This year has been hard. The scar that cancer left still hurts sometimes. Some days are better then the others. My GP asked me: "What did you think? Did you think that everything would be as before?".
Her question hit me and I needed days to process her comment. I replied that I actually wasn't really thinking how would it be - I was too focused on waiting on operation that would cut off the cancer. I didn't even think that there would be such thing as a scar that would hurt forever.
I am very grateful that the cancer is gone. I can only hope and pray that it will never return.
There is a gift that the cancer brought me. To see who are the people whom I really matter.
I am very grateful for my husband and my parents. And also for my cousin and my brother.
I got many kind emails from my long time bloggie / penfriends, I am thankful for that.
But most of my friends from "real" life sent me only one text with good wishes, I replied that the operation went well. Some of them also visited me and saw that I was doing well. But after three weeks after the surgery my condition deteriorated (I even had to go to emergency help over the weekend) and when I told some of friends what happened - some of them commented - "but you said you were healing well".
Yes, I was, until I wasn't.
Healing is never a linear process.
Cancer helped me see the difference between the people who were really there for me in the process of healing and the ones who were only doing obligatory checking up on me.
So resolution for this December: I will not waste any of my time with people who weren't really there for me during the recovery after the operation. My dog fully supports me in this decision. This way I will have more time for long walks with him <3
Dear Klara, your post is so right. I'm really sorry that you had this experience. "See the difference between the people who were really there for me in the process of healing and the ones who were only doing obligatory checking up on me": I can fully relate to that, and I sadly think almost everyone who has gone through difficulties can. It says a lot about individualism in our society.
ReplyDeleteYour decision is very wise. Doing so, you will have more time for people who matter, including your dog :-) Especially before Christmas, it can spare you a lot of stress!
"My dog fully supports me in this decision." :) I love this. Dogs are so good. I miss mine every day. She was the greatest friend during my darkest times. I also learned who my true friends were during that time. It was very difficult for me to learn that so many people that I cared about were just seasonal friends when I thought they were long-term friends. I talk to only a few people from that time period now. I parted ways with the majority of my friends back then. I am sorry you have experienced this also. I am also excited about your future because I know it will be full of only genuine people. You are a special soul and you deserve people who know this and treat you as such. <3
ReplyDeleteDear Klara, it is hard to find out who really cares when you are unwell. It is also the time when you need to be surrounded by loving people more than ever.
ReplyDeleteIt reminds me of the grief of being childless... it felt a lot like that, too. There were not many people left to me.
On the other side I have read that every person only has very few close and faithful friends, so maybe this is normal. All the others that are there on the sunnier days are people we may be in touch with more loosely. It made sense to me :-).
Wishing you a good weekend and plenty of beautiful walks with your beloved dog.
I hope that maybe your GP will gently let her patients know in the future that though the cancer might be removed, such surgery does not mean everything will go back to normal. Maybe you've given her an important lesson too.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, healing is never linear. It's funny that we learn that about grief, but not always about other issues. (I was the same with my broken ankle! I wanted it fixed, but didn't realise it would be a long slow process, and involve ups and downs.)
So I'm hoping you are getting support from the people you need. And here's to more lovely long walks with your beautiful dog.