Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Es un sueño muy grande

I spent most of October in Italy, for work. There are many highlights whenever I go to Italy, the biggest one: their delicious food.  On the photo: panna cotta con frutti di bosco / cooked sweet cream with forest berries.

There are also disadvantages: when you have to travel in cold, windy and rainy days. I got home with a terrible cold that caused stomach / lungs problems, so  I am staying at home this week. I have also a terrible headache. How I wish I was healthy!

I guess that since I am not healthy some things irritate me easily. Like, watching this on BBC this morning:

I love Spanish language. I don't speak it, but I understand a lot of it. The words that a Spanish, who just had her - I assume - first child (do I have to mention she is 62!) - Es un sueño muy grande - It is a big dream - irritated me. And it made me angry, that she is there, in front  of cameras, denying that she used any infertility treatments. 

Why I don't like stories like that is that they create false impression that there isn't any age limit for a woman to have a child. I am 43 and I really hope that I will never ever have to hear again that I still have time. Since I don't, at least not for having a child.


I don't always go for a lunch at work with the same people. Sometimes I join the group of 4 colleagues, who are all almost 40, all mothers of two kids. They are nice, but since there is basically only work that we all have in common, sometimes we have to struggle to find a topic for chatting. A while ago I was joining some other coworkers and those 4 colleagues were sitting together. I realized how much more vivid their conversation is, when I am not there. Since they share one thing in common: they are all mothers of young children and they were sharing fun stories over bedtime with kids.

I am glad that they didn't have this conversation when I was with them. But yet, it hurt to see that I might be seen as an disturbing element.


Twelve years ago 4 girlfriends gave me this painting of Madonna with baby Jesus:

 It was wrapped in a newspaper (so I could know exactly when it was given to me) and put in a big colourful bag that you get in a shop for newborns. I got the instructions that the picture should be put under my bed, to make my dreams come to true.

I forgot that I own this painting most of the time. When I did some cleaning in the summer, I found it and I just knew I can't have it any more. I can't be remembered till the end of my life of the unfulfilled dreams over and over again (there are enough triggers without this painting already). But, what do you do with a painting like this? You can't throw it to the trash.

I cleaned the painting, wrapped it and gave it as a gift to my granny and her sister (they live together). They loved it.


  1. Dear Klara, I am sorry to read that you are not well. I hope you will feel better soon!

    Those "miracle baby" headlines regarding women over 50 upset me, too. This is the reason why I will not even watch the BBC show...

    Yes, I understand why it hurts to feel like a "disturbing element". We all want to be accepted for who we are and to belong to our "tribe" naturally. Yet we cannot because we are not mothers. On the other hand I am glad your colleagues are so considerate. Not all people are like that.

    You found the perfect solution for the Madonna painting. It even made somebody very happy. Well done!

    Hugs and "gute Besserung", dear Klara!

  2. Oh geez... Having a kid at 62? I think that kind of decision is more about the mother than the child. That woman wants to have a 15 year old when she is 77 years old? That is not fair to her kid.

    Once I finish up school, I will be re-entering the work force, and I have to admit I'm a bit nervous about being surrounded by a new potential pool of mothers. I plan to gracefully bow out of all office baby showers, but I hope the daily mommy talk doesn't grate on my nerves or make me sad too much.

    I'm glad your co-workers find other things to talk about when you join them, but I also understand how you feel about them resuming their mom talk when you're not there. But maybe you are a breath of fresh air for them. A lot of moms seem to lose themselves to motherhood. I know I bring out some of my old friend's former selves because they don't just talk about mom stuff with me. They have to remember who they were before they were mothers and I think they subconsciously appreciate it. At least, I think it's good for them haha!

    I'm in the process of giving away things I collected when I thought I was going to be a mom. It's bittersweet. But it's making space for new things in my new life, space I'm in no hurry to fill. It will happen naturally.

    Hope you are feeling better!! <3 -Lucia

  3. I didn't listen to the whole interview. My Spanish isn't good enough. But if she only said it "developed naturally" then that was carefully phrased to avoid saying it was "conceived naturally." Maybe it did develop naturally after hormones restored her uterus to a fertile state, and after the fertilised donor egg was transferred to her uterus. But like you, I get furious about this.

    I don't get told that I still have time anymore, thank goodness. It's one of the advantages of growing older. Though a friend did say that about adoption a couple of years ago. I gave her the facts, and she realised she'd been wrong.

    Like Elaine, I am also grateful that your coworkers are considerate. It's good for them to be able to take someone else's feelings into account - it might actually make them feel good too!