I just read this great post. I have to read this book one day!
One sentence from this book really touched my soul:
"She feels guilty about Jack not having the chance to become a father because of her defective body"
This is how I have felt for the last 14 years. I robbed my beloved husband of possibility of having children.
YOU didn't do anything of the sort. Nature/fate/whatever robbed you BOTH of the possibility of having children. You are both victims and survivors of this. Please don't feel guilty. It's not anything you did or chose to do that caused it, and so guilt is so pointless. Be kinder to yourself.ReplyDelete
thank you Mali, for kind words and the hugs. Hugs back.Delete
Hi Klara I just entered a long comment and it disappeared so this might be a duplicate, apologies if so!ReplyDelete
Just saw this post after returning from travels. I have long felt "defective" and despised my non-functioning body, even though I tend to get angrier at my forebears (my parents, my rubbish gene pool) than at myself: I guess I am a blamer.
In very low moments I think of my awful teenage years (bullying etc) and how much I hated myself and a little
sub-conscious voice tells me it's a good thing I never reproduced, as I was never meant to. I know this is unhealthy,
of course. My feelings about my husband not having had the chance to have a child float in and out and are tied up with
fears I have for the future. Firstly, I'm sad in a kind of abstract way that such a lovely man who I admire & respect never got the chance to reproduce; I do imagine the son
(always a boy for some reason) he would have had and it makes me a bit sad.
I don't allow myself to linger on those feelings, I quash them down. My brain tells me they are futile. But I do imagine him interacting with a little boy just like him, and how he would love that child, and that he never got to do this or to feel those immense feelings. He says he doesn't miss this but who knows what goes on in people's heads. When we first got together in our mid-20s he talked about having kids (a little girl) and I was disgusted and told him I never wanted them. I
did torture myself with that a bit in the first years of infertility, although he implies he was just being romantic in those early days. I also have thoughts like: would his family like me more, would I fit in better with them if I had his child? Stupid, but I'm insecure and do have these thoughts. My other feelings are real fears that I try not to have but I suppose they are normal and clichéd, even: will he realise in his 50s that he has missed out on something profound,
might he meet someone younger who he can have a fresh start with, a new chapter, all those things I can't provide.
I don't know what I'd do if this happened, it's my worst fear. Although I do believe we are possibly happier because we don't have young kids, we are very close and don't argue etc; I occasionally think I'm glad we didn't have them as we are so united and happy together.
But you can't control the fears and insecurities that creep in. Sorry that I haven't been more positive! I am mostly fine but these feelings are natural, I think. Just hopefully you will know that you aren't alone. Hugs x
Knowing that I am not alone means a world to me!Delete
sending you big hugs from Europe!