I am having a lovely summer.
I haven't written much on my blog lately, mainly because I don't have much more to say about life without children. For me it has become my life and I love it the way it is.
For a while I thought about shutting down the blog. But then I changed my mind. I thought of new generations of young women who might be struggling to accept a childless life, and that reading some comforting old text might help (at least a little). So I left it.
A few days ago I had a nice visit from a reader of my blog from abroad - she lives exactly 1000 kilometres north of us.
She came with her husband, both of them much younger than we are. The boys were outside doing some technical stuff. And we were inside, cooking and talking. It was a wonderful feeling - to connect with someone so kind, who had gone through the same suffering as I had 15 years ago.
Then suddenly she noticed two beautiful drawings on our fridge. I told her that I had recently had a pyjama party with 6 (!) nephews and nieces. The two youngest - both aged 5 - decided they wanted to draw something just for me. Just priceless! I keep the drawings on our fridge and whenever I see them I remember how cute they were and how they belonged to me for two days. How I enjoyed their excitement at being invited to a party in our home for the very first time.
The new blogger friend commented that this is something she could never do - have other people's children's drawings in her home. Because seeing them would break her heart every time.
I told her I understood - that 15 years ago I could never have had the drawings there either. But now I can.
Just another reminder of how hard it is to accept life after infertility. And what a long way I have come. I don't say this very often - I'm proud of myself.
I am so happy that you get to spend time with your nieces and nephews. I also admire you - six of them might be a bit much for me! lol I am also very glad that you can see the drawings and appreciate them for what they are - a reminder that you are loved and appreciated by your young family members - rather than what they might have been, and that they give you joy, not pain. You should indeed be proud of yourself.
ReplyDeleteI love too that you got to spend time with an internet and now real-life friends! (I'm a bit jealous - I met you too long ago!!!) And I think your example of those paintings will give your friend hope that she too can reach the same stage of peace you have found. It all seems so impossible to us, doesn't it? Until, one day, it isn't.
Sending love and hugs.
Dear Klara,
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful post <3!
The fact that you thought of giving up this blog because the topic is not your focus anymore means that a lot of healing has happened, and indeed, you can be SO proud of yourself! I know it was all hard work.
How wonderful that you met a bloggie friend in "real life". I remember how lovely it was when we met some years ago, too :-).
I admire you for hosting a pyjamas party with 6 children! Having one godchild over at the time is enough for me already ;-).
I can confirm the same: at the time, I would have been unable to hang children's drawings, too. Now I can do so quite happily.
Many summer greetings from Switzerland,
Elaine