A gift

It is lovely to start a morning by reading a beautiful Pamela's post:  
https://blog.silentsorority.com/darkness-musings/
that includes a link to the post I had written exactly seven years ago.

I just love a poem that Pamela included in her post:

“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift.”
by Mary Oliver  


This year so far I got only one email as part of Christmas wish (thank you!). There are 11 days until Christmas, so you are not too late :)
http://thenext15000days.blogspot.com/2018/12/my-christmas-wish.html

My Christmas wish

I have the same Christmas wish as the last three years.
I would love to get an email from you.
To learn who you are. 
Where you are coming from.
Why you read my blog.
What my blog means to you.  
Did it help in any way?

I promise I will not publish your emails, nor misuse them in any way.
And I promise I will write back :)

My email: klara.soncek (at) gmail.com


I am looking forward to Christmas :)
I loved receiving emails last three Decembers from literally all around the world!  


PS: I took this photo yesterday, in the heart of Ljubljana. If you haven't visited it yet, you do have to add it on your travelling list for the future, it is so pretty!

Living with infertility does get easier as years are passing by

Yesterday at work a group of my coworkers discussed how terrible it is that they had forgotten almost all English. They were all fluent when they finished university, but because they don't use it they forgot it.

I just listened. I couldn't actually boast how awesome it has been writing an infertility blog in English for the last seven years and how my English has improved by writing my own blog and by reading other blogs :)

***

I really wanted to see the moment when the Christmas lights are lit in the capital yesterday, so I went to the city centre after work.  I phoned a kind woman who was my boss in my first job and I invited her for a coffee and for the event. She gladly accepted.

I have always liked her, she has  always been nice to me. I always appreciated her advice - it was easy for her to be wise, she is 20 years older then me.

Well, I appreciated all of her advice but one.  She insisted that even when I was 40+, I still have plenty of time to have a child and that I shouldn't give up hope. She viewed this topic from her standing point - she had her first and only child when she was 43.  

That's why I just didn't want to meet for her for the last few years.

Yesterday's meeting was really nice - we had so much catching up to do. And this was the first time that she didn't bring up the topic of not giving up the hope.

Living with infertility does get easier as years are passing by.

It felt awesome, claiming my life back.

Childless?

I am very glad that we moved to our new house now and not for example 10 years ago when I was in the darkest years of my infertility.  As years are passing by the pain of infertility still remains, but it is not raw any more. 

I can do now things I couldn't even imagine doing ten years ago. For example inviting friends, family and  colleagues to visit us in our new home together with their children.  

I have just counted all the children who visited us since we moved in:  total of 22 children. 10 boys and 12 girls, aged from 6 to 18 (most of the children are around 10). 

Writing this down it seems so obvious. When I started to accept the horrible truth that I might never have children of my own, the most children were born.  

It was hard then. But now I am happy that they are part of my life.

*** 

A friend of mine planned a holiday to beautiful Lake Garda but wasn't sure which road to take. So - when I spent two hours with her kids alone, doing homework, I used opportunity to talk to them in two languages: German and Italian. I gave them one of my old Italian maps and explained them which road is by my opinion really nice. With colourful paper I marked the highlights. Like - the delicious wafers factory in the heart of Dolomitis: https://www.loacker.com/int/en/

So when they did go on a road trip, the kids insisted that they drive the road I marked them. And of course they visited the wafers factory shop and loved it.  

My friends tell me that whenever they buy this wafers the kids remember who was the person who told them about it :)

***

There is one thing that I absolute love doing: teaching German my cousin's little daughter. Since we don't live close by, we manage to have only once or twice per month. It is priceless.... to watch a child without any knowledge to master first German words. She is so proud.... most of her school-friends learn only English and she learns also German!

It is so easy to learn foreign languages now, with the help of cartoons and songs.

***

I may be childless, but my life certainly isn't.

May all the kind souls be blessed

Not long ago a colleague that I know only casually – we met through work – asked: “So how come you don’t have children – you couldn’t have them or you didn’t want to have them?”.

What a silly lady. Like I am answering a rude question like this.

I replied: “I don’t have children.” and turned around to find some kinder people to talk to (it was on an event).

***

Another conversation that stuck with me was with a coworker. We were driving together in a car for many hours, so there was a lot of time to fill. We were talking about someone we both admire and know only through media. I told  that recently I had read an interview with this person and how lovely it was to see that she had found love of her life now, that she is already over 50. And I mentioned that I found a bit sad how she replied the journalist's question who in this world means the most to her. She replied in this order: her husband, her parents, her husband's sons and his grandchildren.

And my coworker said in disbelief: "She doesn't have any children of her own? I am so sorry for her and so terrified that I got goose bumps."

Her silly comment hurt me. Did she or somebody else also get goose bumps because of me? 

Yes, being childless when you wish to have children more then anything else is sad. But I don't want anybody's pity since pity is humiliating.

***

Then luckily there are kind souls around me. For example  - a mother of a boy whom I have been teaching German for the last few years. She wanted to know everything about our new house and I explained the concept of the house - everything is constructed so that it will be friendly to us also when we are very old (luckily not any time soon ;)

She complimented on our choices and said that not many people are so smart to think that much in advance. I commented that sadly we don't have any children and that's why we have to think about issues like this already now - since we really want to be independent for as long as we possibly can.

She commented very kindly that once she was taking care (she works in a nursing home) for an old lady who had ten children. She really wanted to spend the last years of her life with one of the children, but nobody wanted to take care of her. She was very heartbroken  and always kept saying: "A mother can take care of ten children, but ten children can not take care of a mother." 
 
Kind souls like her - saying something kind and compassionate when they notice the pain - make the world a better place.

 

Lovely moments

I am back. I have missed my blog.

This year there were many lovely moments connected with our new house. We are so happy that our dreams have come true! 

There were so many beautiful moments during the summer and early autumn - not connected only with our new home.

I was cycling few weeks ago when a car overtook me and then stopped in the middle of the road. I thought it was strange when suddenly a kind voice called my name. It was my cousin's friend with whom I spent few days at the seaside last year and the year before - when I was visiting my cousin and her kids. I enjoyed swimming together with her two children and my cousin's two children. The kids loved swimming with me... because I love swimming and their mothers not that much.

Then suddenly the door of the car  opened and there was 11-year-old girl, she ran towards me and hugged me. She said: "I missed you this summer!"  Her mother smiled and said: "Can you see... you really make huge impression on the kids." 

My heart melted... it was such a warm and lovely moment.

That was the moment when I realized what I want out of my life. To be connected with the world. And to live for lovely moments like that.

I promised the girl that the next year I will plan my holiday with my cousin in the week when she will be there as well.

***
Another lovely moment was at the seaside. I went on the beach with my cousin's daughter, she is  9.  Out of the blue she asked me how come I didn''t have children of my own. I replied that I wanted to have them but I couldn't. She thought for a moment and then wanted to know if she understood correctly so she checked whether I didn't want to have them or couldn't have them. I replied. She wanted to know how was it possible that you couldn't have them. I told her that when she was older she could ask again if she wanted and I would tell her. That now she was too little for details. She said that she has only one question - how old did she have to be. I replied that when she was 20.  She said OK.

I wish conversation with adults were that easy!

The most beautiful lake

It is a perfect day and I want to spend it with you <3

Photos were taken yesterday here:  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bohinj 
(it is  the most beautiful part of my country)

Wolfie just loves swimming there and so do I.

Football

I have just returned from short holidays on the Croatian coast. Photo attached. 

It was great to watch football match Croatia - England in Croatia. 

I don't  have time to write.  The final match has just started :)

Go, Croatia, go!! 

 

J'ai beaucoup de chance

I have just come back home from beautiful Paris, from some work related meetings.  I did have a day there just for me. I loved walking around.The more I know Paris, the more I love it.

The highlight was meeting a new friend that I met through my blog. She is French, she doesn't live in Paris and she just happened to be here, also for work.  (btw: she is planning to start writing her own blog, in French. As soon as she starts, I will share with you link to her blog).

It was just lovely meeting her.

And if it wasn't for the train strike, I would  meet another friend, my dear Kaymet. 

I felt so connected with the world... just because I didn't decide to be locked alone into the lonely world of childlessness. Instead I decided that to start writing my own blog and reach out to people.

*************

*J'ai beaucoup de chance  = I am lucky  : )

*************

I was learning French for four years in high school. I understand a lot, but I can not speak. It is on my wish list to learn it more. So I was very proud when I ordered in Paris: "Je voudrais une quiche végétarienne, s'il vous plaît." and they understood me. This is the delicious pie that I got:

Eating healthy

My husband and I don't earn a lot of money. But we have something that many of the richest people on earth don't have: plenty of fresh organic food which is completely free.

I took this photo on Saturday:
- lettuce: from my garden
- bluberries and chanterelles:  picked by me in a beautiful forest
- zucchinis: from my granny's garden (mine are only starting to grow now)
- terragon: from my garden
- cherries: picked by mom on a neighours' tree
- raspberries: picked by mom on her garden
- eggs: from my uncle's hens

I feel very rich  :)

Finding joy beyond childlessness

I have just read Pamela's post about the book "Finding joy beyond childlessness": 
https://blog.silentsorority.com/finding-joy-beyond-childlessness/

I haven't read it yet, I am looking forward to reading it in winter.

I loved the quote from this book:
“I use the term childless here. To be honest I hate it and it’s not a label I claim. It seems bizarre to define ourselves by something we don’t have, but to date I haven’t found anything better and it’s what many people search for online, so I use it with reluctance. Some say that in time you get to a place where you call yourself childfree. I don’t. To me childfree describes those who made a conscious choice not to have children. Childless describes those of us who wanted to be a mother and when it didn’t happen, struggled to come to terms with our life. You thought that motherhood was your path, and now that it’s not going to happen you don’t know who you are in the world.”

I loved Pamela's 6-word memoir: "Shattered Life Creates Unexpectedly Beautiful Mosaic". 

Here is my 18-word memoir:

"This is not the life that I planned, but no other life would I like to have more."

Photos from short holidays on the sea

I've just come back from short mini break. We were on the island Krk, Croatia.  Everything was just perfect (except terrible traffic jams to reach it). We even swam in the sea!

Two Worlds (A guest post written by Léa)

As long as I remember, I have always seen me in a future life surrounded by children. Having children was not a wish, it was an evidence about which I didn’t even have to think. The desire to have children arose only because what I had imagined didn’t come true after some time. It is as if experiencing infertility had woken me up. Something in me got broken, resulting in the end of what I would call an age of innocence. Even if life does offer us a child one day, infertility has forever made me into a different person and I see life through a different lens.

Now for me, the world seems to be split into two parts. Not between parents and non parents, but between people for who having children is the most natural thing on earth and those who had to acknowledge that it is not so: on the one hand, a majority of naive people, parents and non parents alike; on the other hand, a silent minority, infertile people as well as very few of their relatives and friends. Only this silent minority can see that the way to parenthood is uncertain, paved with fear, pain and loss.

Incredibly enough, the first group is totally unaware of the existence of the second one. Of course, everybody knows that something called infertility exists, but this knowledge is very theoretical. Most people think it is a temporary condition which can nowadays be solved with the help of medicine. Very few suspect how deeply the experience of infertility can change a person and affect your being, your feelings, your way of thinking and acting.

On the other hand, infertile people are quite often unable to identify who is on their side. While parents naturally form a group, meeting in places like schools and playgrounds, benefiting from legitimate privileges organised by the society (whose interest is to perpetuate), infertile people have to overcome huge barriers to get in contact with peers in their daily life. Indeed, parents can for obvious reasons find each other easily, but how can a group come together based on something its members are missing?

The burden of infertile people is so heavy because they very often have to go through profound grieve, experience loss and shattered dreams alone. They are facing the disbelief and the inability to understand of most of the people around them, and unable to identify people suffering the same pain. From my experience, the only meaningful help came from online communities. Various inputs from all over the world gave me the strength to think of a fulfilling life without children.

I had lunch this week with several colleagues. One of them will get married soon and wants to keep her birth name. Another colleague told her: “Anyway, you are only delaying the question of choosing between the family name of your husband and yours, as it will arise again when you will get children”. I thought this was a perfect illustration of these two worlds. I would never utter such a sentence. Maybe my colleague doesn’t want children, or she already knows she cannot have her own. But for the other colleague, there is neither a doubt about the fact that a married couple wants children, nor is there a possibility that this desire may not be fulfilled. I try not to judge these people too harshly: I used to think like them. But I wish that one day, infertility will get the awareness it deserves and that more and more persons will have consideration for the sensitivity of those who are facing this very existential crisis.

Written by:   Léa, Europe  

Aunt Mila

A friend of mine told me years ago a story about her beloved aunt Mila who was childless. She and her cousins adored her since she was always an aunt who did fun things with the kids.

When she died (aged around 83) her nephews and nieces talked about her. One of them said: "Can you imagine how would it be if she had children of her own?" And all of them replied: "No, it would be horrible... she wouldn't have any time for us."

A friend of mine told me this story when I was in the darkest years of my infertility. I hated the story. And I hated her for telling me this, I found it very selfish.

Now I think this is one of the most beautiful stories I have ever heard.

Sometimes I change the names for the blog. But Aunt Mila's name is her real name.

***
I have just noticed that I have a new FB request for friendship. I checked and it was my best friend's 12-year-old son. He added first his parents, then two cousins. And the fifth person am I! How cool is that!  I love being an aunt figure also to the kids who are not family.

***
Other lovely story from few days ago. I visited a coworker of mine, I planned to stay there only for five minutes... she brought me something from work that I needed. She invited me in and also her 7-year-old girl joined us. After few minutes she asked me if she could read a story for me.So she read the entire story ... it was just priceless. The child's mother commented that I have beautiful energy that children love.

This compliment made me think of Dolly Parton who said: "God has a plan for everything. I think it probably was his plan for me not to have kids so everybody's kids could be mine."

And it made me think of aunt Mila.

Precious paintings

I invited my nieces and nephews to visit our new house (in construction). I asked them to make a painting in front of the house and here are some of the paitings.

I love the first one which was painted by two six olds. The niece painted the sun. The nephew painted me. And he proudly commented: "This is you, walking on the sun." How cute is that!

The second was painted by an eight-old niece. It is lovely to see my husband and me and our house under the bright sun :)

Looking forward to a fresh start

I have just celebrated 20 years since I got my first job. In 20 years I haven't been unemployed not even for one single day. Which means that except for 20 days of holiday that I get each year that I have been working constantly for 20 years.

Almost all my coworkers have 2 children which means that they all had two breaks of one year when they completely changed their daily routine. There hasn't been any change for me.

I am dreaming of doing something else. Like taking a sabbatical year (very uncommon here). Or just quitting.  But what I am truly afraid is that when I would start looking again after a year, nobody will want to hire a woman who is approaching her 50th birthday.

Not that now is a good time to quit the job... we urgently need all money possible to finish building of our house.

But it is still lovely to dream.

***
In order to finish the house we have to sell our apartment. There were very first visitors yesterday. A young couple in early thirties, they are expecting a first child. She loved the apartment, but I guess they will buy the apartment is some cheaper part of the country. She walked around the flat, focusing on the room that was in the long past a room for a child, for the last 15 years has been used only as a clutter room.

I wasn't sad watching that young woman. It is a lovely apartment with perfect location for a young family. Perhaps it is time that there is  children's laughter again.

It will be - at least for me - hard to leave this flat. I know that those walls heard lots of my tears, but looking back, what really stayed in my heart are our happy memories. And there were so many of them!

Deep in my heart I know it is time for us for a fresh start. We are both looking forward to it!

Licence for giving birth

I went for lunch with my coworkers. We were entering the small elevator, there were six of us,  when one made a joke and said: "The elevator is for seven so if only one of us in pregnant, it is OK. If there are more pregnant, there are too many of us." 

One of them (mother of two) said: "I am not pregnant, I have already returned my licence for giving births." One (very young one) said: "I am not pregnant, I haven't got the licence yet."

They all laughed, they thought it was a brilliant joke. Nobody seemed to notice that I remained silent.  

What should I add?  That when I was in the right time for giving birth the licence was rejected?

In moments like that I realize how I don't fit in and I never will. I truly think that even when I am 80, I will not find jokes like that funny.

NaughtyAuntKlara

I have read a very good article recently on NY Times:
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/03/21/well/family/the-maternal-grandparent-advantage.html

that explains maternal grandparent advantage. When reading this article I realized that it confirms what I have always known - there is also a maternal aunt advantage.

I have two nieces and I always try to get permission from their parents (which in reality means permission of my sister-in-law) to do some fun stuff together. And 4 times out of 5 my request is denied - for whatever lame excuse. It is such a pity - because the girls love me. And I love them.

The truth is that I was humiliated many times. If it wasn't for the girls, I would just give up.

But I don't want them growing up thinking that I don't love them. Because that is what they would think - because they would know that I am always taking only my cousin's kids for fun activities.

The older niece is almost a teenager, so currently I am not very interesting for her. But the little one, aged six, is in the best age for cuddling with her aunt. Whenever she sees me she jumps into my lap and cuddles like no other ever cuddled with me. She is so sweet.

And then there are my cousin's kids (this is my cousin with whom we lived all our childhood together in one house so she feels like my sister). There I have a maternal aunt advantage.

My cousin was checking the contacts that her almost 9-year-old daughter has in her mobile when she saw how the little one saved my number: NaughtyAuntKlara. 

My cousin asked her daughter whether Klara is her aunt and the little one confirmed.  So sweet!

I know that when the kids come into teenage years I will loose them, most probably for good. I decided not to worry about that loss now. I will only enjoy in the moments that I have with them now. It is lovely to be a part of their childhood.

Being fed up with being quiet

I have a coworker (a mother of two young boys) that really is one of the kindest people I know. But she is so focused on being a mum that she unintentionally hurts me many times. 

She was checking one client's application form with demographic data when she noticed that they have three children. She commented: "When seeing parents with three children I always wonder how do they handle everything. Parenting three children must me awfully lot of work."

I am always quiet. But somehow I was so fed up being quiet so I said: "When seeing parents with three children I always wonder if they know how incredibly lucky they are."

***

We have our very first guests confirmed for a visit in our new home. A dear bloggie-pen-friend of mine is coming from Netherlands, together with her husband and their little girl.  It feels therapeutic, being able to host a family with young child.  I can't imagine doing that five years ago.

Via my blog I have already met one little girl from France that I immediately loved (and also her mother).

It is a liberating feeling, not dividing the women to mothers and non mothers any more.
I divide now women to the ones with kind compassionate heart and to the ones without.

Being a part of life-after-infertility community

I had an awkward visit. It was from a friend from my youth. We were never close friends, but we did spend plenty of lovely days together, going to the mountains, with a group of friends. Together we climbed also our highest mountain (almost 3.000 meters high). 

I invited her to our home. It was nice at the beginning.  We haven't seen each other for 15 years so there was lots of catching up. She told me about her lovely daughters. I told her about my infertility.  It was OK at first, but then the silly questions appeared:

• Did I consider trying some additional IVFs?  (=no, I haven't. If the IVFs didn't work when I was 32, they for sure won't work now that I am almost 45). 
• Did I consider adoption?  Her close friend adopted twins from Ghana and they are sooooooo happy together. (=yes, of course we considered it but no, thank you, it is not for us). 

And at the end, when already leaving for a medical appointment, she told me that she is pregnant (she is 3 years younger then me).    I wish her all the best, but I don't think I am interested in another coffee with her and being a part of her pregnancy.

It is not because she is a mother. (My best friend is a mother.) It is because of the silly questions.

***
Otherwise it was a good week. The construction works with the house are going very well. And the link to my blog was published in some of my favourite bloggie friends' blogs:
http://theroadlesstravelledlb.blogspot.si/2018/04/not-same.html
http://nokiddinginnz.blogspot.si/2018/04/childless-success-stories-revisited-our.html 
https://infertilephoenix.blogspot.si/2018/04/feeling-understood.html 
It is a lovely feeling. My thoughts and my feelings  matter. It means a world to be  - being a part of life-after-infertility community. 

Meeting a neighbour

I went to a shopping centre when somebody called my name and greeted me very warmly. It was my neighbour, fifteen years older then me, she is a cleaning lady there. I don't know her well, so I didn't know where she worked.

We started to chat and somewhere in the middle of conversation I asked her how are her granddaughters.  When we moved in -  fifteen years ago - I saw her very often with two little girls so I assumed they were her granddaughters.

When I asked her, her eyes became wet and told me that she didn't have any children because she couldn't have them. The girls are her husband's niece's daughters.

I apologized to her for my question. I added that I also couldn't have children.

It was as if she had been waiting all life for someone who would understand her pain, so she started to tell me all the story.

I was sad for her pain. You see, it was even much harder for her to survive the infertility as for me. In her times, most of women had children much younger which means it was more likely that they could have them. And she suffered infertility without being able to connect on internet with women who would understand her.

She told me that the two little girls loved them so much when they were little. They were always buying them the most expensive gifts, whatever they wished for. Now they are teenagers so they never come. Except when the uncle and aunt invite them for a shopping trip.

It is another confirmation for me that I want to remain auntie who never buys material things. I am auntie who takes kids for fun activities.  My latest activity with them is inviting them twice per month to my home to learn German. Main tool of learning: watching cartoons in German & listening to songs on youtube. I enjoy it a lot. 

Being sorry for someone I don't know

A friend of mine told me a story about her coworker. I don't know her, but I know her husband since we went to the same school.  They have been trying to have a child for years, without any success. Now they are having IVF and he gave her an ultimatum: if it doesn't work, he wants a divorce.

I don't know this girl, but I feel so sorry for her. I am sorry that she is struggling with infertility. I am sorry that she married someone who is handsome on outside but has black cruel soul. And I am sorry that she has a friend who is not a friend at all - she told this very personal humiliating information to her and she told few others who told the rest. 

I hope she heals and that one day she finds the love of her life. Since that man for sure isn't.

Writing

Sometimes I see something and it stays with me for whole day. Like Elaine's latest post:
http://www.elaineok.com/ein-paar-ohne-kind/
The music and dancing are just beautiful!
Elaine writes how she and her husband were forced to learn new dance steps.
And so did we.

***

Sometimes I think that perhaps I don't have much to contribute to IF community since the darkest days of my infertility are way behind me.

But whenever I start thinking about quitting there is some lovely reminder that what I feel & think & write does matter. Like comment that  Infertile Phoenix's  left for me on her post:
https://infertilephoenix.blogspot.si/2018/02/unwanted-shower-invitation.html

"Thank you Klara! So much of my confidence in taking care of myself I learned from you. Before I started this blog I read your whole blog, and I received that message from you over and over. Other people do not understand this life--I have to take care of myself. So thank you for your comments but especially thank you for all of your help over the years. <3"

Dear Phoenix... thank you for this comment! I am so very happy that I can help someone who is 10 years younger then me.  Wishing you all the best! 

xo

Klara

Home, sweet home :)

I am very proud - I baked my husband's favourite cookies and they are delicious! The reason for baking: I wanted to do something special, to celebrate a very special moment for us.

We have been working on a blueprint of our house for years.  It is pre-fab house, they started to build it few days ago. Today was the very first time that we could go inside, and see all the rooms. It is just priceless - walking the rooms of our house for the very first time.

We are so very happy :) :)

The last time we were so happy was 15 years ago, when we bought our apartment, moved in, got married one month later and then went to our honeymoon for one month (Canada & USA, riding 10.000 kilometers with Amtrak and Viarail). 

And then, for the last 15 years we didn't have any big news.

We just love the process of building the house (although it is stressful from time to time).

We are looking forward to late autumn when we move in :)  

I am so ready for the menopause

I am so ready for the menopause. I am tired of constant bleeding & spotting.

I went to see my gyn today, for the first time in three years. She wasn't worried, but did some tests anyway.

The visit brought many painful memories back.  While having ultrasound I remembered how hurtful egg retrievals (without any anesthesia) were. 

I am so glad that I am 44. And done for good with all infertility treatments. 

Having time

For many years I feared Saturdays. Saturday is a day that my husband always works and I never. During the darkest years of my infertility I found it hard to fill time. I felt lonely many times.

I don't know when it changed but I love Saturdays now. This is the day of the week that it is completely up to me. I can do whatever I wish.

Yesterday I visited my granny who takes care (together with the rest of the family) after her childless 85-year-old sister.  They have also a cat, but the cat is not allowed to go inside.

It was only yesterday that it occurred me that perhaps the old aunt would to see the cat. Since she has been in bed for the last three years, she can't even look outside to see the cat. So I let the cat inside (my granny wasn't happy about it) and the cat immediately started to cuddle with the aunt. It was a perfect moment - I loved it that I was able to do something kind for an old helpless person.

This was the moment that I decided - when I am very old - I want to find for me and my husband a nursing home that includes some pets (at least one cat).

Our old age is luckily many decades away, so I decided not to worry about it now.


After the visit I took my beloved Wolf for a long walk through the snowy forest. We both enjoyed it.

Everybody’s kids

I had to work few weeks ago on a business event for few days. I was talking with lots of colleagues that come from the same industry as I do, among others I met a lovely 24-year-old girl.  We talked about lots of things, among other she told me that she is freshly in love and described him. On the day number 3 she came to me and said that she was sorry, but that she lied to me. She explained that at the beginning she wasn't sure whether she could trust me or not. And that she wished to share with me that her new love was a girl. It was a lovely feeling - that there was a young person who trusted me. 

After the event we stayed in touch via email. Few days ago she wrote me that she would love to meet me, together with her girl-friend.  I invited them to my home town (by the way: it is very pretty) for a walk & tea & apple pie.

I was honoured, that a girl that could easily be my daughter doesn't see me as an old boring person :)

It made me think of  Dolly Parton and her  thought that everybody’s kids could be hers.  When I think about this young girl, I feel the same. I don't have children, but this doesn't  mean that I don't have contacts with the next generation.

I guess that this girl sensed that I do not have a traditional life. That I am different. And she is different too, in other way. So she feels comfortable talking to me since she feels I am not someone who judges others.

I am looking forward to meeting them.

Count your blessings

Most of people deleted me (and my husband) from their invitation lists. I can't blame them. We have skipped countless kids' birthdays and other events that included mainly families with kids.

But there is one exception, my cousin. I declined her invitation to 13 birthday parties of her two kids and yet, she still sent us an invitation. It wasn't kids' birthday, it was family occasion. So I thought we could go, just to show gratitude for not deleting us from their lives.

We went and it was OK. Yes, there was some silly comments that I hated. Like -  now you have to make the third child!  (it was said by the mother of three to my cousin).

There were approximately 10 kids under 10. When I couldn't listen to adults any more, I just accepted kids' invitation to play outside (hide & seek) and it was great fun!

I am still not 100 % functional among adults (and I guess I will never be, I am already having some issues with new "grannies" who are only like few years older then me). But among children - at least the ones above 3 years - I feel perfectly fine.

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Count your blessings is the expression that I love. One of my blessings is time spent with my mom's cousin who has cancer. I have been bringing her books from the library for the last few years. I am also keeping list (well, it is copy-paste from the library system) where she marks me all the books she loved the most. So far I brought her around 300 books.  I love talking to her. About books. About life.

The last time I visited her  she said that she knows how much I wished to have children of my own (=I never talked about my infertility with her), but that she just wanted me to know something. She said that once an older friend told her something and it stayed with her because it is so true: "When your children are little, they drink your milk. When they grow up, they drink your blood."

She knows what she is talking about. She has a son who hasn't spoken to her for more then a decade.

We both had tears in our eyes when we talked. Me because of my unfulfilled dreams. She because of the pain caused by her son. It was a therapeutic for both of us.

The hardest thing I've ever done

This Christmas / New Year period I got only two new emails from readers of my blog. Since they were so few I appreciate them even more. Thank you for taking time to write to me.

One of them wrote that giving up the dream of her children is also the hardest thing she has ever done.  I couldn't agree more. This was the hardest thing I've ever done.

A candle for a friend

I got an email  today from a husband of a friend (from the time of IVFs). He wished me a happy new year and then wrote that sadly his wife passed away few days ago, leaving him alone with their son. 

I am so sorry for him. And I am so sorry that a 7-year-old boy will have to grow up without his mother.

I had an amazing support group during the times of all infertility treatments. But one by one they were getting babies (in a country where 6 IVFs are completely free of charge most of the women do get what they wish for). I no longer belonged to their group. They were still nice, inviting me to their events, but I could not - in the darkest days of my infertility - go to meetings where there was only one topic: pregnancies, newborns, toddlers...

So I stopped going to their reunions.

This friend even wrote to me couple of times after the birth of the child. I said congratulations and best wishes for the baby. She invited me to see the baby. Can't really remember what I replied, but probably that I am not ready for meeting the child and that I will get back to her when I am ready.

I wasn't ready for many years and when I was ready, I forgot about her and she forgot about me.   But yet ... my email was somewhere there for her husband to find and let me know about the tragedy.

If you didn't go through infertility you probably think I am selfish b****.
If you did go, then you understand... it is self-preservation. Without it I literally could not survive accepting childless life after the infertility.

I sent email with condolences to her husband and their little boy.

And I will lit a little candle in her memory now.

I can't do anything else.

Happy and Healthy New Year!

In my country we never wish only for a happy new year, good wishes should be always in combination with health.

So, my dear readers, I am wishing you a very Happy and Healthy New Year! 


PS: photo was taken almost 12 years ago, while travelling around Patagonia (on the photo: breathtaking beautiful glacier Perito Moreno). My therapy during the years of failed IVFs was travelling. Always when heartbroken the only thing that worked for me was buying a plane ticket and fly far away for few weeks together with my husband. Since we had 10 failed IVFs we have seen quite some of the world :)  One of these days I will make "best of" travelling photos from that time.