Friday, April 20, 2018

Licence for giving birth

I went for lunch with my coworkers. We were entering the small elevator, there were six of us,  when one made a joke and said: "The elevator is for seven so if only one of us in pregnant, it is OK. If there are more pregnant, there are too many of us." 

One of them (mother of two) said: "I am not pregnant, I have already returned my licence for giving births." One (very young one) said: "I am not pregnant, I haven't got the licence yet."

They all laughed, they thought it was a brilliant joke. Nobody seemed to notice that I remained silent.  

What should I add?  That when I was in the right time for giving birth the licence was rejected?

In moments like that I realize how I don't fit in and I never will. I truly think that even when I am 80, I will not find jokes like that funny.

Monday, April 16, 2018

Nothing is permanent

I love this quote! It reminds me that my sorrow and pain caused by infertility aren't permanent. One day I will be gone and so will they.

I have to live the life that I have. Not long for the life that wasn't meant to be mine.

Sunday, April 15, 2018


I have read a very good article recently on NY Times:

that explains maternal grandparent advantage. When reading this article I realized that it confirms what I have always known - there is also a maternal aunt advantage.

I have two nieces and I always try to get permission from their parents (which in reality means permission of my sister-in-law) to do some fun stuff together. And 4 times out of 5 my request is denied - for whatever lame excuse. It is such a pity - because the girls love me. And I love them.

The truth is that I was humiliated many times. If it wasn't for the girls, I would just give up.

But I don't want them growing up thinking that I don't love them. Because that is what they would think - because they would know that I am always taking only my cousin's kids for fun activities.

The older niece is almost a teenager, so currently I am not very interesting for her. But the little one, aged six, is in the best age for cuddling with her aunt. Whenever she sees me she jumps into my lap and cuddles like no other ever cuddled with me. She is so sweet.

And then there are my cousin's kids (this is my cousin with whom we lived all our childhood together in one house so she feels like my sister). There I have a maternal aunt advantage.

My cousin was checking the contacts that her almost 9-year-old daughter has in her mobile when she saw how the little one saved my number: NaughtyAuntKlara. 

My cousin asked her daughter whether Klara is her aunt and the little one confirmed.  So sweet!

I know that when the kids come into teenage years I will loose them, most probably for good. I decided not to worry about that loss now. I will only enjoy in the moments that I have with them now. It is lovely to be a part of their childhood.

Friday, April 13, 2018


I have just read this book, it is lovely.

“The best way to measure how much you've grown isn't by inches or the number of laps you can now run around the track, or even your grade point average-- though those things are important, to be sure. It's what you've done with your time, how you've chosen to spend your days, and whom you've touched this year. That, to me, is the greatest measure of success.”
R.J. Palacio, Wonder

Wednesday, April 11, 2018

Being fed up with being quiet

I have a coworker (a mother of two young boys) that really is one of the kindest people I know. But she is so focused on being a mum that she unintentionally hurts me many times. 

She was checking one client's application form with demographic data when she noticed that they have three children. She commented: "When seeing parents with three children I always wonder how do they handle everything. Parenting three children must me awfully lot of work."

I am always quiet. But somehow I was so fed up being quiet so I said: "When seeing parents with three children I always wonder if they know how incredibly lucky they are."


We have our very first guests confirmed for a visit in our new home. A dear bloggie-pen-friend of mine is coming from Netherlands, together with her husband and their little girl.  It feels therapeutic, being able to host a family with young child.  I can't imagine doing that five years ago.

Via my blog I have already met one little girl from France that I immediately loved (and also her mother).

It is a liberating feeling, not dividing the women to mothers and non mothers any more.
I divide now women to the ones with kind compassionate heart and to the ones without.

Monday, April 9, 2018

Being a part of life-after-infertility community

I had an awkward visit. It was from a friend from my youth. We were never close friends, but we did spend plenty of lovely days together, going to the mountains, with a group of friends. Together we climbed also our highest mountain (almost 3.000 meters high). 

I invited her to our home. It was nice at the beginning.  We haven't seen each other for 15 years so there was lots of catching up. She told me about her lovely daughters. I told her about my infertility.  It was OK at first, but then the silly questions appeared:
  • Did I consider trying some additional IVFs?  (=no, I haven't. If the IVFs didn't work when I was 32, they for sure won't work now that I am almost 45). 
  • Did I consider adoption?  Her close friend adopted twins from Ghana and they are sooooooo happy together. (=yes, of course we considered it but no, thank you, it is not for us). 
And at the end, when already leaving for a medical appointment, she told me that she is pregnant (she is 3 years younger then me).    I wish her all the best, but I don't think I am interested in another coffee with her and being a part of her pregnancy.

It is not because she is a mother. (My best friend is a mother.) It is because of the silly questions.

Otherwise it was a good week. The construction works with the house are going very well. And the link to my blog was published in some of my favourite bloggie friends' blogs: 
It is a lovely feeling. My thoughts and my feelings  matter. It means a world to be  - being a part of life-after-infertility community. 

Saturday, March 31, 2018

I hate stereotypes!

I was learning if-clauses with 18-year-old boy.  I like teaching him, I also learn a lot (=mainly the things that I already knew and forgot).

This sentence from his test made me angry. It is wrong to teach kids the stereotypes. 

 Couldn't his teacher be a bit creative? I think this sentence is much nicer:
Mary doesn't have any children. If she had children, she wouldn't have time for long holidays in New Zealand :)

Thursday, March 29, 2018

Meeting a neighbour

I went to a shopping centre when somebody called my name and greeted me very warmly. It was my neighbour, fifteen years older then me, she is a cleaning lady there. I don't know her well, so I didn't know where she worked.

We started to chat and somewhere in the middle of conversation I asked her how are her granddaughters.  When we moved in -  fifteen years ago - I saw her very often with two little girls so I assumed they were her granddaughters.

When I asked her, her eyes became wet and told me that she didn't have any children because she couldn't have them. The girls are her husband's niece's daughters.

I apologized to her for my question. I added that I also couldn't have children.

It was as if she had been waiting all life for someone who would understand her pain, so she started to tell me all the story.

I was sad for her pain. You see, it was even much harder for her to survive the infertility as for me. In her times, most of women had children much younger which means it was more likely that they could have them. And she suffered infertility without being able to connect on internet with women who would understand her.

She told me that the two little girls loved them so much when they were little. They were always buying them the most expensive gifts, whatever they wished for. Now they are teenagers so they never come. Except when the uncle and aunt invite them for a shopping trip.

It is another confirmation for me that I want to remain auntie who never buys material things. I am auntie who takes kids for fun activities.  My latest activity with them is inviting them twice per month to my home to learn German. Main tool of learning: watching cartoons in German & listening to songs on youtube. I enjoy it a lot. 

Sunday, March 18, 2018

Our own ways of doing things when we are feeling blue

A dear pen-friend of mine sent me this link:

I wish I would be able to watch Mr Rogers when I was a little girl. I could learn so much!

Do watch 6-minute-video "It's you I like". I like how respectful and kind he talks to the child. And I love the conclusion: "We have to discover our own ways of doing things when we are feeling blue." 
So very true!

Saturday, March 10, 2018

Being sorry for someone I don't know

A friend of mine told me a story about her coworker. I don't know her, but I know her husband since we went to the same school.  They have been trying to have a child for years, without any success. Now they are having IVF and he gave her an ultimatum: if it doesn't work, he wants a divorce.

I don't know this girl, but I feel so sorry for her. I am sorry that she is struggling with infertility. I am sorry that she married someone who is handsome on outside but has black cruel soul. And I am sorry that she has a friend who is not a friend at all - she told this very personal humiliating information to her and she told few others who told the rest. 

I hope she heals and that one day she finds the love of her life. Since that man for sure isn't.

Sunday, March 4, 2018

I can't have children, she said flatly

I love reading Dan Brown's Origin.  Attached: a part of the novel where one of main character's reveals to her fiance that she is infertile. It is nicely written.

I am very interested how the story will develop. Will the author use one of the clich├ęs?

Thursday, March 1, 2018

Home is...

I am good. Just extremely busy with everything regarding our new house. When we were shopping this week we saw this quote in the shop. So beautiful.  Both me and my husband are looking forward  to live in our little brand new home by Christmas.

Good thing with being busy is that I (almost) don't have for any thoughts regarding infertility. When something happens, it still hurts. But I am able to brush everything off me very soon since I don't have time to be stuck in negative thoughts. There is way much work to be done.

There is a neighbour (married, two young kids). We have known each other for ten years. He needed a favour from me, so I gave him my contact. He was looking in disbelief saying: "You have the same surname as  X??" (X=naming the name of my husband)
I replied: "Of course.".
And he asked in even greater disbelief: "Are you married??"
I replied: "Of course.".

Silly stupid idiot. And he is not the first one that asked me this.
People just know that only people who want to have children get married.
And people just make the assumption - if you don't have children, you aren't married.

His question hurt for few minutes. But then I just concluded that idiots like him don't deserve my attention, so I just decided to push him out of my mind.  (I wasn't that successful, the remark stayed for me for few days).


Then there is a kind coworker, my age, mother of two young children born  in 5th IVF attempt. We went to lunch together, just the two of us. And we talked about everything, also about our infertility stories, for the very first time. After listening to my story she commented: "I can't even imagine what you had to go through."

Her comment touched my heart. She knew that the darkest time of infertility comes when one has to give up hopes and dreams of having a child.

I am glad that she didn't have to give up her dreams. She really is a lovely person.

Monday, February 26, 2018

The life that is waiting for us

I am currently reading Dan Brown's latest novel Origin and I just love the quote that I found there.

Sunday, February 11, 2018


Sometimes I see something and it stays with me for whole day. Like Elaine's latest post:
The music and dancing are just beautiful!
Elaine writes how she and her husband were forced to learn new dance steps.
And so did we.


Sometimes I think that perhaps I don't have much to contribute to IF community since the darkest days of my infertility are way behind me.

But whenever I start thinking about quitting there is some lovely reminder that what I feel & think & write does matter. Like comment that  Infertile Phoenix's  left for me on her post:

"Thank you Klara! So much of my confidence in taking care of myself I learned from you. Before I started this blog I read your whole blog, and I received that message from you over and over. Other people do not understand this life--I have to take care of myself. So thank you for your comments but especially thank you for all of your help over the years. <3"

Dear Phoenix... thank you for this comment! I am so very happy that I can help someone who is 10 years younger then me.  Wishing you all the best! 



Tuesday, February 6, 2018

Home, sweet home :)

I am very proud - I baked my husband's favourite cookies and they are delicious! The reason for baking: I wanted to do something special, to celebrate a very special moment for us.

We have been working on a blueprint of our house for years.  It is pre-fab house, they started to build it few days ago. Today was the very first time that we could go inside, and see all the rooms. It is just priceless - walking the rooms of our house for the very first time.

We are so very happy :) :)

The last time we were so happy was 15 years ago, when we bought our apartment, moved in, got married one month later and then went to our honeymoon for one month (Canada & USA, riding 10.000 kilometers with Amtrak and Viarail). 

And then, for the last 15 years we didn't have any big news.

We just love the process of building the house (although it is stressful from time to time).

We are looking forward to late autumn when we move in :)  

Monday, February 5, 2018

I am so ready for the menopause

I am so ready for the menopause. I am tired of constant bleeding & spotting.

I went to see my gyn today, for the first time in three years. She wasn't worried, but did some tests anyway.

The visit brought many painful memories back.  While having ultrasound I remembered how hurtful egg retrievals (without any anesthesia) were. 

I am so glad that I am 44. And done for good with all infertility treatments. 

Sunday, February 4, 2018

Having time

For many years I feared Saturdays. Saturday is a day that my husband always works and I never. During the darkest years of my infertility I found it hard to fill time. I felt lonely many times.

I don't know when it changed but I love Saturdays now. This is the day of the week that it is completely up to me. I can do whatever I wish.

Yesterday I visited my granny who takes care (together with the rest of the family) after her childless 85-year-old sister.  They have also a cat, but the cat is not allowed to go inside.

It was only yesterday that it occurred me that perhaps the old aunt would to see the cat. Since she has been in bed for the last three years, she can't even look outside to see the cat. So I let the cat inside (my granny wasn't happy about it) and the cat immediately started to cuddle with the aunt. It was a perfect moment - I loved it that I was able to do something kind for an old helpless person.

This was the moment that I decided - when I am very old - I want to find for me and my husband a nursing home that includes some pets (at least one cat).

Our old age is luckily many decades away, so I decided not to worry about it now.

After the visit I took my beloved Wolf for a long walk through the snowy forest. We both enjoyed it.

Thursday, February 1, 2018

Everybody’s kids

I had to work few weeks ago on a business event for few days. I was talking with lots of colleagues that come from the same industry as I do, among others I met a lovely 24-year-old girl.  We talked about lots of things, among other she told me that she is freshly in love and described him. On the day number 3 she came to me and said that she was sorry, but that she lied to me. She explained that at the beginning she wasn't sure whether she could trust me or not. And that she wished to share with me that her new love was a girl. It was a lovely feeling - that there was a young person who trusted me. 

After the event we stayed in touch via email. Few days ago she wrote me that she would love to meet me, together with her girl-friend.  I invited them to my home town (by the way: it is very pretty) for a walk & tea & apple pie.

I was honoured, that a girl that could easily be my daughter doesn't see me as an old boring person :)

It made me think of  Dolly Parton and her  thought that everybody’s kids could be hers.  When I think about this young girl, I feel the same. I don't have children, but this doesn't  mean that I don't have contacts with the next generation.

I guess that this girl sensed that I do not have a traditional life. That I am different. And she is different too, in other way. So she feels comfortable talking to me since she feels I am not someone who judges others.

I am looking forward to meeting them.

Sunday, January 28, 2018

Count your blessings

Most of people deleted me (and my husband) from their invitation lists. I can't blame them. We have skipped countless kids' birthdays and other events that included mainly families with kids.

But there is one exception, my cousin. I declined her invitation to 13 birthday parties of her two kids and yet, she still sent us an invitation. It wasn't kids' birthday, it was family occasion. So I thought we could go, just to show gratitude for not deleting us from their lives.

We went and it was OK. Yes, there was some silly comments that I hated. Like -  now you have to make the third child!  (it was said by the mother of three to my cousin).

There were approximately 10 kids under 10. When I couldn't listen to adults any more, I just accepted kids' invitation to play outside (hide & seek) and it was great fun!

I am still not 100 % functional among adults (and I guess I will never be, I am already having some issues with new "grannies" who are only like few years older then me). But among children - at least the ones above 3 years - I feel perfectly fine.

Count your blessings is the expression that I love. One of my blessings is time spent with my mom's cousin who has cancer. I have been bringing her books from the library for the last few years. I am also keeping list (well, it is copy-paste from the library system) where she marks me all the books she loved the most. So far I brought her around 300 books.  I love talking to her. About books. About life.

The last time I visited her  she said that she knows how much I wished to have children of my own (=I never talked about my infertility with her), but that she just wanted me to know something. She said that once an older friend told her something and it stayed with her because it is so true: "When your children are little, they drink your milk. When they grow up, they drink your blood."

She knows what she is talking about. She has a son who hasn't spoken to her for more then a decade.

We both had tears in our eyes when we talked. Me because of my unfulfilled dreams. She because of the pain caused by her son. It was a therapeutic for both of us.

Sunday, January 21, 2018

The hardest thing I've ever done

This Christmas / New Year period I got only two new emails from readers of my blog. Since they were so few I appreciate them even more. Thank you for taking time to write to me.

One of them wrote that giving up the dream of her children is also the hardest thing she has ever done.  I couldn't agree more. This was the hardest thing I've ever done.

Saturday, January 20, 2018

Life is...

I am good, just extremely busy with "our little house" building project. I love all the decisions that need to be done together with my husband. Like: will we have plastic windows? Wooden? We have chosen wood. Then: which wood?  Spruce, larch, oak?

It is all very exciting.

I have taken the photo of this slogan in one of the shops. I loved this quote.

Friday, January 12, 2018

So everybody’s kids could be mine

I really liked the latest interview on LWB:

I tried to leave a comment, but I couldn't. I might try later. 
Teresa's thoughts reminded me of my feelings when in the darkest days of my infertility.

She wrote that she had given up on God. I know, I had given up on God for many years.

I loved the article that I found on Pamela's blog this week: 

I really liked this part:
Dolly Parton explained that although she’s been married to her husband Carl Dean for over 50 years, she feels that not having children was part of God’s larger design for her life. “I think it probably was his plan for me not to have kids,” she said, “so everybody’s kids could be mine.” 

If someone told me this when in the darkest years of my infertility I guess I would try to smack him/her. But nowadays most of the days I feel like that.

Friday, January 5, 2018

You don't have to do anything you don't want to

One of my colleagues listened to an interview with a 80-year-old woman. She was asked if she could give only one advice to younger generation, what would it be?  Her reply was: "You don't have to do anything you don't want to."

I haven't been feeling well lately (it sucks having asthma & heartburn issues). I am not really ill, but I certainly didn't feel well enough to attend company's after-new-year party. I listened to the advice of wise old woman, so I went to see my GP and asked for one day of sick leave.

I spent a cosy day inside, reading this biography: 

My Early Life

I do admire Churchill!

Thursday, January 4, 2018

A candle for a friend

I got an email  today from a husband of a friend (from the time of IVFs). He wished me a happy new year and then wrote that sadly his wife passed away few days ago, leaving him alone with their son. 

I am so sorry for him. And I am so sorry that a 7-year-old boy will have to grow up without his mother.

I had an amazing support group during the times of all infertility treatments. But one by one they were getting babies (in a country where 6 IVFs are completely free of charge most of the women do get what they wish for). I no longer belonged to their group. They were still nice, inviting me to their events, but I could not - in the darkest days of my infertility - go to meetings where there was only one topic: pregnancies, newborns, toddlers...

So I stopped going to their reunions.

This friend even wrote to me couple of times after the birth of the child. I said congratulations and best wishes for the baby. She invited me to see the baby. Can't really remember what I replied, but probably that I am not ready for meeting the child and that I will get back to her when I am ready.

I wasn't ready for many years and when I was ready, I forgot about her and she forgot about me.   But yet ... my email was somewhere there for her husband to find and let me know about the tragedy.

If you didn't go through infertility you probably think I am selfish b****.
If you did go, then you understand... it is self-preservation. Without it I literally could not survive accepting childless life after the infertility.

I sent email with condolences to her husband and their little boy.

And I will lit a little candle in her memory now.

I can't do anything else.


I just loved the video about the cute little girl who feels sorry for the animals. 

I almost don't eat meat (but I am not a vegetarian yet). 

When you own an animal (in my case a dog) you realize how smart they are and how cruel it is to breed and kill them. Since they understand so much.

I loved story about Esther the pig. I am glad that at least she has a happy life:

Monday, January 1, 2018

Happy and Healthy New Year!

In my country we never wish only for a happy new year, good wishes should be always in combination with health.

So, my dear readers, I am wishing you a very Happy and Healthy New Year! 

PS: photo was taken almost 12 years ago, while travelling around Patagonia (on the photo: breathtaking beautiful glacier Perito Moreno). My therapy during the years of failed IVFs was travelling. Always when heartbroken the only thing that worked for me was buying a plane ticket and fly far away for few weeks together with my husband. Since we had 10 failed IVFs we have seen quite some of the world :)  One of these days I will make "best of" travelling photos from that time.