I am a 40-something European woman doing what I once thought wasn't possible: finding happiness after infertility. While it's been a long, difficult and emotional journey (10 unsuccessful IVF treatments), each day I take another step down the path toward a fulfilling new life. This is my story of reinvention.
I will be happy to hear from you: klara.soncek (@ ) gmail.com
I had an annual pelvic exam today. I entered to the waiting room and it was a huge relief to see that nobody is waiting. Usually the waiting room is full with pregnant women.
There were tons of different posters, commercials, fliers for pregnant women and women with infants. Then I had noticed small fliers with a title: "Angels with wet wings do not fly." I liked the saying, so I opened the booklet, since I was so sure it was something about infertility. No, infertility does not exist in that waiting room. It was info regarding postnatal depression.
I was called to a nurse, it is the same one who is handeling me for the last two decades. Her first question was: "Any delivery?" I felt like screaming. I didn't scream. I just replied quietly "No".
She could only open my documents - it is all there. That I had 10 failed IVFs. No delivery. No baby.
Writing about it sounds silly. It hurt then. Now I couldn't care less.
If you get a big problem, you forget about the small ones.
My gynecologist was very kind, as always.
She found a cyst, almost 5 cm long, in my ovary. She said that it could be nothing. But it could be cancer.
Till today I didn't even know that a test with a name CA 125 exists:
"It didn't happen. No doctor has been able to explain to me why I can't get pregnant. I'm young enough, fit enough, I wasn't drinking heavily when we were trying..... We did one round of IVF, which was all we could afford. It was, as everyone had warned us it would be, unpleasant and unsuccessful. Nobody warned me it would break us. But it did. Or rather, it broke me, and then I broke us."
"The thing about being barren is that you're not allowed to get away from it. Not when you're in your thirties. My friends were having children, friends of friends were having children, pregnancy and birth and first birthday parties were everywhere. I was asked about it, all the time. My mother, our friends, colleagues at work. When was it going to be my turn?"
I had a nice weekend. I spent it working abroad & having lots of time for reading. What else can you do in the evening in a large city you don't know and is occupied by immigrants? I went for an evening walk once, but did not feel safe, so I returned to hotel, back to reading.
I loved the novel. The quotes above describe Rachel, main character of the novel. Childless not by choice. It makes me wonder if the author of the book went through infertility? Or does she have a friend who went through it?
I borrowed Nora Ephron's book from my best friend and just loved loved loved everything about the book. Except this part:
"...the impatience childless people have for people with children..."
I am really sorry that the author passed away. Otherwise I could explain to her that me, as a childless person do not have impatience for people with children. But I do have impatience for not behaved people with children with bad behaviour.
But do not this comment stop you from reading. It is a brilliant book.
Daisy passed her final English test with 55 % and this was enough for positive mark. I was very happy (obviously also she and her parents were).
I kept meeting Daisy and her younger sister (one year younger) all summer, they live very close by. And also the younger was very interested in me- she started chatting with me whenever we met, she is also very cute.
I offered their mother that I can teach both girls, together. And since the younger one is so eager to learn, they agreed. So now I always have both girls together. It is fun. They bring colours into our flat.
Photo was taken today. I gave them a little test. They had to write colours of the balloons and a prize (one balloon) was promised if they write well. Obviously they wrote well, so they could choose a balloon. And I gave two extra balloons for their baby sisters. It is lovely to see joy caused with such small gifts.
I love that I can use my creativity. For example. They love movie Frozen, they always watch it in our language (you can listen my language here):
They loved hearing it in English:
I am never sad when they are here. And I am not sad when they leave.
I just wish that I had two little girls of my own.... I guess I will always wish that.
I was reading an interview with a famous Italian writer Margaret Mazzantini. I really liked her. And hated at the same time. Why? She is a mother of four children and yet in one of her novels she writes about infertility. That made me angry - no mother of four can write about infertility. So I wanted to read that particular book, but it is still not available in our library. So I took another one, "Don't Move".
Here is a plot: Timoteo: high-flying career as a surgeon, beautiful wife, luxurious apartment, villa by the sea - he seems the epitome of success and glamour. But then his daughter has an accident and is rushed to the hospital in a coma. A colleague operates on her, and while the agonised Timoteo awaits the outcome, he holds the reader in the vice-like grip of his confession. For, beneath the veneer of his apparently charmed life, there is a story of squalor, degradation, deceit and strange passion. The story of a doomed love affair with a woman who, from the moment Timoteo meets her, undermines everything he thought he knew about himself.
I just loved the novel, it is brilliant. I could not stop reading it. I woke up today at 5:30 just because I wanted to finish it. I wish I could write as Margaret Mazzantini, I love her style of writing.
This is one of the silver linings of infertility.
Having time to read on grey rainy Saturday morning. My husband left for work. And I have a whole day just for myself. First task: to go to the library and find a new good book to read.
It was the first day of school today.
I am always a bit sad on this day.
I think about all of our children who were never born.
I think about kids school books that I will never be able to buy.
I know. I should be grateful for the things that I do have in life and not regret the things that were not meant to be. It is easy to write down sentences like that. But it is harder to really feel that way.