Now for me, the world seems to be split into two parts. Not between
parents and non parents, but between people for who having children is the most
natural thing on earth and those who had to acknowledge that it is not so: on the
one hand, a majority of naive people, parents and non parents alike; on the
other hand, a silent minority, infertile people as well as very few of their
relatives and friends. Only this silent minority can see that the way to parenthood
is uncertain, paved with fear, pain and loss.
Incredibly enough, the first group is totally unaware of the existence of
the second one. Of course, everybody knows that something called infertility
exists, but this knowledge is very theoretical. Most people think it is a
temporary condition which can nowadays be solved with the help of medicine. Very
few suspect how deeply the experience of infertility can change a person and
affect your being, your feelings, your way of thinking and acting.
On the other hand, infertile people are quite often unable to identify who
is on their side. While parents naturally form a group, meeting in places like
schools and playgrounds, benefiting from legitimate privileges organised by the
society (whose interest is to perpetuate), infertile people have to overcome
huge barriers to get in contact with peers in their daily life. Indeed, parents
can for obvious reasons find each other easily, but how can a group come
together based on something its members are missing?
The burden of infertile people is so heavy because they very often have to
go through profound grieve, experience loss and shattered dreams alone. They
are facing the disbelief and the inability to understand of most of the people around
them, and unable to identify people suffering the same pain. From my
experience, the only meaningful help came from online communities. Various
inputs from all over the world gave me the strength to think of a fulfilling
life without children.
I had lunch this week with several colleagues. One of them will get married
soon and wants to keep her birth name. Another colleague told her: “Anyway, you
are only delaying the question of choosing between the family name of your
husband and yours, as it will arise again when you will get children”. I
thought this was a perfect illustration of these two worlds. I would never utter
such a sentence. Maybe my colleague doesn’t want children, or she already knows
she cannot have her own. But for the other colleague, there is neither a doubt about
the fact that a married couple wants children, nor is there a possibility that
this desire may not be fulfilled. I try not to judge these people too harshly:
I used to think like them. But I wish that one day, infertility will get the
awareness it deserves and that more and more persons will have consideration
for the sensitivity of those who are facing this very existential crisis.
Written by: Léa, Europe
