Thursday, December 20, 2012

Adoption? No, I will stay childfree, thank you.

I had two quite unpleasant conversations about adoption in the last month. Both with colleagues from work.

First, the second conversation (since it was more disturbing), from last week (it happened after a client commented very rudely that it was high time that I had children).
(the post about it: )

Anyway, when we went from the client, my colleague asked me: "So, did your husband change his mind about adoption?" 

I: "I haven't changed my mind. Nor did he."
She: "I think you should adopt."
I: "Why should we?"
She: "You would be happier".
I: "I am happy. It just pisses me off when I get comments like now. And it pisses me of, when everybody thinks that adoption is magical solution for everybody. It is not."
She: "I think you should adopt."  
I: "We decided not to adopt (=quick list of all the reasons why we do not wish to adopt, among them is also a reason that there literally are no children available in our country and we do not feel like going to Russia and buying a child for 30.000 EUR since we doubt that everything is legitimate there.") .... Besides that, we have all together 6 nephews / nieces, so we have company of children when we want to."
She: "But - having nieces & nephews is not the same".
I: "Neither is adopting. I just know that deep in myself an adopted child could never heal the desire of having our own child. "

..... lots of lots of discussion, already forgot a lot of it

She: "I think you should adopt. Or take foster children"
I:   "Why don't you?"
She:  (shocked by the question) "But - I do have my own children!"
I: "And - this is exactly what I wished for. If I couldn't get them, it is my choice to stop there and live happily childfree ever after."
She: "But - you are supposed to do something good for someone."
I: "Really? Just because I am infertile, I am expected to be a Samaritan?"

(just a note: the most horrible thing is to take foster children and then have a broken heart when you have to return them)

What is wrong with people? Why can't they leave me alone?

If I was really mean, I could hurt this coworker really badly. She just lost her brother two years ago. She knows what grief is (but is only able to understand her own grief).
I could suggest her to borrow (for example) my brother once every month - so she would have a brother too. 
I am not mean. I did not comment anything about her brother. I just asked her politely to appreciate my decision. Because, my life is mine. And my decisions are mine to make.

First New Year resolution: I will never ever discuss adoption with anybody.
Exception: childless friends.


  1. PS:
    Don't get me wrong. I admire and appreciate people who adopt or foster.

  2. Oh dear...Klara, I'm SO VERY SORRY...I can't even begin to understand why she kept on insisting on that when clearly you've made up your mind. The gall of some people!!!!!

    Would it help if you just say "I don't want to talk about it, OK? Let's talk about other things"? Sometimes I think explaining our decision just doesn't help at all when the other party is completely "blinded" by their own beliefs on what will make us happy (or happier in their minds).

    1. dear Amel,
      I agree. This is perfect sentece:
      "I don't want to talk about it, OK? Let's talk about other things"?


  3. I'm so sorry you had to experience that. I wish people could understand the gravity of our decisions. Sometimes decisions are easy, but some decisions are reached for the sake of self preservation. These decisions take courage and require no explanation to anyone. PS--I love the art. :-)


    1. dear Kelly,
      thank you for your comment.
      Yes, you wrote it beautifuly: some decisions are reached for the sake of self preservation.
      My heart was broken million times. I can not risk of being broken again.

  4. This is why I have drawn a "fine" line between my personal and professional life - no talk about our infertility. I give you lots of credit to endure her insistency...I would have definitely walked away. Big hugs to you.

    1. dear J,
      thank you for your comment.
      Usually I am better at drawing a line between personal and professional life.
      This coworker is otherwise really nice, with golden heart. It is just she is "mommy" type... so completely not suitable for me.
      I am still learning how to handle everything.
      Something I wish I had a job where I didn't have that much contact with people... it would make everything much easier.

  5. Thank you for stating what I believe should be obvious to all people...adoption/fostering children is NOT the same as having your own children.

    While I understand why such thorough home studies and psychological tests are done in order to adopt, we felt that all of that (in addition to the COST!) really invaded our privacy. A "fertile" woman/man does not have to have every day of her/his life and every corner of her/his house inspected in order to have her child OR take that child home. In fact, many are totally unsuitable parents, but because of nature, are able to continue breeding unquestioned. Since I am infertile, I should be perfectly okay with people I've never met disecting my life and judging every decision I've ever made???

    We choose to live in a small, two-bedroom home. That was a problem because of the "square-feet per person" requirement. We would only be able to adopt one child because they have to have their own room. I shared my room with much younger siblings, and it didn't hurt me or the sibling.

    I know I'm bitter. I work on not being bitter, but saying "why don't you *just* adopt?" whenever someone finds out that we are unable to have children makes me want to snap back, "Because we *just* don't want to." Honestly, we have hashed, rehashed, and rehashed all of our options. Infertility has stolen too much of my time as it is. Anyone who thinks an infertile couple has not looked at every option is *just* stupid.

    Thanks for letting me vent! I love your insight; have a wonderful Christmas! Jeanne

    1. dear Jeanne,
      I agree! I also wasn't prepared to allow complete strangers (social workers etc) to judge my decisions. And I wasn't prepared to go on a paper hunt (=for RUssia, you have to get aprox. 50 documents, from all kind of doctors, to bank confirmation etc).

      During IVF treatments I met a woman who had several unsucessful treatments. She was lucky - she got a phone call and they had a baby from our country for her to adopt (one of aprox. 5 children who are adopted in our country). She described her happiness after adopting...

      But guess what: when adopted baby was 6 months old, she went for another IVF treatment. It failed. Now she is taking a new IVF treatment.

      This woman is example of what I strongly believe - adopting a child does not erase the wish of having a biological child.

      Hugs! And wonderful Christmas to you too!