of cameras, denying that she used any infertility treatments.
Why I don't like stories like that is that they create false impression that there isn't any age limit for a woman to have a child. I am 43 and I really hope that I will never ever have to hear again that I still have time. Since I don't, at least not for having a child.
I don't always go for a lunch at work with the same people. Sometimes I join the group of 4 colleagues, who are all almost 40, all mothers of two kids. They are nice, but since there is basically only work that we all have in common, sometimes we have to struggle to find a topic for chatting. A while ago I was joining some other coworkers and those 4 colleagues were sitting together. I realized how much more vivid their conversation is, when I am not there. Since they share one thing in common: they are all mothers of young children and they were sharing fun stories over bedtime with kids.
I am glad that they didn't have this conversation when I was with them. But yet, it hurt to see that I might be seen as an disturbing element.
Twelve years ago 4 girlfriends gave me this painting of Madonna with baby Jesus:
It was wrapped in a newspaper (so I could know exactly when it was given to me) and put in a big colourful bag that you get in a shop for newborns. I got the instructions that the picture should be put under my bed, to make my dreams come to true.
I forgot that I own this painting most of the time. When I did some cleaning in the summer, I found it and I just knew I can't have it any more. I can't be remembered till the end of my life of the unfulfilled dreams over and over again (there are enough triggers without this painting already). But, what do you do with a painting like this? You can't throw it to the trash.
I cleaned the painting, wrapped it and gave it as a gift to my granny and her sister (they live together). They loved it.
It hurts so much - she is 43 (=my age) and pregnant! Not to mention that she doesn't know who the child's father is. Obviously I am never going to watch this movie (I loved the first one though).
I had a business lunch with my bosses and coworkers in a pretty restaurant last week when I met my best friend from university. I haven't met her for ten years. She is a nice person, but I remember that after she had two babies in 2 years, that I wrote her an email saying that I am very happy for her, but that it is too difficult for me to be around, so I can't be around her for a while.
She remembered this email differently. She told me last week that it hurt her deeply when I wrote her that I never ever wanted to see her again. So she respected my wishes and never contacted me again.
I felt ashamed. It is quite probable that I did write this. I was so messed up then. It made me think whom all did I loose in those years and always blamed them, not me.
But you see, I sent the same / or similair email also to my best friend. She respected that I needed some time to be alone, but yet she never forgot me like all the others. She kept sending me emails like "Dear Klara, I know you can't be with me now, but I just wanted to let you know that I miss you terribly...." I will never forget her kindness in the darkest times of my infertility.
The most people that I lost, just took the easy way out. It is not fun to be around depressed friend. So it is just the easiest solution that they understood my request very literally and just forgot about me.