Monday, August 22, 2016

Lessons learnt from beloved Wolf

 Beloved Wolf, aged 5 years

I spent Saturday working in my vegetable garden with my mom, Wolfie was there with us, guarding us. During our talk, my mom commented that I spend way too much time with my dog. That there is so much work when owning a dog, that some parents don't spend as much active time with their children as I do with my dog. She added that I spent so much time with my Wolf and what do I have now that he is dead? By her opinion nothing. 

I wasn't offended. I know that nobody who never owned a pet can can understand the joy that a dog can bring you. So I just replied that I can not imagine my time better spent then with Wolf. 

Still, my mom's comment didn't leave my mind for many days. 

I didn't tell her this, but there is a priceless lesson that I learnt from beloved Wolf. No matter how long you live, the life is always too short. So you just have to live each day to the fullest, the best way you can. And hang out with ones you love. 

Beloved Wolfie, aged 1 year and a half

BTW:  I got back mammography results. They are OK. I am very relieved.

Saturday, August 20, 2016

I am back

I am reading Pascal Mercier's Night Train to Lisbon and I just loved this quote, I wanted to share it with you.

I love long summer days, but I am ready for autumn, rainy days and having time to read and write.

I'm doing very well this summer. I feel already healed most of the time. But then something happens that I realize that infertility pain will always be part of my life.

I found out that my ex boss is pregnant with her first child, aged 43. I didn't meet her often, but when I did, I felt comfortable talking to her - there were never any topics in our conversation that could hurt me. I am happy that her dreams will come true. But what about my dreams?  The news really hit me for few days.

Yesterday I met our neighbours son. He was just a teenager when me and my DH were newlyweds and moved to the building. And yesterday I saw him with an infant. I didn't even know that his girlfriend was pregnant, since they don't live here. Better so. Any normal human being would stop and compliment the child or whatever. I just said hello, commented nothing and walked into our flat. You see, I am not healed at all.

I saw this quote - and it just suits my today's mood.
Otherwise I was very  busy with having fun time with husband and our beloved Wolfie during the long weekend. Here are two of our favourite spots: deep forests, where you can walk for 6 hours and meet nobody (meeting literally nobody is good since 6 bears live in this part of the country). And walking 13 kilometers around our most  beautiful alpine lake. Photos:

Monday, August 8, 2016

Greetings to Singapore for Lara

Dear Lara,
it is lovely to get your greetings from Singapore.
Have one mee goreng for me please :)
We just loved food courts in Singapore.

A walk in the woods

A photo from yesterday's hike with DH and beloved Wolfie. It was a lovely hike!

Sunday, August 7, 2016

A mammography screening

I have a mammography screening in two days and since I haven't had my period for the last two months, I wanted to be sure that I am not pregnant. So I did the test.

Not that I wish to have a child that late in life.

But still, it is depressing to see negative test. Since it brings back so many sad memories from the past. 

The first mammography screening was very hurtful. I hope it will be better this time.

Friday, August 5, 2016

Two curious little girls

I have just returned from beautiful holidays at the seaside with my cousin and her two kids aged 7 and 4. It was lovely to do many fun things with the kids, sometimes were just the tree of us. But at the same time, it was also a bit sad, experiencing something so beautiful and knowing, it will never be a part of my life except few days per year.

One day, the seven-year-old niece was in my bedroom and I was reading a story. She asked me, out of the blue: "You never had any children?" 
I replied that never.
She asked me "How come?" 
What can you answer to a kid? I replied that God didn't give any children to us. 
She said (=her mom recently explained her rough version of how babies come to world): "So an egg and a sperm didn't meet?". 
I replied "No". 
Her eyes sparkled since she found the solution "I know. Your husband and you aren't really married. That's why an egg and a sperm didn't meet." 
I laughed, it was so funny. I explained that we have been married, for 13 years.
She said: "That's a long time!"
I agreed.
She concluded: "But then if you are married, it is really strange that an egg and a sperm didn't meet."
I agreed that it was strange indeed. 

Few days later I had a similair discussion with a 9-year-old girl. She is my cousin's friend's child and since one of her parents doesn't like to swim and the other was busy minding younger children, she had nobody to swim with. She noticed that I am swimming all the time and she asked me if she may join me. I would never say no to a child, especially when such a kind request is very seldom.  The girl just loved swimming with me and so did I.
After a while she asked: "Klara, do you have any children?" 
I replied "No."
She said: "But why you don't have children? You didn't want to have children?". 
I didn't want to have this conversation. But I couldn't reply nothing.
I said: "Well, God didn't give me any children".
She thought for a second and then said: "So, you wished to have children and you couldn't?"
I agreed.
She concluded: "It is a pity!"
I agreed that it was a pity indeed.

The two conversations didn't make me sad. 
I felt rich, having company of two lovely girls for few days. 
And I feel that I made the girls' lives richer. Just by talking to them, not ignoring their questions and being kind to them.

Saturday, July 16, 2016

Do you live the life you want?

Few weeks ago I read an article in German magazine with a title "Leben Sie das richtige Leben?" / Do you live the life you want?

I was eager to read the article, but was once again deeply disappointed. Articles that include childless people are always so black-white, typical and very cliché.

The article starts with a single childless man around 50. He was enjoying his life, wearing Armani and enjoying freedom. Then one day he met a refugee aged 17 and realized that his own life is empty. He realized he wished to have a son so someone would be able to visit his grave one day. He wanted to leave a legacy behind. So he decided to adopt a 17-year-old boy. And now his life is meaningful.

Don't get me wrong, I am happy for this man (he looked very kind on the photo) if he found his happiness by adopting.  But what makes me angry are the clichés that journalists boost. Only very few among childless people wear Armani (and certainly not me). Yes, my life is childless, but certainly not meaningless. I do like visits of people close to my heart. I don't need anybody visiting me when I am gone.

What about my legacy? I don't have the need to leave anything major behind, except million small acts of kindness. That's how I wish to be remembered by different people.

I was working in my vegetable garden with Wolfie today and when going home, we met an older lady for the first time who wanted to cuddle Wolfie. Not many people want to do that since people are scared of large dogs. Wolfie was more than happy to be cuddled and I started to chat with the lady. She is 76 and she does a long walking tour every Saturday: around 20 - 25 kilometers! She was such a vivid kind old lady, you could feel her good energy. She told me that walking gives her freedom. That her mother was always telling to her and her siblings: "You should live each day as if you are going to die tomorrow." She is following her mother's advice so she uses each day to do something active and nice.

How I wish to be like her one day!