You are on earth to view the sun.
You are on earth to track the sun.
You are on earth to be the sun
that shadows always shun.
Na svetu si, da gledaš sonce.
Na svetu si, da greš za soncem.
Na svetu si, da sam si sonce
in da s sveta odganjaš sence.
Tone Pavček, Slovenian poet
What can I tell you about a childless life after infertility? Not much, obviously, because I haven't felt the need to write for a long time.
But there was one brief, beautiful moment in the swimming pool that I wanted to share with you.
My 50th birthday is coming up and I've decided that I'm not going to just think, read and write about things. I will try to live and do things more actively.
I went (alone) to a local swimming pool to have a swim. I love swimming! I was swimming when a little girl (she was about three years old) noticed me wearing a pink hat and said to me: "You have a hat." I smiled at the girl and replied, and she smiled back and asked, "Why? For the next hour, whenever we met, she smiled. And I smiled back.
It felt so good to smile at the child.
For a whole decade I was so heartbroken that I couldn't smile at anyone. Especially not a child.
The pain of childlessness hasn't gone away. It will always be a part of me. But the good thing is that it doesn't hurt anymore. It has become a vital part of me. It has made me softer, gentler, kinder and wiser.
PS: I took a photo in Paris a few days ago. It is so good that I can travel for work (again)!
So beautiful! The poem, the picture, and your post.
ReplyDeleteI feel similarly. Childlessness and loss will always be a part of me, but it doesn't hurt like it used to. It has made me softer and wiser too. <3
Dear Klara,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing the beautiful poem and the story about you and the little girl at the pool. I am glad that the loss of being childless isn't as raw anymore as it used to be.
I agree: You are one of the kindest people I know <3.
Have a lovely Sunday!
I too think this is absolutely beautiful! The poem, your post, your wonderful last paragraph. It is perfect. Sending hugs!
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful poem, and the flowers made me smile! I love the story of the little girl at the pool. I love the ability to smile, the way that the loss and grief is a part of you but it softens over time. A beautiful post!
ReplyDeleteJust reading your story made me smile. And the poem and the flowers are beautiful. Thanks, Klara! :)
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