I’ve been feeling unwell throughout July, so I’ve spent quite a bit of time in doctors’ waiting rooms. It’s nothing too serious – just a virus and a viral eye infection. But still, once again, I was reminded of the one thing I truly need: health.
Yesterday, while waiting for a medical examination, I was reading a book when I overheard two women in their early seventies. They had gone to school together and hadn’t seen each other in a decade. I wasn’t intentionally listening, but one of them was speaking so loudly that I couldn’t help but hear parts of their conversation.
One of the women had sadly lost her husband three years ago. The other asked her about his illness and how long it had been since he passed. The widow’s voice was filled with sorrow – I could feel that he had meant the world to her.
Immediately, the other woman began offering advice: “You have to be strong. You need to find new activities to fill your days. You must keep busy.”
She then asked how many children and grandchildren she had. (The answer was two and four.)
And with that, she concluded: “Oh, that’s good. That means you’re busy.”
But who knows? Her children may live far away, busy with their own lives, while she sits alone with her grief.
It made me think about the profound lessons infertility, suffering, and countless thoughtless comments have taught me over the years.
That sometimes, the most precious thing you can say is simply:
“I’m so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how hard this must be.”
P.S. In the photo: I picked some early white apples from my husband’s family garden, and a few early red apples were a gift from my granny. I turned them into the most delicious apple and cinnamon jam you can imagine.
Oh my, that apple and cinnamon jam looks AMAZING! A little fall preview!
ReplyDeleteI hope you are feeling better and your eye and virus clears up soon. Being ill in the summer seems to stink more than other times, I think.
How fascinating! I thought the "push it aside and pretend grief isn't there" mentality was American and that European culture had a different tack, good to know that insensitive people uncomfortable with grief are everywhere. Maybe grandchildren make her sadder. Maybe they don't live nearby. Maybe she needs to sit in the sadness and loss. "You must be busy" to me sounds like "you must fill up all your time so that you can't feel these feelings." I love your last paragraph, that is a perfect response to someone's grief. Sigh.
Apple and cinnamon jam sounds delicious! You are absolutely right. People don't think. But we are used to it. We have indeed learned a lot of valuable lessons. I've been helping a friend go through something tough too recently, and it's all the same stuff that we have already learnt. Sending hugs, and hope your eye is better soon!
ReplyDeleteOther people's children cannot be our source of happiness or even regular activity. I have learned this the hard way, once many years ago and then again last year. It hurt really bad when I was forgotten or discarded by children that were so important to me. I'm sorry for others that still have to learn this lesson. It's a hard lesson to learn. Other people's children are other people's children, even if they are family members.
ReplyDeleteI love your photo and love that your jam was made from apples from the family. <3 I hope you are feeling much better. <3