Being a part of life-after-infertility community

I had an awkward visit. It was from a friend from my youth. We were never close friends, but we did spend plenty of lovely days together, going to the mountains, with a group of friends. Together we climbed also our highest mountain (almost 3.000 meters high). 

I invited her to our home. It was nice at the beginning.  We haven't seen each other for 15 years so there was lots of catching up. She told me about her lovely daughters. I told her about my infertility.  It was OK at first, but then the silly questions appeared:

• Did I consider trying some additional IVFs?  (=no, I haven't. If the IVFs didn't work when I was 32, they for sure won't work now that I am almost 45). 
• Did I consider adoption?  Her close friend adopted twins from Ghana and they are sooooooo happy together. (=yes, of course we considered it but no, thank you, it is not for us). 

And at the end, when already leaving for a medical appointment, she told me that she is pregnant (she is 3 years younger then me).    I wish her all the best, but I don't think I am interested in another coffee with her and being a part of her pregnancy.

It is not because she is a mother. (My best friend is a mother.) It is because of the silly questions.

***
Otherwise it was a good week. The construction works with the house are going very well. And the link to my blog was published in some of my favourite bloggie friends' blogs:
http://theroadlesstravelledlb.blogspot.si/2018/04/not-same.html
http://nokiddinginnz.blogspot.si/2018/04/childless-success-stories-revisited-our.html 
https://infertilephoenix.blogspot.si/2018/04/feeling-understood.html 
It is a lovely feeling. My thoughts and my feelings  matter. It means a world to be  - being a part of life-after-infertility community. 

Meeting a neighbour

I went to a shopping centre when somebody called my name and greeted me very warmly. It was my neighbour, fifteen years older then me, she is a cleaning lady there. I don't know her well, so I didn't know where she worked.

We started to chat and somewhere in the middle of conversation I asked her how are her granddaughters.  When we moved in -  fifteen years ago - I saw her very often with two little girls so I assumed they were her granddaughters.

When I asked her, her eyes became wet and told me that she didn't have any children because she couldn't have them. The girls are her husband's niece's daughters.

I apologized to her for my question. I added that I also couldn't have children.

It was as if she had been waiting all life for someone who would understand her pain, so she started to tell me all the story.

I was sad for her pain. You see, it was even much harder for her to survive the infertility as for me. In her times, most of women had children much younger which means it was more likely that they could have them. And she suffered infertility without being able to connect on internet with women who would understand her.

She told me that the two little girls loved them so much when they were little. They were always buying them the most expensive gifts, whatever they wished for. Now they are teenagers so they never come. Except when the uncle and aunt invite them for a shopping trip.

It is another confirmation for me that I want to remain auntie who never buys material things. I am auntie who takes kids for fun activities.  My latest activity with them is inviting them twice per month to my home to learn German. Main tool of learning: watching cartoons in German & listening to songs on youtube. I enjoy it a lot. 

Being sorry for someone I don't know

A friend of mine told me a story about her coworker. I don't know her, but I know her husband since we went to the same school.  They have been trying to have a child for years, without any success. Now they are having IVF and he gave her an ultimatum: if it doesn't work, he wants a divorce.

I don't know this girl, but I feel so sorry for her. I am sorry that she is struggling with infertility. I am sorry that she married someone who is handsome on outside but has black cruel soul. And I am sorry that she has a friend who is not a friend at all - she told this very personal humiliating information to her and she told few others who told the rest. 

I hope she heals and that one day she finds the love of her life. Since that man for sure isn't.

Writing

Sometimes I see something and it stays with me for whole day. Like Elaine's latest post:
http://www.elaineok.com/ein-paar-ohne-kind/
The music and dancing are just beautiful!
Elaine writes how she and her husband were forced to learn new dance steps.
And so did we.

***

Sometimes I think that perhaps I don't have much to contribute to IF community since the darkest days of my infertility are way behind me.

But whenever I start thinking about quitting there is some lovely reminder that what I feel & think & write does matter. Like comment that  Infertile Phoenix's  left for me on her post:
https://infertilephoenix.blogspot.si/2018/02/unwanted-shower-invitation.html

"Thank you Klara! So much of my confidence in taking care of myself I learned from you. Before I started this blog I read your whole blog, and I received that message from you over and over. Other people do not understand this life--I have to take care of myself. So thank you for your comments but especially thank you for all of your help over the years. <3"

Dear Phoenix... thank you for this comment! I am so very happy that I can help someone who is 10 years younger then me.  Wishing you all the best! 

xo

Klara

Home, sweet home :)

I am very proud - I baked my husband's favourite cookies and they are delicious! The reason for baking: I wanted to do something special, to celebrate a very special moment for us.

We have been working on a blueprint of our house for years.  It is pre-fab house, they started to build it few days ago. Today was the very first time that we could go inside, and see all the rooms. It is just priceless - walking the rooms of our house for the very first time.

We are so very happy :) :)

The last time we were so happy was 15 years ago, when we bought our apartment, moved in, got married one month later and then went to our honeymoon for one month (Canada & USA, riding 10.000 kilometers with Amtrak and Viarail). 

And then, for the last 15 years we didn't have any big news.

We just love the process of building the house (although it is stressful from time to time).

We are looking forward to late autumn when we move in :)  

I am so ready for the menopause

I am so ready for the menopause. I am tired of constant bleeding & spotting.

I went to see my gyn today, for the first time in three years. She wasn't worried, but did some tests anyway.

The visit brought many painful memories back.  While having ultrasound I remembered how hurtful egg retrievals (without any anesthesia) were. 

I am so glad that I am 44. And done for good with all infertility treatments. 

Having time

For many years I feared Saturdays. Saturday is a day that my husband always works and I never. During the darkest years of my infertility I found it hard to fill time. I felt lonely many times.

I don't know when it changed but I love Saturdays now. This is the day of the week that it is completely up to me. I can do whatever I wish.

Yesterday I visited my granny who takes care (together with the rest of the family) after her childless 85-year-old sister.  They have also a cat, but the cat is not allowed to go inside.

It was only yesterday that it occurred me that perhaps the old aunt would to see the cat. Since she has been in bed for the last three years, she can't even look outside to see the cat. So I let the cat inside (my granny wasn't happy about it) and the cat immediately started to cuddle with the aunt. It was a perfect moment - I loved it that I was able to do something kind for an old helpless person.

This was the moment that I decided - when I am very old - I want to find for me and my husband a nursing home that includes some pets (at least one cat).

Our old age is luckily many decades away, so I decided not to worry about it now.


After the visit I took my beloved Wolf for a long walk through the snowy forest. We both enjoyed it.