Thursday, December 27, 2012

Adoption? No, I will stay childfree, thank you (part II)

I spent few days working on a project together with a colleague from other company a month ago. I knew she was my age before meeting her. When spending so much time together it is hard to avoid any personal topic so very soon came the inevitable "Do you have any kids?". I briefly replied that we tried and couldn't.

It turned out that both of her two sons were conceived by IVF. 

The next topic that she opened was: "So, have you thought about adopting?". 

I replied briefly that adoption is not something we consider.

She started to make lots of really long arguments why we should adopt. She explained that is she couldn't have her own children, she would adopt.

I explained that this is also what I thought & felt few years ago. And now, when I am facing either living childfree life for ever or making a decision to try to adopt, I chose (together with my husband) the first option.

Because now I feel differently as I did few years ago. And this is something that ex-infertiles can not understand. Feelings & emotions change. 

The other large discussion that we had was the nature versus nurture debate. I strongly believe that genes determinate the vast majority of someone (and with this belief it is really hard to decide for an adoption).

Anyway, this discussion took place a month ago, before my decision not to discuss adoption issue with anybody, who has children.

Have you ever heard about stolen babies in Spain:

Thousands of babies were stolen... up to the year 1990.  How could something like that happen in Western Europe, not long ago? 

Foreign adoption was not really an option, not for us.
How could we be sure that a child was not taken from her/his mother in an illegal way?


  1. Hugs to you!

    Love that you are so open with you not adopting!

    My personal experience is that I think people with children and ex-infertiles always say: "Why don't you just adopt?"
    I always tell them it is not easy to adopt, (in Norway it takes years to adopt, sure it is the same in your country?) I want either to go pregnent or have no children. It seems like it's hard for people to understand...
    (But, I could mayby "adopt" a embryo and use my husbands sperm)

    Sorry for my bad english:) It's not easy to explain my thoughts in a language I am not strong in..:) Hope u understand!

    Best wishes to you for the year to come! :)

    Hugs from Norway

    1. dear Veien med IVF,
      your English is perfect, I understood everything (by the way: I was just boasting to my husband that I read two pages in Norwegian, with the help of Google translator. I love love love the fact how internet is making a world small place, where everybody can talk to each other).

      Yes, it takes many years in our country to get a baby. Actually, there is a line of 300 couples waiting for a child (=couples, who already passed all the "exams"). And only 5 children are available for an adoption each year. So - statistically we are sure that we would never get a baby. So it does not make any sense of applying.

      I tried to adopt an embryo (donated egg cells & husband's sperm). I got two top quality emrioes, but they decided not to stay with me. Anyway, I needed 2 years before I decided to go for an egg donation, it was not an easy decision.

      I hope all your dreams will come true in 2013! Keeping my fingers crossed!

      Hugs from sLOVEnia!

    2. Haha, I just love google translate and the fact you read to pages in Norwegian to your husband :)
      Yeah, internet is realy making the world small place, and it's great to read other blogs with the same experience as me, infertility.

      Oohh, only 5 children available for an adoption each year?? No, it does not make any sense of applying then! (If someone want to adopt they almost have to do it in early twentys if they want a child..)

      Sad to hear that the embryo donation didn't work out.
      You blown my mind out then your writing that you "finding happiness after infertility."
      You realy inspires me when you after 10 unsuccessful IVF treatments finding happines.
      (I can realy learn something from your history, because to day-I can't imagine a happy life without children)

      Best wishes for a beautiful day:)

      Hugs from Norway

    3. Looking back, I wish I could stop having IVF before. I was so desperate that I just couldn't give up.
      The last attempt (=with egg donation) was so hard for me, I had so many side effects because of the drugs that I was literally afraid for my life. So this was a breaking point for me - I just knew I had to stop.

      I am not happy all the time now. But most of the days, I am OK. If I didn't live in a baby-centric society where I am constantly reminded that I am different, it would be much easier.

      So yes, I am still on my way to finding hapiness. I am not there yet, but I am getting closer :)

      And - I am happy to find so many wonderful women online... it is wonderful to be a part of a great support group that comes from all around the World.

    4. You have been through a long road with the IVF treatment.
      I'm sad to hear about the last attempt and the side effects of the drugs. The "good" thing about the last attempt is that you had to stop after that, and you could put an end to the treatment..

      Life with infertility is a rollercoaster, so I understand your ups and downs. But your a human-and it's very normal to feel that way.
      I'm glad to hear that you getting closer in finding hapiness:))

  2. Ahhhh...the same ol' same ol'...I had a similar discussion the other day. Will write it later in my IF blog. :-)

    1. dear Amel,
      looking forward to reading your blog!