Sunday, February 11, 2018


Sometimes I see something and it stays with me for whole day. Like Elaine's latest post:
The music and dancing are just beautiful!
Elaine writes how she and her husband were forced to learn new dance steps.
And so did we.


Sometimes I think that perhaps I don't have much to contribute to IF community since the darkest days of my infertility are way behind me.

But whenever I start thinking about quitting there is some lovely reminder that what I feel & think & write does matter. Like comment that  Infertile Phoenix's  left for me on her post:

"Thank you Klara! So much of my confidence in taking care of myself I learned from you. Before I started this blog I read your whole blog, and I received that message from you over and over. Other people do not understand this life--I have to take care of myself. So thank you for your comments but especially thank you for all of your help over the years. <3"

Dear Phoenix... thank you for this comment! I am so very happy that I can help someone who is 10 years younger then me.  Wishing you all the best! 



Tuesday, February 6, 2018

Home, sweet home :)

I am very proud - I baked my husband's favourite cookies and they are delicious! The reason for baking: I wanted to do something special, to celebrate a very special moment for us.

We have been working on a blueprint of our house for years.  It is pre-fab house, they started to build it few days ago. Today was the very first time that we could go inside, and see all the rooms. It is just priceless - walking the rooms of our house for the very first time.

We are so very happy :) :)

The last time we were so happy was 15 years ago, when we bought our apartment, moved in, got married one month later and then went to our honeymoon for one month (Canada & USA, riding 10.000 kilometers with Amtrak and Viarail). 

And then, for the last 15 years we didn't have any big news.

We just love the process of building the house (although it is stressful from time to time).

We are looking forward to late autumn when we move in :)  

Monday, February 5, 2018

I am so ready for the menopause

I am so ready for the menopause. I am tired of constant bleeding & spotting.

I went to see my gyn today, for the first time in three years. She wasn't worried, but did some tests anyway.

The visit brought many painful memories back.  While having ultrasound I remembered how hurtful egg retrievals (without any anesthesia) were. 

I am so glad that I am 44. And done for good with all infertility treatments. 

Sunday, February 4, 2018

Having time

For many years I feared Saturdays. Saturday is a day that my husband always works and I never. During the darkest years of my infertility I found it hard to fill time. I felt lonely many times.

I don't know when it changed but I love Saturdays now. This is the day of the week that it is completely up to me. I can do whatever I wish.

Yesterday I visited my granny who takes care (together with the rest of the family) after her childless 85-year-old sister.  They have also a cat, but the cat is not allowed to go inside.

It was only yesterday that it occurred me that perhaps the old aunt would to see the cat. Since she has been in bed for the last three years, she can't even look outside to see the cat. So I let the cat inside (my granny wasn't happy about it) and the cat immediately started to cuddle with the aunt. It was a perfect moment - I loved it that I was able to do something kind for an old helpless person.

This was the moment that I decided - when I am very old - I want to find for me and my husband a nursing home that includes some pets (at least one cat).

Our old age is luckily many decades away, so I decided not to worry about it now.

After the visit I took my beloved Wolf for a long walk through the snowy forest. We both enjoyed it.

Thursday, February 1, 2018

Everybody’s kids

I had to work few weeks ago on a business event for few days. I was talking with lots of colleagues that come from the same industry as I do, among others I met a lovely 24-year-old girl.  We talked about lots of things, among other she told me that she is freshly in love and described him. On the day number 3 she came to me and said that she was sorry, but that she lied to me. She explained that at the beginning she wasn't sure whether she could trust me or not. And that she wished to share with me that her new love was a girl. It was a lovely feeling - that there was a young person who trusted me. 

After the event we stayed in touch via email. Few days ago she wrote me that she would love to meet me, together with her girl-friend.  I invited them to my home town (by the way: it is very pretty) for a walk & tea & apple pie.

I was honoured, that a girl that could easily be my daughter doesn't see me as an old boring person :)

It made me think of  Dolly Parton and her  thought that everybody’s kids could be hers.  When I think about this young girl, I feel the same. I don't have children, but this doesn't  mean that I don't have contacts with the next generation.

I guess that this girl sensed that I do not have a traditional life. That I am different. And she is different too, in other way. So she feels comfortable talking to me since she feels I am not someone who judges others.

I am looking forward to meeting them.

Sunday, January 28, 2018

Count your blessings

Most of people deleted me (and my husband) from their invitation lists. I can't blame them. We have skipped countless kids' birthdays and other events that included mainly families with kids.

But there is one exception, my cousin. I declined her invitation to 13 birthday parties of her two kids and yet, she still sent us an invitation. It wasn't kids' birthday, it was family occasion. So I thought we could go, just to show gratitude for not deleting us from their lives.

We went and it was OK. Yes, there was some silly comments that I hated. Like -  now you have to make the third child!  (it was said by the mother of three to my cousin).

There were approximately 10 kids under 10. When I couldn't listen to adults any more, I just accepted kids' invitation to play outside (hide & seek) and it was great fun!

I am still not 100 % functional among adults (and I guess I will never be, I am already having some issues with new "grannies" who are only like few years older then me). But among children - at least the ones above 3 years - I feel perfectly fine.

Count your blessings is the expression that I love. One of my blessings is time spent with my mom's cousin who has cancer. I have been bringing her books from the library for the last few years. I am also keeping list (well, it is copy-paste from the library system) where she marks me all the books she loved the most. So far I brought her around 300 books.  I love talking to her. About books. About life.

The last time I visited her  she said that she knows how much I wished to have children of my own (=I never talked about my infertility with her), but that she just wanted me to know something. She said that once an older friend told her something and it stayed with her because it is so true: "When your children are little, they drink your milk. When they grow up, they drink your blood."

She knows what she is talking about. She has a son who hasn't spoken to her for more then a decade.

We both had tears in our eyes when we talked. Me because of my unfulfilled dreams. She because of the pain caused by her son. It was a therapeutic for both of us.

Sunday, January 21, 2018

The hardest thing I've ever done

This Christmas / New Year period I got only two new emails from readers of my blog. Since they were so few I appreciate them even more. Thank you for taking time to write to me.

One of them wrote that giving up the dream of her children is also the hardest thing she has ever done.  I couldn't agree more. This was the hardest thing I've ever done.