Monday, September 17, 2012

Black sheep

I found a wonderful support group online when going through infertility treatments. I am really grateful for those girls. I do not know how I would survive the darkest days of my infertility.

I just got an invitation for a dinner from one of those girls, inviting 5 of us. I don't want to go. The last time that I went, one year ago, was horrible. I just sat there and almost did not say a word. I guess you have guessed why.

I am the only non-mom there. Two of my friends adopted from Russia. Two of them gave birth. So, the only topic (and I literally mean the only one) threre are babies.

I think I have a beautiful life.  But for my IVF buddies I am the ultimate failure.

Today they exchanged tons of emails (I just received all of them, haven't responded yet). They were fixing the exact date of our (=their) dinner. And there were tons of comments - for example - "Oh, no, Saturday is not a good day, Daddy has to go....".

Oh my God. Can you imagine. And we all know what is her husband's name. No need to call him Daddy. At least not in emails that are sent to me as well.

Resolution: I am so not going. Prefer to stay at home and read a book.

Observation:  friends that got children after infertility are often the most insensitive ones.

I am really happy to have my Mattie... have to go now... we have an evening date (=quick walk, now she is free since the little ones are already sleeping).


  1. " Observation: friends that got children after infertility are often the most insensitive ones."

    Hmmm. I think you might be right. There's a conversation going on elsewhere in the blogosphere that might support that comment. I think there's the assumption that because they went through infertility, they know how we feel. But they don't.

    Have you thought of explaining to them (or one of them) WHY you don't go? I mean, if anyone should understand, it should be them. And maybe they would appreciate the wake-up call.

  2. I get you totally. I'd not go either.

  3. That's a tough one for sure and it makes me sad that these women don't seem to get it. I was at an "accessory" party this past Friday night with various ages of women, but the host is a woman I graduated HS with and she dealt with inferility herself for many years and ended up adopting last year. She is the most down to earth mother I have ever met and she knows how to not be all about her child in conversations. I had a really nice time and yes, some of the women mentioned their kids, but it wasn't all they talked about (which was so nice). I am going to attend a "stampin' up" (crafting party) she is having in about 2 weeks and I am hoping for the same outcome and an opportunity to get to know some of these other women better.

  4. dear girls,
    thank you for all your comments. I really appreciate them!

    I skipped one of the dinners already, in spring. I sent to all 4 of them an email saying that I am really happy that they found their happiness. And that I am still in search of mine - since finding a happiness in childfree life is still something new for me to discover. And that I really can not come, since the last time when we had dinner together, they were hurting me all the time. I wrote that I know it was not intentionally, but it hurt me still the same.

    One of them didn't even bothered to reply to my very person email.
    Two wrote something very short and patronizing. Didn't bother to phone me.
    The fourth girl is actually very nice... I am in contact with her every week...

    In old days, when all of us were in the middle of infertility treatments, we sometimes had even 3 meetings per month. It was lovely. I thought that we had so much in common. But actually we didn't have. We just happened to be in the same infertility situation.

    I am disappointed in them (at least in three of them) since they do not recognize that living a childfree is also a possibility.

    So, I really do not feel like going on a meeting and hearing again: "So, what are your plans now?". And this perticular question actually reallly means -"So, have you decided for an adoption YET?".

    Why is it so hard for some people to understand that adoption is not a solution for everybody? It is not for me. Neither for my DH.

    1. OUCH. OUCH. And triple OUCH.

      I'm GLAD to know the fourth one is really nice, though. :-)

      I can relate to your frustration about the adoption thingie, so BIG HUGS!!!! I guess they were mostly just friends for a season, eh?

  5. I am so glad that you made the decision to take care of yourself first! I, too would not go, even more so knowing that they all (but one) seem pretty self absorbed. I find it so amazing that as soon as they find success with IVF, adoption, etc.....they forget that they once walked in our shoes. I have come to expect stupid comments from women and men who get pregnant easily and naturally, but when the stupid comments come out of women and men that have gone through what we have gone through....well, there just isn't any excuse for that at all!!! Good for you for saying NO!

  6. So proud of you for laying out your true feelings and, as Kellie said, looking out for your needs. For the sake of the children born to the three women who couldn't be bothered to understand your state of mind, I hope their mothers grow some greater compassion and interest in learning more about people who are different than they are. It saddens me to think they might pass along their patronizing or marginalizing behavior.