Seeing My Story Reflected Back

 

I entered some information into ChatGPT, and this is how it represents accepting childlessness.

I quite like it!

 

Madrid

 

I am reading a book written by a young woman who had a stroke ten years ago when she was only 25. I loved one of the sentences in her book. She said that it took her many years to see herself for who she was and not just as a person who had had a stroke.

It made me realise how much infertility has defined the way I see myself.  I am so much more than my infertility. There are so many wonderful things in my life. I just don't want to focus on my childlessness any more.

I would like to show you some beautiful things that I experienced in 2023 that I haven't had time to share with you yet.

I visited beautiful Madrid. I stayed there for a few days for work. And although I had almost no free time, I managed to visit the Prado again. I love the beautiful paintings of the Prado so much!

You hold them close to your heart

 

I have just returned from a two-day teambuilding and New Year's Eve party with my colleagues. It was OK for the most part, but there was one thing that really bothered me.

Part of the team building was a talk (by a hired professional) on how to make the most of our time. And to start with, each of us had to answer two questions: What are we most proud of in our lives? What will we be most proud of in 2023?

If I were with a group of close friends, I would have no problem answering.

My husband and I have gone through the dark years of infertility with 10 failed IVFs and it has made our love for each other even deeper, stronger, gentler and more beautiful.

Regarding 2023 (and 2022): I am proud of my husband. He went through a hell of a time grieving the sudden death of his beloved nephew. On top of that, his elderly mother became very ill and he lovingly cared for her. She died in her sleep a few weeks ago.  And through it all, he has remained strong, living each day to the best of his ability and solving all the problems that come up day after day. I admire his strength and his love. And I am proud of myself. I have been there for him every step of the way.

But these things are very personal and I am not prepared to share them with random colleagues.

Most of my colleagues responded / were proud of / included something about their children. And almost all the answers received warm applause.

My answer was that I was proud of myself for learning to make time for things that are important to me, like going for a walk every day.

My short speech didn't get any applause.  

Not that it really mattered, but it still bothered me. Until yesterday.

Yesterday I was looking at the latest:  https://gateway-women.com/firesidewisdom-rolemodels/

and came across a beautiful thought by Donna Ward. When I heard it, I suddenly felt at ease, at home.

"When you get to a certain age, you realize what your achievements are, and you have done those things. No one else has done those things. And your friends who are living a life that is of the mainstream will never understand the achievements you have done. You hold them close to your heart and that is what makes you walk well in the world, those achievements." 

PS: on the photo: our capital, Ljubljana, in Christmas lights

Waiting too long? (btw: my 1000th post!!)

I stopped counting how many times have I heard a comment about childless woman who waited too long with decision to start a family and then it was too late. The comment was never addressed directly to me, but in conversation. 

What does it actually mean waiting too long? I had to wait until finding the love of my life. And this can take some time (and some luck!). 

This is the 1000th post of this blog and I am dedicating it to my husband, the love of my life. I am very grateful to have met him.  I am glad he proposed me on this beautiful Dalmatian island (photo above). 

I am sharing a post that I wrote 10 years ago: 

https://thenext15000days.blogspot.com/2012/09/my-favourite-song.html

I still feel exactly the same as I did 10 years ago, when writing those lines <3 

I don't have to justify my existence with anything

 

I met a dear friend of mine. We met while going to the IVFs at the same time. She was one of the lucky ones, I wasn't. 

Our paths parted, but whenever we meet - it feels like yesterday. I can't imagine going through the hell of failed IVFs without her. I have always loved her.

We went for a walk together and it was nice. But then, out of the blue came her comment that one doesn't need to have children of his own in order to leave a mark in this world. That I could decide to help someone in need. 

In old times I would just take the comment and wouldn't say anything.

But I am done being quiet.

I said that me as a childless person don't have to justify my existence with kindness. If I choose to help someone, it would be my decision as a human being (where it really doesn't matter your reproduction status). 

I live. I am a decent person. I am kind (most of the time). But to be frank, the world many times isn't kind with me.

Will comments like that ever stop to hurt? I guess not.

But what is a good thing: they don't hurt a lot and they don't hurt long.

And as always: a long walk in the forest helps me feeling better. I love autumn colours.