250 beautiful photos

I just finished organizing 250 photos from the last 5 years in the albums.  I am a bit lazy so I develop photos only once in 3 - 5 years.

It was a lovely thought - how many wonderful moments did we have - me & my husband - in the last five years! 250 moments are there - on the photos. And there were plenty more.

When I am thinking of the last 8 years, when we had 10 failed IVF, I often see only all the pain and dissapointment and sorrow. But watching the photos today, I realized that there were also tons of wonderful moments.

I am attaching our small teddy bear, who went with us to Patagonia. He loved the glaciar Perito Moreno. So did we :)

Kindergarten

I have a coworker who I like a lot. We spent quite a lot of time together in the last two years, working on some projects. She lives in another town, so I never met her outside work.

Some days ago I had a meeting in her town, so she invited me to meet her family.   Since we were early, I went with her to a kindergarten to pick up the kids. I was in the kindergarten for the first time in my life. It felt awkward. I did not feel comfortable (I felt like I did not belong there, which is of course true), so I went outside to wait.

But meeting coworkers girls (aged 3 and 5) was lovely. They were so proud that mummy's friend came with their mummy to the kindergarten. The little one even yelled to her little friends: "Come on all and see who is here to pick me up!!!". It was a lovely moment.

I spent then  afternoon at their house and it was really nice.

I felt good afterwards. Because even a year or two ago.... I would felt devasted not having children and ALL the others have them. Of course even then I realiazed that not all have children, it just felt that way.

František & Eliška

More then two years ago, after the 9th failed IVF treatment me and my husband decided that it was time to try something new. Then we spent the whole year whether or not to decide for an egg donation. It was easier to decide that for my husband, since the child would have his genes. At the end I decided that I would love a child no matter what, so we booked a treatment in Czech Republic, Brno, clinic Reprofit. 

We spent whole year joking about our František & Eliška (working names for our future children, those are old Czech names, I guess nobody names children so any more). We talked about them so much that we were really sure that this time everything will work out.

My donor was 21-year-old girl (so young!!!),  on the day 5 after egg retrieval I got two expanded blastocists. We were so happy. And so sure that everything will work out. We were so looking forward to meeting František & Eliška in 9 months.

But my womb rejected them....  So obviously motherhood is really not something that is written in my destiny. 

As much as I regret that our dream did not come true, I will never ever try another treatment again. The last infertility drug I took in September, but I still have side affects now, before my period.

My New Year resolution was to take greater care of my body (eating healthier, get more excersise). And regarding no-more-infertility-drugs I decided already in autumn. I have to take care of me, otherwise you will not be able to read me for another 15,000 days :)

No other life would I like to have more

the first blog I have ever written was guest blog on Pamela's blog:
http://blog.silentsorority.com/2010/05/03/speaking-a-common-language-2.aspx 

I remember writing this guest blog almost two years ago, I cried for the whole week while writting it. It hurt so much to write it. Now all this pain is just a memory. I never imagined that then, but it does get easier. 

I used the name Lucy. The Slovenian version of the name Lucy is Lucija. And Lucija is for me the most beautiful name. My heart still hurts a little, when I find out of a new baby girl that was given "my" name. Luckily, there aren't many of them.

I still like this sentence:
And I really hope that one day (when I am old and grey) I will be able to say: this is not the life that I planned, but no other life would I like to have more.I still hope this.  But luckly there are still many years in front of me, before I am old and grey. And it is my job to make the most of them.