Saturday, July 27, 2019

I am back

There have been so many thoughts in my mind lately but none of them was connected with childlessness.

The cancer operation left a bad scar on my face. I accepted it quite well. Whenever I look into the mirror I am just grateful that it didn't happen to me when I was 20.

What is harder to accept is the pain that came back. It is connected also with heat that makes the wound swollen and painful. 

In the last three months I never thought how awesome it would be to have children of my own. But I did think like million times how awesome would it be to be healthy again.

Friday, April 26, 2019


On the photo above: me & my youngest niece (aged 3 weeks) on our couch. How lovely it was to welcome a new baby to our family.... without the sadness that accompanied the arrival of other children.

I see that as a proof of recovery after many dark years of the infertility.

Tuesday, April 23, 2019

Good news

I am already back from the hospital and I am officially CancerFree. I am very relieved. I don't need any chemotheraphy nor radiation. So all I need now is some time so my wounds heal. **

Today is the first day that I am strong enough to do some reading.  I loved Pamela's speach:


and her latest post:

And I loved my Swiss bloggie friend's latest post:
with a title "Being able to stop". Do use google translator, if you don't speak German. With the help of this post I realized that my life doesn't feel any more like living a plan B any more.  I am just living my life. And with the help of cancer threat I realized I do love my life.

** Thank you all for your kind wishes. You were amazing!

Sunday, April 7, 2019

I am done being quiet

Thank you for all your kind wishes. They really mean a lot to me!

I still haven't got the date of operation, hopefully I will get it soon.

I spend lots of time walking my beloved dog. And I try to eat as healthy as possible.

One question for you - do you know and eat these two plants (in my country we eat them a lot in spring, we believe they are very healthy):

Dandelion (I prepare it as salad):

Nettle (I cooked delicious nettle & potatoe soup):

A coworker of mine asked me this week how was I (she hadn't heard the news before). I replied that
cosidering that I have cancer I am doing really well. She looked deep to my eyes and simply asked: "May I hug you?"

How lovely it would be to get an occasional hug during hard and long years of my infertility.

I appreciate the hugs and all good wishes perhaps now even more.

But then there were also the first silly comments and questions.

We were driving to the meeting with a dear coworker of mine, I told her about the cancer. And then, few hours later she asks: "So, are you taking now in May any holidays? Will you do some travelling?".  I looked her in disbelief and asked: "Weren't you listening to me? I have cancer.".
She said: "Yes, of course I know you have cancer. But I just thought it would do you and your husband good... to go some new place, relax, enjoy and forget."
I simply replied: "I can go to the other part of the Earth, but the cancer would go with me, it is on me and perhaps also inside me. I can not forget and relax."

I felt good and strong afterwards. I wasn't quiet when listening to really silly comments.

I had my share of silly comments during my infertility suffering. But I am now done being quiet.

Saturday, March 23, 2019


I wanted this post to be a happy one. I wanted to tell you that the reason I haven't been blogging for a while was that I was just too busy living a happy life in our new home.

I wanted to tell you how lovely it felt hosting a second pyama party in our new home. There were five nieces and nephews, all under the age of 11. Needless to say it was a very vivid house for two days. And yes, I was exhausted afterwards :)

A nephew aged 6 asked me for few times that weekend why I didn't have any children of our own. The question didn't hurt. I explained that when I want to have kids, I just borrow them from their parents.

I wanted to tell you about my travellings (all for work).

I wanted to tell you a silly coworker  who - despite knows about my infertility - needed to share the story how profound beautiful is the moment when you get the child into your lap for a very first time and how awesome is the feeling nursing a child for the whole year. No, she isn't mean... just lacks emotional intelligence.

I wanted to tell you with how many incredible people in my life I was influenced to make a decision: to completely change my profession. I applied to study again at the faculty, I will know at the end of July if I am accepted.  It isn't that I don't like my work. After all, I am greatful for it - with the money I earnt I could pay my share of the cost for our beautiful new home. It is just that I don't want to do office work for another 25 years.

But this post won't be a happy nor a light one.

I went to the main hospital in our country yesterday.  And I got a diagnosis: basal cell carcinoma (with a nick name BCC).  I know it is very unlikely to be fatal. But still... I worry. Especially since it is on a spot that is very difficult to remove.

After the visit in the clinic I cycled back to my office. It was the most beautiful ride you can imagine - I was seeing everything from a new prospective. It was a warm sunny spring day and all I could think is that I want to live.

When I got back to the office two coworkers asked me how it went so I told them. They were so nice - one of them even hugged me.

People are so good at handling the news regarding cancer (at least early stages when there is still all the hope that everything will go well).

In all the years when suffering because infertility it never ever happened that somebody would hug me (except my beloved husband).

A dear friend of mine also went through BCC and I will have her in my mind when dealing with it. Afterwards I will have a cool scar that will tell a story of surviving... just like she has.

Saturday, February 9, 2019

The Power of Acknowledgement

I have just watched a brilliant short video that I got on Infertile Phoenix' blog:

The video is just perfect and so very true.

Friday, February 1, 2019


I have quit going out with some friends where I felt invisible. But then there are people you can't escape - like coworkers.

I often go for work lunch with a group of coworkers. They are all nice, kind and intelligent women. And they are also all mothers of children aged 2 to 14.

I don't mind some talk  about children. I understand that - the children are the most important part of their lives.

Today's lunch talk was plain awful. One started to talk about her birth control - she uses an intrauterine device that contains the hormone. And than she asked 5 of us at the same table casually: "I guess all of you use this method?"   

What could I reply to a silly question like this? I remained silent.

They all confirmed and started to go into lots of details.

I sat there for a while and felt completely invisible. 

I was envious. Not of their healthy children. But of how easy it is to connect with everybody if you have a "normal" life.   And once again it made me realize what an awkward person must I  seem to the rest. 

When I had enough, I thought of how to excuse myself. But I was so fed up, that I just didn't care. I just slipped from the table and went back to work. 


That's why I love coming home. Here I am safe.