I am a 40-something European woman doing what I once thought wasn't possible: finding happiness after infertility. While it's been a long, difficult and emotional journey (10 unsuccessful IVF treatments), each day I take another step down the path toward a fulfilling new life. This is my story of reinvention.
I will be happy to hear from you: klara.soncek (@ ) gmail.com
How lonely would I be without internet? In the past few years I met so many wonderful Sisters in infertility! Most of you I know only via typing, but some of you also in person. How lonely would be my world without you! I am so happy I wasn't born few decades earlier... nothing of that would be possible.
I am new in blogging, so I am still learning. Today I discovered that I can check where my readers are from. My current statistics: USA, Canada, New Zealand, Russia, Netherlands, Ukraine. Thank you all for reading my blog. And thank you Pamela, for recommending my blog on twitter. And thank you Mali, for adding my blog in your reading list. I promise, after writing for another 15000 days in English, it will get better :)
Since the year is coming to an end, I can do an inventary. About the most unsensitive comment I heard this year. Well, there were quite some of them of the people who do not know my personal story, so different remarks (or stupid jokes) generally do not hurt me. But there is my coworker who knows my story really well. She is a mother of two adorable daughters. And some weeks ago she started to explain me, that her whole life she was dreaming about giving a birth and then immediately afther giving birth she would get her baby on her chest, greeting it for the first time. But the fate robbed her of this special moment, since she had to have Caesarean section twice. And this makes her so sad because she feels as not giving birth at all.
Duh? My dear co-worker: you can traumatize about C-cections to whoever you wish. But please, NOT to me!
Have you ever heard of Ded Moroz (Russian:Дед Мороз, diminutive: Dedushka Moroz)? Ded Moroz is a fictional character who in some Slavic cultures plays a role similar to that of Santa Claus.The literal translation of the name would be Grandfather Frost, although the name is often translated as Father Frost. Ded Moroz is said to bring presents to children, however, unlike the secretive Santa Claus, the gifts are often delivered "in person", at New Year celebrations.
Yesterday I took my 4-year-old niece for the first time to the carneval of "Ded Moroz". And there were millions of parents with their children. And the two of us. I had a lovely time, and so did the niece. And in the middle of the carneval I reallized, that I do have a wonderful life. It is just that for the last 8 years I was so focused on the things that I can not have, that I completely forgot about all the wonderful things I do have in my life.
BTW: it was also great to return the niece to my brother. And than enjoy a quiet evening with my husband.
The last few years were really hard. We had 10 failed IVF treatments in five clinics in three countries. We had our hearts broken for a million times. We were so sad for all of our embies who didn't have enough strength to live more than a few days.
We had the last treatment in autumn and it was the hardest because of all the increased drugs the doctors prescribed me. I had so many horrible side effects that I made a promise to myself: if the side effects go away I will never ever take any infertility drug again. Luckily, the side effects went away after two months, and I am sticking to the promise I made myself.
I know one may ask, why so many treatments?
The explanation is simple. For me, till now, it was always easiser to endure all the physical pain compared to the pain I had to go through when I faced the decision to stop trying and to embrace a childfree life. In my country we have six IVF treatments completely free of charge. So, many women just jump from one treatment to another without even taking a break or thinking of the side effects that all the drugs can leave.
With the help of our computer I was playing with numbers a bit. Just a few days before Christmas we will celebrate 3,000 days since our wedding day. Our first 3,000 days were mainly sad. Of course, there were also lots of great things. The greatest was that I realized I married the love of my life; all the pain brought us even closer together. If we are lucky, another 15,000 days are waiting for us. So, we decided to start living a new, happy life. We lost, already, enough days being sad. We just don't want to lose another day.
Christmas is coming, and for the first time in years I am actually looking forward to it. Our capital, Ljubljana, is already in Christmas lights. It is beautiful! And Winter solstice is nearing — when the night is the longest and the darkest. After it ... the dark gets shorter and the day gets longer.
I like this symbolism a lot.
I began a list of all the positive things that my new decision brings. Some are important, some are small ... but everything helps.
I don't have to save money for the next treatment. This December I enjoy spending money. For books on BookDepository. For movies with my husband. For enjoying delicious cakes in cozy coffee shops with my friends.
I don't have to save free days at work for future treatments. I have 10 days off from work around Christmas and New Year. For the first time since we married we are spending New Year's Eve abroad. Can't wait!
They are downsizing in the company where I work. It will be clear within weeks if me and my coworkers will be made redundant or not. Coworkers with kids worry so much. But I do not. I am not responsible for anybody else so I can afford not to earn anything for a while. And I don't mind finding another job even if far away from home. Being childfree gives me flexibility.
It is our busy season at work now. My coworkers with kids are always so nervouse at four, the high time, when they leave the office and pick up their kids in kindergarden. I realized it is quite nice — always to be able to finish work without the pressure of time.
We started to dream about our next holidays. Our favorites so far are: Malaysia; Japan; Australia; USA; Canada. We love traveling so much!
What was (or is) on your list of positive things for the period when you started a New Life? All ideas welcome! They will help me and the others who read my new blog. Lots of love from sLOVEnia, Klara