Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Will to live

There are days that I think I am 100 % healed and I don't need my blog any more. At least not for writing anything regarding being childless after infertility.

But there is always something that hurts me when least expected. Like watching the commercials for new Bridget Jones' movie everywhere.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1473832/

It hurts so much - she is 43 (=my age) and pregnant! Not to mention that she doesn't know who the child's father is.  Obviously I am never going to watch this movie (I loved the first one though).

***
I had a business lunch with my bosses and coworkers in a pretty restaurant last week when I met my best friend from university. I haven't met her for ten years. She is a nice person, but I remember that after she had two babies in 2 years, that I wrote her an email saying that I am very happy for her, but that it is too difficult for me to be around, so I can't be around her for a while.

She remembered this email differently. She told me last week that it hurt her deeply when I wrote her that I never ever wanted to see her again. So she respected my wishes and never contacted me again.

I felt ashamed. It is quite probable that I did write this. I was so messed up then. It made me think whom all did I loose in those years and always blamed them, not me.

But you see, I sent the same / or similair email also to my best friend. She respected that I needed some time to be alone, but yet she never forgot me like all the others. She kept sending me emails like "Dear Klara, I know you can't be with me now, but I just wanted to let you know that I miss you terribly...." I will never forget her kindness in the darkest times of my infertility.

The most people that I lost, just took the easy way out. It is not fun to be around depressed friend. So it is just the easiest solution that they understood my request very literally and just forgot about me.

***

I was deeply touched when I read new blogger Lucia's post:
https://infertilephoenix.blogspot.si/2016/10/thankful-for-blogging-pioneers.html
and read her sentence: "Infertility isn't fatal, but these women may have saved my will to live." and my name on her list.

8 comments:

  1. Yeah, that stupid movie....you don't even want to know the words that came out of my mouth when I saw the commercial for the first time.

    As for your (former) friend, I admire you for sending her the email and telling her what you needed. How she responded to it is on her. If you sent the same email to a different friend and she understood, it obviously wasn't the email. I hope that you can begin to rebuild a friendship with her if that is what you both want.

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  2. I felt nauseated when I read the summary of Bridget Jones's movie. Then I watched the trailer wanting to find it funny and be over the infertility business, but I am not. And it's ok. Bridget Jones 2 was already pretty stupid.

    Your best friend seems pretty awesome, my experience is that people (with kids) are rather like your other friend and take everything personally even when it's not about them (like when you say that you can't be around them, it was about you not about them).

    It's a bit sad that after 10 years your other friend still remembers something negative about you, and I am sorry if that made you feel bad. Who cares what you exactly wrote in that one depressed e-mail 10 years ago? Nobody should!

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  3. Dear Klara, this is a movie that I certainly will not watch either.
    I am glad that your best friend stayed in touch with you through all the hard times! Friends like that are gold.
    I am sure that you and your blog have been a light in the darkness for many women.

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  4. There are days where I feel like I am 100% healed too. And then there are the days that remind me that I'm not.

    I'm glad I started blogging. Thank you for encouraging me. I am so grateful that I am able to communicate to you and other bloggers how much your writing helped me.

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  5. We tend to retreat into ourselves to try and cope as everyone else seems to move forward with their lives. As you mentioned, our brains at that time were muddled.
    Interesting to see the difference with the response from your two friends. One seems to have tried to understand the situation and kept the communication lines open for you… a rare find!

    Is there any chance of explaining the situation and establishing your friendship again with your uni friend?

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  6. thank you all for your comments. I guess I will probably meet with uni friend for a coffee one day, but true friendship? I am not really interested. Since I know I would be deserted again, if the hard times hit my life again (hopefully not), for some new reason .

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  7. I won't watch Bridget Jones either. Bulls*it movie.
    Klara I also cut off contact with a friend when I was in the middle of my infertility crisis. We were quite good friends but she got pregnant and suddenly became the full 'earth mother'. Around that time, I sent her a long email confiding in her that I had been told I would need IVF and that my chances of having children were very low. I got no reply, but she continued to post lots of things on Facebook about the 'buzz' she got from being pregnant and how ecstatic she felt. One day I had simply had enough and I defriended her on Facebook. Maybe it was wrong to do this with no explanation. Anyway, three years later, yeah, I felt a bit ashamed, so I contacted her to apologise and we met for a glass of wine. She was fairly understanding, but it was clear that no real empathy was there. She got quite angry about how "nobody understands how lonely and isolating pregnancy is" (!) and when I talked about how afraid I was of being left alone if my partner ever died, she was scornful and said 'It would be much harder to be left with two children!". She also made a few comments along the lines of "You wouldn't understand, you have never reared children". I couldn't wait to get home. There was a gulf between us, and I realise now it will never work. No true friendship there. So if you feel instinctively that there is no future there, you are probably right. Unfortunately when I was in the middle of my crisis I didn't realise that there isn't really any empathy outside of the CNBC community and I upset a couple of people, including my sister who never forgave me for something I said (in hindsight I think it was trivial and I was under huge stress, but she never let it go). Thank god people on here have similar experiences! Best wishes.

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  8. I was sure I had commented on this post, but maybe I tried on my iPad and it failed somehow. I'm sorry it has taken so long!

    I actually saw the Bridget Jones movie with a friend. I rolled my eyes at the basic premise, and I didn't like the ending much when I thought about it either, but it was okay. I think that's the difference between being 43 and 53! You'll get there, and in the meantime, you're not missing anything by not seeing the movie. It was quite predictable!

    As for your friend, I guess she was hurt and didn't manage to understand where you were coming from. It seems to me that neither of you are at fault. She couldn't put herself in your situation, and so was hurt - I suspect she didn't forget about you at all - and you certainly have nothing to be ashamed of by writing that letter, and protecting yourself when you needed it.

    Sending hugs.

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