Saturday, July 28, 2012

Lesley Brown

Mr and Mrs Brown with baby Louise


When I was having all my IVFs I thought frequently of Lesley Brown. How courageous she was (and how desperately wishing a child) that she was willing to take all the drugs and knowing, that no child before was born through that completely new technique.

I read some weeks ago: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-bristol-18524232
that she died, aged 64.  I was said for her. 64 is far too young to die!!!

I do not know why she died. But I am sure that all the infertility drugs did not help her to live longer.

Sometimes I worry about all the drugs that I took during my 10 treatments. I wish I had the courage to stop earlier!

***

I am in my pyjamas today, with high temperature :(
I had to go on one day business trip with a coworker of mine yesterday. And it was so hot outside and our aircondition in the car was too cold.... my body just doesn't deal well with aircondition. 

This coworker knows about all my IVFs and I already told her that we decided to live childfree. But she asked me again yesterday if we changed our mind. And I said no. I do not know why mothers of small children are not able to keep their mouth shut up sometimes. She had to comment further: "You never know, it might happen. I know a case where..." And then I had to stop her. I just asked to never ever tell me this sentence again. Since I am without  fallopian tubes, it is not possible. And that her sentence not only gives false hope, but also hurts me.

11 comments:

  1. I'm glad you were able to say something to your coworker. I do think most, though of course not all, parents are entirely clueless about infertility; what to say, what not to say. It's as though in this day and age, they still cannot fathom that some people cannot have children. And because it was so easy for them, they forget, or never listened (first or second time around), when we told them we were unable to have kids. They want to lecture about how entirely possible it is as though being infertile also makes you somewhat less intelligent to figure out what they know. I also hate it when they harp on and on and on about the joys of motherhood, even though they know you wanted kids, but ended up without them.

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    1. how nice it is to own a blog, where you can find soulmates! Thank you for your comment, Iris! So true!

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  2. PS: only one further comment on my coworker. She is otherwise one of the kindest & nicest people that I met through work. I really like her. It is just that I avoid spending too much time with me since she really does not get me. And that being an infertile, she can not discuss ALL topics that she discusses with ALL other fertile friends.

    For example. Yesterday she also explained all details about her marital sex life (or better to say: the lack of it). And the main reason is that she is always so tired since the kids take all the energy. And the most important reason is that she is really afraid of unwanted pregnancy (the pills do not work for her).

    Rethorical question: do I want to listen for 10 minutes how hard it is to be afraid of unwanted pregnancy all the time???

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    1. I know. I've had some really utterly insensitive comments launched at me, or while I'm just around, by people I really like and who are close friends. They really, truly do not get it. Recently, a friend who has been wanting to have a second child for several years now, had to have surgery and lost one of her ovaries. My sister in law, who knows DH and I can't have kids, asked if she (my friend wanted more kids). My friend is now 41. I said yes, and she (my sister in law) said, well, she better hurry, it's dangerous after a certain age. (My sister-in-law married young, had her kids in her early to mid-20s.) I said, I'm sure she's aware and I know she has been trying for some time. Again, there is this cluelessness that getting pregnant for everyone is a given. I too hate the conversations around people who get pregnant "by accident"... the 43 year old woman who accidentally got pregnant while on a somewhat casual relationship (I mean, I'm happy for them, but come on)... the 42 year old woman who got pregnant while on the pill. All the friends who got pregnant on the first try... I once told a friend that we did not use contraceptives, and she said, "Aren't you afraid of getting pregnant."... Now if I was "afraid" wouldn't I be smart enough to use them. These kinds of conversations do really just underscore the unfairness of this aspect of our lives.

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    2. I have a favourite response when someone complains about something like that to me (like not getting enough sleep because of the new baby). I stop and look at them. And then say calmly and quietly, "do you really think that I am the person you should be complaining about this to?"

      Works every time!

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    3. dear Mali,
      great question! I will remember & use it one day!

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  3. I tend to stay away from all medication, taking the occasional antibiotic when necessary. I suppose I never would have done well with IVF drugs. I do often wonder what things do to your system. They might be fine for one person - but not the next. For example, I tried going on antidepressents somewhere in our adoption journey because I wasn't dealing with everything well - only to find that they were giving me a tight throat making breathing strained...that of which was not on the side-effect list.

    Anyhow, I hate it when people say to me "...you never know, it might just happen". Yeah, and pigs might fly out of your butt. Do I ever day to someone getting a divorce - maybe you should just stick it out some more and things might change? Do I say to someone with a terminal illness - maybe saying goodbye will be easy? Do I say to someone with a disobedient child - maybe you should get your act in gear?

    I think infertility has taught us all to be mindful of our words to others - for you are not in their shoes.

    PS. The extreme hot to cold A/C at work has been bothering me a lot lately too.

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  4. I just want to congratulate you - yay, Klara! For stopping your friend, educating her about she shouldn't say. Who knows, you might just have helped her think before saying this to someone else?

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  5. Way to go, Klara- There are some mothers who have GOOD intentions, but sometimes I wonder if going through pregnancy had decreased their amount of common sense. (No offense to mothers reading)"I know a friend who had a friend..." or "my cousin's friend.." I tend to interrupt..DO YOU KNOW her PERSONALLY, one-to-one, not second or third-hand? And I like how you stopped your co-worker in a good way, setting up a healthy boundary on what to talk about, what not. Lately, most co-workers here have an awareness that I'm not one to talk to, when it comes to pregnancy and babies (thank gods!)
    I agree with KT- on "I think infertility has taught us all to be mindful of our words to another"-
    Take care of yourself, Klara. :)

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  6. Good job for stopping your co-worker. I am sure she means well, but when they haven't been through what we have been through, they just don't get it and never, never will. No matter how much we try to get then to get it. I am fortunate that I work with all men....yes, they talk about their kids a bit here and there, but not too bad; and they never ask questions about me and when and if we are having kids...frankly, they don't really care - which is just the way I want it!!!
    ***
    I too sometimes worry about all the drugs that were pumped into my body during my IVF's....unfortunately, I am in full on menopause (i am 44) and my doctor wants to put me on HRT, part of me wants too as the hot flashes are unbearable, but the drug she want to put me on is the same as the drug I took for the IVF's....just don't want to put anything else back into my system.

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    1. dear Kellie,
      my menoupause is still a bit a way (not far away)... but I am determined not to take any drugs when I get there. It brings so many sad & hard memories back.. and memories of all bad side affects. So - I support your decision to try to remain drugfree!

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