Monday, April 17, 2017


I read this incredible story five years ago: 

I watched the movie filmed after that story yesterday, I loved it! Thank you, Elaine, for recommending the movie.

Thursday, April 13, 2017

The Facts of Life

I just read this great post. I have to read this book one day!
One sentence from this book really touched my soul:

"She feels guilty about Jack not having the chance to become a father because of her defective body"

This is how I have felt for the last 14 years. I robbed my beloved husband of possibility of having children. 


I have been doing very well lately. But still, there are plenty of remainders that I am not healed. I might never be, at least not completely.

I have just met a distant relative, he is only few years older then me. I know that his daughter will have a firstborn soon so I wanted to be polite and asked when the child would be born. He replied: "After 9 months."    I found the reply not funny at all. To make the thing even worse - he commented further - that now it will be a very difficult time for him. Silly me - but I asked him what did he mean and replied: "From now on I will always have to sleep with a granny."
That kind of  joke is completely ridicolous when you tell it to an infertile woman.

I had to put the anger somewhere so I went cycling. On a way home I saw my school-friend with his  babies, both aged under 2. As a dear pen-friend of mine wrote - it is not fair that men so easily get a second chance (he already has adult children). I am over 40 so my child-bearing years are long over. And what is even sadder - they never began at the first place.

I have been enjoying teaching a teenage boy (he is almost 17 now). It is lovely to observe his transformation from rebellious teen to a kind polite young man. I don't want to boast but I really think that his mom (who is more or less my age) adores me - the way how I adjust my teaching techniques. Teaching is good for me as well - I have improved my English and German a lot!
I like chatting to the boy's mom. The conversation is   mostly about her boy - but it is nice. Talking about him never hurts me. After all, somehow the boy became part of my life, after teaching him for two years. But last time she had the need to share with me a sweet story how she announced her pregnancy to her husband. This story hurt, I didn't want to know the details that I know now. I listened but then I used the first opportunity to escape.

There is a good news. I have a good colleague at work who is pregnant. As far as I can remember, this is the first pregnancy after my infertility that I am handeling very well. I am actually looking forward that her daughter is born. So I guess  it is a small step towards healing.

Friday, April 7, 2017


I have just returned from Milan, from a short business trip. It was lovely to be able to walk every evening in the beautiful historic city centre. But it was aweful to ride in hot overcrowded metro every day. I didn't feel safe at all. I am very glad to be back home in my small green country.

So basically what I wanted to say is that I am still here. I am just too busy right now to write. And what's even more important - I don't have time for any negative thoughts regarding my childlessness.

It feels good, living my life. It really doesn't make any sense to regret not having the life that obviously just wasn't meant for me.

Saturday, March 25, 2017

Planning for the future

I have  been very busy lately.  Gathering offers for the house, deciding, making financial projections, doing the strategies for dealing the price is stressful. But overall it is great. It feels good - to take the destiny in our own hands and plan for our future.

Somehow I am grateful that we didn't have enough money to build the house when we got married. We have learnt so much from then. For example: a) that we don't need much space, a small house will do just perfectly for the two of us   b)  house will  already be equipped with a  bedroom and a bathroom for guests in the ground floor. We hope that this will serve this purpose for many decades to come . But this is also a back plan for an old age - if one of us won't be able to walk the stairs any more, we will simply move to the bedroom downstairs. So when a young sales person tried to persuade us that it is much better idea to have downstairs just a huge living room, my husband and I looked at each other and smiled. It felt good, taking destiny in our hands. We really don't want to be dependent on anybody when old.  

Have you read Mali's post from the beginning of March? I just loved it!

... And it feels good knowing, with whom I want to spend the rest of my life.

Saturday, March 18, 2017

Choosing or Accepting a Childfree Life After Infertility

Few months ago I had a written interview with a journalist, Mrs. Rachel Gurevich.  Here is her beautiful article:

I am not quoted, but it is lovely to see my thoughts in the article. For example here:

Some feel the term childfree doesn’t reflect the emotional pain that brought them to this life situation. Childfree, they argue, is for those who actually chose to be without children from the beginning. Childless is the term for those who wanted children but could not have them.

Thursday, March 16, 2017

Wonderful news

I have some wonderful news. We managed to arrange some unsolved issues with the land that we bought many years ago. So now we are in the process of choosing the right prefabricated house for the two of us. 

If everything goes well (please, do keep your fingers crossed) we will move to our new home by Christmas 2018.

We are both very happy and very excited! 

Saturday, March 11, 2017

Image that haunts me

I have been planning to write down some beautiful news today, but the only thing that I have in my mind is something horrible that I saw yesterday.

I had a lovely 2-hour-long walk with Wolfie. I love walking with him so much! When walking to a neighbouring village, I heard some animal crying. I looked ... and saw people slaughtering a pig. The pig was hanging with back legs from the ceiling, trying to free itself. Obviously it couldn't.

The picture of the pig haunts me.

This is so sad, all the animals suffering.

Do you know what is the worst part of my business trips to Italy? Seeing hundreds of trucks, full with living animals from cheap European countries, headed to west Europe, where they are then slaughtered. I find this extremely sad - that in European Union this is allowed - transport of living animals, also in hot summer, and distances over thousand kilometers.

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Emotional Labour & Childless Women

Infertility robbed me of many things. But what it brought me is the feeling that I am connected with lots of kind souls  all our the world.

I read this morning Loribeth's post about Emotional Labour and Childless Women. 

I just love her list:
  • If women's time is considered less valuable than men's, childless women's time is devalued even more so. For example, there is an expectation that we will cheerfully pitch in to cover for parenting coworkers who need to stay home with a sick child or leave early to attend their child's school event.  Our own requests for flexibility are often deemed less important or "legitimate".
  • In the same vein, there's an expectation that childless women will be available to care for aging parents, help them with errands and take them to appointments, more so than our siblings with children (even if they live closer to Mom & Dad than we do).
  • Parents assume that, because we don't have children, we have a lot of discretionary income to spend as we please.
  • We are expected to show interest in the children of our siblings, friends and relatives, and to listen attentively and sympathetically to parents' problems and stories about their children -- while our own interests and problems are often dismissed as less worthy of attention or ignored completely.  
  • We are expected to defer to parents in all matters related to children, even if we have our own knowledge and experiences to guide us and to share (e.g., childless teachers are often told they don't know anything about children, even though they spend the entire day a room full of them, 9 months a year, year after year).
  • Parents expect us to attend gender reveal parties, baby showers, christenings, first communions, confirmations, graduations, weddings and birthday parties to celebrate their children and the milestone events in their lives (oh yeah, and bring gifts!). Yet our own birthdays or other milestones are not always marked or celebrated in the same way.  
  • If we decline invitations to these events or fail to show sufficient enthusiasm for them, we are expected to provide explanations and/or made to feel like something is wrong with us. 
  • We are expected to justify our decision to continue living without children, while parents are rarely expected to justify why they decided to have children. Similarly, we are expected to explain why we didn't pursue this or that path to parenthood ("Have you thought about adoption? surrogacy? donor eggs?") -- even within the infertility community, where childless living (still) remains an unacceptable outcome for many pursuing treatment or adoption.

Thursday, February 23, 2017

What I realized last week

Advice for future bloggers (who blog about life after infertility): never tell your best girl friend about your blog. Since the people you love the most, can hurt you the most. I know that not intentionally, but still..

We have our walk&talk date agreed for weekend, but then very last minute she cancelled me since she had other plans (=some friends with kids had a party).

It hurts, being dumped so easily as soon as the better offer arrives.

And you see - all things that I do with my friends, are simple. Like walk & talk dates. Or just long talks over a coffee. I never organize any exciting parties (=infertility robbed me of lot of things; in reality I don't have many people left).  So I can not compete with grand plans that other people are offering.

What I realized this week is this: I always thought that when my friends' children will grow up, I will get my friends back.  But then I realized - the mothers who focus so much on their children, will also focus that much on their grandchildren. Which basically means I could get my friends truly back when their kids are 20, but only for about 7 years, until the time that the first grandchildren will start to arrive.

I'd better start to enjoy my alone time. Luckily with this handsome guy I am never alone (photo taken on Saturday, on our 4-hour-walk):

PS:  My husband is Wolfie's master. But I am Wolfie's favourite person in the entire world.

Sunday, February 19, 2017

Last week photos


I am fortunate that I can escape being closed in the office from time to time. I am sharing some last week's photos with you. 

I even went jogging along the seaside for the very first time this year. I couldn't manage more then 5 minutes, but felt great anyway.