I had a lovely support group during the times of IVF. I met some girls online and few of us started meeting. I really liked them, I don't know how would I go through all the difficult times without them. We hang out together for approximatelly five years.
We all went through at least 3 IVFs. 2 of the friends gave birth to children, 2 of the friends adopted internationally. I am the only one who remained childless.
As years passed by, all of them got very busy raising kids. They didn't have time for me. And I didn't have the strenght to remain in contact, their happiness was breaking my hearth and soul (I know that it sounds selfish, but I am writing the way I felt it).
One of friends sent an email to all of us this week, after not being in contact for few years, inviting us all for a dinner next week. All of them were happy of the invitation and confirmed the date.
I was also happy to get the invitation, but I couldn't confirm. I can't go there and listen to four friends updating each other about the last 5 years of their children's lives.
I politely replied that I would love to meet them, but that I prefer one-to-one meetings. Since whenever in the company of more mothers at once, I feel like an alien.
Did anybody bother to reply back? No.
I felt so invisible and unheard.
I don't regret my decision of not going to dinner. I prefer to be alone then lonely among people.
Dear Klara, I think that this was a wise decision. I have been avoiding meetings with several moms at a time, too (especially when I am the only not-mom). I know how this makes me feel: like an outsider. It is horrible to have to listen to all the mom talk and to not be able to contribute anything. I am sorry that you got no response to your email!
ReplyDeleteyes, this is the hardest, having to sit there, listen and having nothing to contribute to the conversation.
DeleteI'm sorry Klara. :( You obviously made the right decision. I have learned so much from you about taking care of myself! I recently ran into a friend/acquaintance and had an odd experience. We used to get together for lunches because no one else understood. She had three failed IVFs and I had two. Then she got pregnant on her own and had a baby. She changed. Understandably. But still. How can someone who has gone through failed fertility treatments forget so easily?
ReplyDeleteyes, this is the same question I have had in my mind for a long time: How can someone who has gone through failed fertility treatments forget so easily?
DeleteI see this all the time in the ALI blogging community. It is so hard. Hugs Klara.
DeleteYou made the right decision for sure. I am so bad, I would had probably just ignored the invitation myself unless we had some other shared interests like dogs, or politics, or home improvement etc :)My free time is so limited which makes me very picky who I share it with.
ReplyDeleteMy friend who I met when we were both TTC, who got pregnant just as I decided to stop trying, now has a little girl of about four. She asked me months ago if I would meet her - we have not met or spoken since she gave birth. Even though I consider myself OK and accepting of my life, and happy, I feel anxious and defensive when I think of talking to her face-to-face (even if it's one to one). The past, and our different outcomes, hangs between us like something huge. I don't know how to overcome it. I think this is a common problem in the IF community, and it probably isn't fully appreciated by people who were infertile but then had their own children (sometimes naturally like this woman) but who still identify as infertile or "infertility survivors". I'm afraid to say all this as it causes controversy in the IF community, and it's never good to compare, but our experiences are very, very different and it's sometimes hard to meet in the middle - as much as I would like to.
ReplyDelete