Some newsletters really suck

How I hate it that Time sends me a newsletter with the title "The best birth control no one is using".
So not interested!!!

Cycling & Lavender

Cycling always puts me into good mood. There is the road, there are steep hills, so I am focused only to that. No time for loneliness. No time for negative thoughts. 

I really wished to go cycling to the seaside, alone. But the weather forecast was bad for the coast, so I choose mountain tour. 

Almost 100 kilometers and lots of steep hills. But it was worth it, I feel great now.

Some photos attached.

In the hills, some streams are drinkable. I always drink from this one, it is delicious!

 Steep :)

St. Ciril & St. Metod under beautiful Linden trees

 This is the most beautiful village in my country. 

It is also a birthplace of famous painter: 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ivan_Grohar

Beautiful lavender - I got it as a gift from a kind old woman that I don't know. 

I just stopped by and asked them for water. 
Lavender really made the day even more beautiful. 

I am now drying it - so it will remain, as a remainder that there are kind people out there.

And that good things happen when least expected.

Good night & sweet dreams.

Blueberries & Chanterelles

Best recipe for shaking off negative thoughts?

Spending whole afternoon

completely alone

in the middle of a beautiful forest

picking up 

blueberries & chanterelles. 

I am the worst nightmare

A year and a half ago I met in a shopping centre a really nice girl that I knew from work. She worked in another company, but we worked together on many projects together ten to five years ago. We liked working together, sometimes we joked we are dream team. Then I changed work and we lost a contact. 

We were glad to see each other, we went for a coffee. We started to talk and we had the first personal talk ever. It turned out that she was just after fourth failed IVF cycle. 

I told her my story. It felt good to talk. We said to meet soon. 

After few weeks I sent her a message, inviting her for a coffee to my town. She declined, saying she was very busy at work and would call me. She never did.  I never invited her again, because I assumed I knew the reason.

And today, checking out my FB profile, it turned out that I was right.

There - on her profile - is a beautiful photo of her newborn daughter, born this morning.  

Yes, I was right. I am the worst nightmare for anybody who is not ready to give up hope of having biological children. I am the proof that sometimes, after fourth failed IVF there is only fifth failed IVF. 

But she was born under a lucky star - her dreams came true. Mine didn't. 

Time to change to my cycling gear and go on a short tour on my bike. It is a great tool to put away all negative thoughts.

I love summer

I spent much of my free time lately either cycling (800 kilometers this year so far) or working on my vegetable garden.  This year I have many flowers. It is lovely to watch the plants grow together (on the photo: camomile & peas). 

Being out, on fresh air helps to clear the mind and think clearly. To focus on the things that are important. Not to waste energy on the things that don't matter. 

I love summer and its long days.

New Beginnings and the Peace

I love this thought so much:

If I could climb into a time machine and meet with 2007 Klara, I would say with certainty: while there is no way to alleviate the pain of letting go of a dream, new beginnings and the peace you long for do indeed await.

I borrowed it from Pamela's  beautifully written post:
http://blog.silentsorority.com/infertilityblogosphere/

Really Happy not to have Children

Sometimes I am really really happy that we don't have children. Reason? 

If we had children, they would be born into a non democratic country in the middle of Europe. 

The same communist regime that ruled from the year 1945 is still ruling. It is disguised as new parties, but it is the same thing.

The leader of the Democratic party  has been convicted of corruption and sentenced to prison yesterday based on no evidence. The main reason: to eliminate him from the next election. 

I still think our country is one of the best places for a holiday. It just isn't a nice place for a living.

A proof

I came across your blog while searching for a proof that there is life after failed IF treatments, and you give me hope :) Your writing is so full of light and kindness, thank you so much for sharing.


This is a comment I got today on my blog from a new reader.
It made my day.

Seriously?

I am a member of only one hotel chain loyalty programme, sometimes I use it when on business trip.

Today I received a newsletter from them with a title:
Let us treat you to a buffet breakfast + your kids stay free.

Seriously?
Have I ever stayed in your hotels with my kids?

Small luxuries of a childless woman

One of my luxuries as a childless woman is having more available time for taking care of me.
On the photo above: I was picking up delicious blueberries for three hours with my mum in a forest not far away from us.

Another luxury: cooking what I like. 
On the photo above: carrots & potatoes from my granny's garden, with 5 different fresh herbs from my balcony.

Turning small talk to real talk

The goodbye party at the business event that I attended last weekend was really nice. Lots of delicious food. Beautiful beach. Blue sea. 5 star hotel. Tasty prosecco. Chatting to people that I met only two days before.

I started to chat with a kind woman, I thought she was my age (but it turned out she was 10 years older).  I found out she had three kids really young, so her children are already 25 - 30. Her face became filled with love when she was talking about them. Based on what she described me, I could picture myself her picture perfect family. A beautiful house. 3 kids. A successful husband. 

Then suddenly there was a question (she knew I was married since I mentioned our beautiful honeymoon 11 years ago): "So, do you have any children?" 
Me: "No."
She: "Well, you are still young, you have time."***
Me: "I am not young. We won't have children."
She (horrified): "You do not want to have children?????????????"
Me: "I do have 10 dead babies."

You should see the shock in her eyes. I did not plan to use this sentence again, it just came from the deepest part of my broken heart that will probably hurt for good.

She started to apologizing. And I said it is OK. That something life isn't as planned, but that you have to make the most of it. And that I was really broken, but I learn to accept my life as it is and live it to the fullest.

And then, suddenly, she started to talk to me. Really talk. She said that she always thought that having all that she and her husband have, will bring them complete satisfaction. And she is more then happy with what she has in life. But it has never been enough for his husband  - he has been having constant affairs for decades.  

So yes. Even what seems to be a picture perfect family, it is not necessarily so. 

And after that - our real conversation (continued with the dinner) began. I really had a lovely evening with that mother of three.


***Later on she told me that she thought I was 30 :)