Infertility gave me many feelings. So many bad ones. If I had to choose one feeling that hurt me the most, I would choose guilt. Guilt of not being able to give my husband a child.
It took me only few years that I accepted that I was not able to have a child. But it took me almost a decade before I got rid off the guilt.
It seemed so unfair. My husband remained childless only because of loving me. I feared that one day, when he was old & grey, he would regret staying married with me. Obviously I knew that he married me because he loved me. But still.
I tried to have this conversation many times with him, but he refused to hear anything. But then, one day (few years ago) I made him listen what I had to say.
I told him that I loved him more then anything. And that it would break my heart if I knew that one day he regretted the decision to stay with me. Because with this decision he lost opportunity to have children with someone else. And that if he wished to get a divorce, it would break my heart, but I would completely understand it and signed everything.
The moment was so sad, so emotional, so I do not really remember what he said. I remember just lots of crying & kisses & hugs.
And... we lived happily ever after. Together. Forever.
*****
I still feel good about having that conversation. My guilt dissapeared that day.
I completely understand about guilt. That has been the hardest emotion for me to overcome. I still struggle with this, but as time goes on the feeling has diminished. In the beginning I was trying to push him away to "find someone younger who could give him children". This would make him so irate. He always told me that he loved me...having children would have been a bonus, but ultimately it was me that he wanted. He didn't marry me to have children. We were married late in life - I was 40, he was 43. He never thought he would have kids as he never met the right one until I came along - so for him, it's been easier for him to accept which has made it easier for me to deal with my guilt.
ReplyDeleteDealing with his family has been different as they are very family oriented and it's all about the grandchildren. So we now drop off the dogs so they can babysit our kids!
Ah...guilt...yeah, the guilt can really drive one crazy. I felt guilty 'coz I couldn't give any grandkids to my parents as well as hubby's parents. And I also did feel a bit guilty for not being able to give hubby a child/children, but in our case I don't know if there's anything wrong with us (or either or us), so I think during TTC I felt more guilt towards the parents and his parents for not being able to continue the bloodline, but after some time I managed to force myself to get rid of that guilt and I found more peace after we decided to live without kids.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I'm glad you had the conversation that made your guilt disappear. :-)
Yes, I felt the guilt too after our second miscarriage, but we too had the conversation during that first year after. He immediately made my guilt go away by saying he married me and a child would have been a bonus, but not a deal breaker. I then had to get thru my accepting of moving on as a childless couple - he was there quicker than I. Now, we are happily planning for our future as a family of two - much happier than we had in the last couple years too. I so don't miss walking that road of TTC anymore - I so now realize how much it sucked the happiness out of our relationship!
ReplyDeleteI feel weird commenting on a post that is over two years old, but it struck a chord. My husband and I had this same conversation. I was in a dark place. I told him that I loved him and wanted to be his wife forever but that I understood if he didn't want to be with me anymore and wanted to be with a woman who could give him children instead. With tears streaming down his face (only the second time he cried, at least in front of me, throughout the infertility journey) he told me that he loved me and that he would rather spend the rest of his life with me and never have kids than spend it with someone else and have a million kids. I still feel guilty that we can't have kids and that it's my fault but it's getting a little bit easier with each day that passes. (I promise that I understand that it's no one's fault and that there is no blame to be assigned, but you know....?)
ReplyDeleteDear BnB, it is lovely to see your comment on an old post. I see under the statistic section that some old posts are reread much later. So also your comment can help somebody in the future.
DeleteHugs.
Klara